DEAR ABBY: I was appalled when I saw in your column that you had trotted out an outdated, sexist, factually inaccurate and socially dangerous quote: "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."

Surely you are aware of the research which now establishes that fathers have unique and important contributions to make to the healthy development of their children. Fathers (not race, not income and not mothers) are the key ingredient in reducing youth violence (crime and gangs), drug abuse, promiscuity, eating disorders and suicides. Fathers have a greater effect than mothers in producing empathy, a sense of humor, academic achievement and more.

My son's mother has assaulted me, harassed me, stalked me, vandalized my property, stolen from me, made false allegations against me and more. I don't love her. But I do something far more important. During most of my son's waking moments since he was 8 months old, the hands he has seen holding him and helping him, the voice he has heard teaching him and loving him, the face he has seen smiling at him and encouraging him have been mine!

My son's mother is not insane and not that rare. She has simply been encouraged by the media to blame a man for everything that makes her unhappy and to think of fathers as second-class parents. You can sign me ... FIRST-CLASS PARENT

DEAR PARENT: Considering the fact that your ex-wife suffers from the emotional instability (not insanity) which you have described, you son is indeed fortunate to have such a committed father. However, there are far more absent fathers in single-parent families than mothers.

DEAR ABBY: Hugo Borreson wrote: "Martin Luther King had to go to India to learn the principles of non-violence because they were neither understood nor practiced in the United States."

Abby, Dr. King did not have to go to India to learn the principles of non-violence!

In his book "Stride Toward Freedom" (New York, Harper and Brothers, 1958), he wrote: "... One Sunday afternoon, I traveled to Philadelphia to hear a sermon by Dr. Mordecai Johnson, president of Howard University. He was there to preach for the Fellowship House of Philadelphia.

"Dr. Johnson had just returned from a trip to India, and, to my great interest, he spoke of the life and teachings of Mahatma Gandhi.

"His message was so profound and electrifying that I left the meeting and bought a half-dozen books on Gandhi's life and works ..."

I just wanted to set the record straight, Abby. -- ARTHUR H. PRINCE, PH.D., MEMPHIS

DEAR DR. PRINCE: I am (as always) profoundly grateful for your consistently accurate corrections and additions to my column since its inception. However, I, too, want to keep the record straight. According to "A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Teachings of Martin Luther King Jr." (edited by James M. Washington), Dr. King and his wife did travel to India in 1960 or 1961, and he made reference to the trip in a speech within months of his return.

DEAR ABBY: I have a very dear, older friend who has one bad habit. No matter what the situation, she always asks me the price of everything I buy. She demands to know the cost of any improvements I make to my home.

It seems she puts a price tag on everything.

A member of her family is quite wealthy, and she never hesitates to tell everyone what they spend on everything. I don't have a lot of money and what I do with it, I think, is my personal business. I have tried the old retort, "Why would you be interested?" but it doesn't seem to work. I don't want to be rude, but can you give me a good comeback that might squelch this nasty habit? -- MIFFED IN MECHANICSVILLE, VA.

DEAR MIFFED: What's wrong with this direct response: "That's a very personal question that I prefer not to answer." Smile when you say it, and if you repeat it often enough, let's hope she'll get the message and quit asking.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was so upset by the letter from the mother who will miss out if she skips her daughter's wedding that I'm writing to you for the first time ever.

Many years ago I was in a similar situation, so opposed to my daughter's forthcoming marriage that I canceled the ceremony AFTER the invitations had been mailed. Shortly after, they told me they were going to get married with or without my support.

I remained adamantly opposed until my dear wife asked me if I wanted to lose my daughter. When I exclaimed, "Of course not!" she said, "Well, you will if you keep on like this." Thank God I took my sweetheart's advice and escorted my daughter down the aisle at her wedding. My daughter and I have always remained very close.

To that mother who is judging her daughter by the moral standards that she grew up with 30 to 40 years ago, "Judge not lest ye yourself be judged," and "Let him who is without sin among you cast the first stone." Mother: You don't have to approve of your daughter's conduct, but don't lose her through rejection. -- TOM WATTLE, ARCATA, CALIF.

DEAR MR. WATTLE: Thank you for your heartfelt letter. I have received a blizzard of letters from readers arguing both sides of the question. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: What century is this woman living in? She should realize that her daughter is apparently old enough to make a decision to live with a man prior to jumping into a marriage that may not work out. I lived with my husband for 4 1/2 years before our wedding day. We have been married for 13 1/2 years and look forward to many more.

I'd also like to tell this woman who was concerned about the "strict" Catholic Church not addressing this subject my feelings: We were married in a Catholic church in my hometown but had to attend pre-Cana classes with a priest in the area where we live. This man had the gall to tell us that our marriage wouldn't last two years. This just goes to show that priests (and the Catholic Church) don't know everything.

If this woman continues with her negative attitude, she will alienate her daughter and future son-in-law. She should swallow her pride, trust her daughter to make the right decisions, and enjoy what should be a happy time for all.

Keep up the good work, Abby. Your column makes my day! -- MARYANNE WALTON, DOVER, DEL.

DEAR ABBY: "Disapproving Mother" said that her daughter's behavior reflected a lack of morals in young people and her daughter doesn't respect or care what she thinks. I disagree!

The daughter and her fiance obviously care very much what her parents think if the fiance went so far as to ask the parents for the daughter's hand in marriage.

I say the daughter would be better off without a whining and controlling mother passing judgment on her, especially on her wedding day. The only thing that really matters is that the bride and groom are very much in love. If the mother is too wrapped up in her moral code of behavior to care if her daughter is happy, then she has forfeited her rights as a mother. -- UNDER 40 IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: For the "Disapproving Mother" who is Catholic: Christ said, "Go and sin no more" to the whore who was caught in the act.

The Lord's Prayer says, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those that sin against us."

Christ told Peter to forgive 70 times 7.

This "Disapproving Mother" must take her hurt and worry to the cross and leave them there. That is what her strict Catholic Church would tell her to do. -- ROCHELLE VANDENBURG

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DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your harsh condemnation of "Disapproving Mother," who refused to celebrate her daughter's engagement because the daughter is living with her fiance.

I realize that it is difficult to address all considerations in the space of your column, but I wonder if you feel, as it appears, that the mother owes the daughter an elaborate wedding? If this girl is able to live on her own with her fiance, why should the mother be expected to pay for a wedding? The young couple is clearly able to attend to their needs, so why is it they can't take care of their own wedding?

I don't condemn this couple. If I knew them I would be happy to wish them well. However, I also wish the mother well, as she has been willing to stand up for her values in a world where there are few people willing to do so. -- THERESE D. BARRY, BEECH MOUNTAIN, N.C.

DEAR THERESE: Nowhere in her letter did the mother indicate that she had been asked to pay for the wedding or shower, nor did I tell her to do so. Paying the expenses of a wedding should be considered a gift, and not an obligation by the bride's parents.

I told the woman that her angry, punitive stance would isolate her from her daughter, her future son-in-law and grandchildren -- and she had everything to lose and nothing to gain.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Disapproving Mother" was that she should apologize to her daughter and her fiance. Baloney! The daughter, knowing how her parents would feel about her setup, should not expect them to pay for anything. The mother does not have to approve of their lifestyle. They have lived together for two years and plan to shack up for another year while calling this an engagement.

As for future grandchildren, I don't think "Disapproving Mother" has anything to worry about. They'll be dropping off their offspring for grandmother to baby-sit free of charge. "Disapproving Mother" should attend the wedding if invited, like any other guest. -- ARLENE JOHNSON, AVON LAKE, OHIO

DEAR ARLENE: I agree, the mother does not have to approve of their lifestyle. However, by refusing to give the young man permission to marry their daughter, they have reduced their chances of being asked to the wedding, and should the young man carry a grudge, they could well be cut off from any grandchildren.

DEAR ABBY: Maybe this daughter's plans will turn out well. But I would never call her mother insensitive or rigid, either. The daughter has shown her lack of respect for all the parents hold dear, so why should she want or need their help with her long overdue wedding? She has already set up housekeeping, so why have a shower? Since she and her friend have already consummated a marriage, who needs a fancy wedding? The money might be more helpful later.

The votes won't be in until the daughter's own children are old enough to do likewise. As the old-timers say, "What goes around comes around."

I suggest that what is now "modern practice" is not necessarily a right one. I cannot come down on this mother for what might prove to be the greater wisdom, in God's sight. -- VIVIAN B. BROWNING, DAMASCUS, MD.

DEAR VIVIAN AND READERS: Thank you for letting me know your strong feelings on this matter. Tomorrow, we'll hear from some of those who supported my thinking.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)