DEAR ABBY: After my father died unexpectedly, I didn't know what to do when my parents' next wedding anniversary came along. I was young -- under 30 -- and was not aware of the proper procedure. Should I buy my mother a gift, as I had always done for them in the past? Would it be better not to even mention the date to my mother? As I recall, I invited my mother for dinner, no gift, and only a mention of what day it was when we finished dinner. Now I feel I did the right thing. She knew I remembered, and she was not alone for dinner.

My husband died unexpectedly last summer. Today would have been our 54th wedding anniversary. In the past we had exchanged cards with certain friends and relatives on such an occasion. Yesterday I received a lovely letter from our best man's widow, recalling pleasant times we shared in the past. That is the only indication from anyone that the anniversary of our special day was today. I appreciated the letter I received so much, but I am sad that no other close friend or relative remembered.

I would suggest that when close friends or relatives are in a similar situation, sending a "thinking of you" card would be much appreciated. I feel so alone and forgotten -- and ashamed that I have been guilty of the same neglect of others in the past. I didn't realize how much it would mean to know that others remembered, too. No name or city, please. Just sign me ... SAD WIDOW IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SAD WIDOW: Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved husband. There is much to be learned from your letter about the value of reaching out to others.

DEAR ABBY: One of my family members was recently married. She kept her last name and added her husband's name to it, so that she is now Mary Smith-Jones. Her husband is, of course, Harry Jones.

This past Christmas, my parents bought them a gift and addressed the card to "The Jones Family." My relative threw a fit, complaining that she was not included on the card. My mother countered that had she addressed the card to the "Smith-Jones Family," the husband would not have been included.

The way I see it, my mother is right. If the gift were only to my relative, it would be addressed to Mary Smith-Jones, but if it's to both, it should be "The Jones Family."

What is the proper way to address the whole family? Do we have to write out Mr. Jones and Mrs. Smith-Jones? To me, that's just a waste of time when we could simply write "The Jones Family."

Please settle this controversy and tell us how it's done. -- FEUDING FAMILY

DEAR FEUDING FAMILY: According to the etiquette books, you will have to make the extra effort if you wish to properly address the entire family. As it says in "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette, Entirely Rewritten and Updated," by Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan: "When addressing an envelope to a couple when the wife has kept her maiden name (or hyphenated it with her husband's), write 'Ms. Mary Smith-Jones and Mr. Harry Jones' on the same line. If a couple's combined names are too long to fit on one line, address the envelope on two lines with the woman's name on the first, and the man's on the second, preceded by 'and.' The 'and,' when slightly indented and written out, indicates that the two are married."

CONFIDENTIAL TO "LOVES PEOPLE" IN LOUISVILLE: Mae West once said, "I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign." You're in good company!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 18 years old and recently went from 180 pounds to 130. I've dropped six pants sizes, plus two more sizes in shirts. You can definitely see the difference.

Ever since I was a little girl, my parents have bugged me to lose weight, even though I was healthy and well-built. I played sports and ran track, so a lot of my weight was muscle, but my parents always wanted me to look like a tiny gymnast in miniskirts, so they bribed me to lose weight. By the time I was in the eighth grade, I was so depressed about my weight that I considered suicide.

About 6 1/2 years ago, I began sticking my fingers down my throat every time I ate. Now I throw up after I eat whether I stick my finger down my throat or not. I know it's not healthy. I know I am bulimic, and it is not a joke.

I want to have a husband and children someday, but I know that won't happen unless I get well. You can bet that if I'm lucky enough to have children, I'll love them no matter what size they are.

Please tell me where I can get help, Abby. And please tell parents to stop criticizing their overweight children. Help them lose weight, yes, but constant nagging and poking fun only lead to desperate measures on the part of the child. -- READY TO MOVE ON IN HOBBS, N.M.

DEAR READY TO MOVE ON: It is a sad commentary that someone as young as you had to resort to such drastic and life-threatening measures.

Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized in part by a preoccupation with food, binge eating (usually in secret) and purging after eating. The disorder is generally accompanied by depression, shame and guilt, mood swings, low self-esteem and withdrawal from normal social activities. Physically, bulimics can suffer from malnutrition, dehydration, tears in the esophagus, and serious heart, kidney and liver damage. If left untreated, it can even be fatal.

It is important to recognize that food is not at the heart of any eating disorder. Parents, if you feel that you or your child may have an eating disorder, either bulimia nervosa or anorexia nervosa, do not blame or try to make your child feel guilty. Express your love and support and try to be understanding. Realize that your child is terrified of something, and seek professional help immediately.

For information on eating disorders and a referral to a doctor, therapist and support group in your area, contact the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders by writing to: ANAD, Box 7, Highland Park, Ill. 60035. Enclose a long (business-size), self-addressed, stamped (55 cents) envelope. ANAD's hotline, answered by understanding counselors, is (847) 831-3438.

DEAR ABBY: I am a clerk in a store. Recently I asked a young female customer a question. She replied, "Yes, ma'am."

"Ma'am" and "Sir" may seem old-fashioned and out of style, and to some people they smack of servitude, but it fell sweetly on my ears. It was a welcome display of manners, since only minutes before I had heard another young female shopper tell her child, "Get your a-- over here!" -- MILWAUKEE MANNERS MOURNER

DEAR MOURNER: While formal etiquette is not as prevalent as it once was, the majority of people still practice casual good manners.

However, the parent who speaks crudely to her child, regardless of how annoyed she may be, is in for a rude awakening, because in a few years her child will be responding to her in the same manner.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a serious problem with my best friend. "Jennifer" and I used to tell each other everything, and I thought our friendship would be forever. But recently I have not been able to understand her at all.

Jennifer has started using drugs. I knew she was smoking pot, but she had promised me she wouldn't do anything heavier. Now I know she was lying to me. I've tried to get her to quit, but it's getting worse every day. We argue a lot and sometimes she swears at me. (She never did that before she was on drugs.)

We are students, and I can't study because I'm so worried about her.

Two weeks ago I decided I couldn't stand it any more and made a decision to stay away from her. I still would like to be Jennifer's friend because I remember what a sweet girl she used to be. But now I don't know if I even like her. Even though I feel freedom after separating from her, I worry that maybe I'm making her life worse by not being there for her when she needs me.

Abby, should I still be a friend of hers or not? -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONFUSED: Your friend is in serious trouble, and if you continue to keep her drug use a secret, you will be letting her down. She needs help. And the way to see that she gets it is to tell your parents, or a trusted teacher or school counselor what's going on. This is not the same thing as tattling -- you would be helping to save her life.

I recently printed a letter from the mother of a young man who had overdosed on drugs. That letter, and the accompanying piece, "King Heroin," produced an outpouring of mail from addicts and alcoholics, as well as from their families and friends.

A strong message of hope came from those who had found recovery in a 12-step program. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: I'm almost 50 years old and I had only heard of miracles, but had never experienced one. My daughter suffered from drug addiction for almost six years. During those six years, our lives were a living hell. I ranted, raved, threatened and bribed repeatedly, all to no avail.

After hitting rock bottom physically, spiritually and emotionally, she stumbled into a meeting of a 12-step program. She took one step and one day at a time. Through her belief in the program and the guidance of her sponsor, she restored her life to sanity.

She knows there is no cure for her addiction, but there is recovery. This month, she will celebrate her second year as a recovering addict. That is a miracle!

For those who suffer from addiction or have friends or family who are addicted, there is hope. If you attend a meeting of a 12-step program, you too can experience a miracle. -- MOTHER OF A MIRACLE

DEAR MOTHER (AND ALL WHO WROTE WITH A SIMILAR STORY): Your message of hope is worth repeating. Twelve-step programs have worked when all else has failed. The most well-known programs are: Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Al-Anon Family Groups (for friends and family members), and Alateen (for young friends and family members). Check your local phone directory or newspaper for meeting locations, or write to: Alcoholics Anonymous, General Service Office, 475 Riverside Drive, 11th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10115; Al-Anon and Alateen, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, Va. 23454-5617; Narcotics Anonymous, World Service Office, 19737 Nordhoff Place, Chatsworth, Calif. 91311.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)