DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter in your column from the woman who wrote to say that after 13 years of abuse, she had finally decided she was going to leave her husband, I had to write. The woman's decision prompted her to pen a poem she titled "Love Isn't ..." After reading it, I was compelled to write my own "poem." I call it, "Stupid Is ..."

STUPID IS ...

-- Staying married to a man who is physically and verbally abusive for 13 YEARS! For heaven's sake, GET A CLUE!

-- Having a child with an abusive mate. It's hard to believe there were no incidents of this nature prior to having a baby.

-- Raising a child in this hostile environment. Statistics show that most abusers were either abused themselves or witnessed abuse during their own childhood. So, congratulations! You are now raising tomorrow's crop of tormentors.

-- Any woman who doesn't get the best possible education she can before she gets married or has children. A good education is your ticket to freedom! I've rarely heard a well-educated woman say, "I had to stay with this abusive man because I don't have anywhere to go."

-- Any woman who would PLAN to have a baby with someone who hasn't proven himself to be as committed to raising the child as she is. Choosing to bring a child into the world simply because you "want a baby" is the height of selfishness. Forget what you want. Think of what is best for the child.

-- Anyone who would have a baby they cannot afford to care for. To people who complain that it's impossible to raise a "family" on a minimum wage, I say, "If you are making only minimum wage, why are you starting a family?" Work your way up the ladder. Go back to school nights and weekends. Many of us have done just that, and THAT is how we have gotten ahead. Besides, job experience gives you something to fall back on if "Mr. Wonderful" turns out be less than you'd hoped for. You'll know you are capable of taking care of yourself.

Abby, I'm sure I'll be criticized for my opinion, but I am ... SICK AND TIRED OF VOLUNTARY VICTIMS IN OREGON

DEAR SICK AND TIRED: You may be criticized for stating your opinion, and I may be criticized for printing it. You didn't sugar-coat the message, but perhaps it needs to be said. However, it may interest you that not everyone saw "Goodbye Wife's" poem in the same light as you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter from "The Goodbye Wife in Calif." in which she outlined what "Love Isn't."

Abby, that letter hit home. I am married and the father of four. My wife and children have put up with that kind of behavior far too long.

Your advice was that we all have choices. Well, this husband and father just made one, before I, too, receive a letter like that.

I carry a copy of the column in my wallet, next to the picture of my family. At least once each day, I make it a point to look at both. Abby, I'd much rather have my family than get a goodbye letter.

Thanks to you and "Goodbye Wife" for opening my eyes. -- CHANGING IN CINCINNATI

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DEAR ABBY: I am a mortgage broker, and it is my job to review people's credit history. I am disturbed by the number of people who are mired in credit card debt. I just talked to a couple with four children who had more than $100,000 in credit card debt with an annual salary of $75,000.

This is an extreme case. However, it is not uncommon for people to be caught up in the vicious cycle of paying for things on credit and being able to afford only the minimum monthly payments of these cards. I feel the credit card companies are to blame for all their gimmicks of "preapproved" junk mail, and the consumer is to blame for not being able to throw this mail away instead of signing up. Credit cards encourage people to live beyond their means, creating financial stress in families.

If people are in that situation, I encourage them to call the credit card company to close their account and cut up their cards, except one with a low interest rate or one that is due monthly. If there isn't enough cash to pay for it -- don't buy it!

Use the card for emergencies only. Even though they may have to do without the new outfit or the larger television set, consumers will be happier without the stress that credit card debt can cause. Are there support groups available for "credit junkies"? -- FREE AND CLEAR IN FLORIDA

DEAR FREE AND CLEAR: I don't know about support groups for credit junkies, but consumer credit counseling services are available in most major metropolitan areas. To locate one, look in the Yellow Pages.

According to the Administrative Office of the U.S. Courts, in 1996 a record 1.1 million individuals filed bankruptcy -- up 27 percent from the previous year.

Your "credit card cut-up" is a step in the right direction, but major creditors also want to toughen the nation's bankruptcy code to make it more difficult to simply erase debts without further payment.

DEAR ABBY: "Loving Daughter in Lakeland, Fla." wrote that her father had a college ring he never removed, but at his death she took the ring off to keep in his memory. She asked, "Did we do the right thing?" Your reply, "Yes, without a doubt."

You were wrong. My late wife never wanted her wedding ring removed. When she underwent serious surgery, she said, "Don't let them take the ring off." As death neared, she was concerned that the funeral directors might do so.

When the time came to close the coffin, I leaned down for one last kiss, placed my hand over her cold one, touched the ring and said, "You got your wish. That ring never left your finger since I put it on, years ago."

The body disintegrates after death, but gold is eternal. As long as our civilization survives, in that grave will be a circle of gold, memorializing a love that once existed.

"Loving Daughter's" father must have had a similar bond to his college. The ring should have remained with him throughout eternity. -- ALONE WITH MEMORIES

DEAR ALONE: Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved wife. You were honoring your wife's wishes by seeing that she was buried with her ring. "Loving Daughter," however, had never heard her father express such a sentiment. For her to have buried the ring, rather than keeping it to cherish, would have benefited no one.

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DEAR READERS: When I recently asked to hear from people who kept the ashes of their loved ones, I had no inkling of the blizzard of letters that would hit my desk. It seems I was right when I said the practice was not all that unusual. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: My husband was a wonderful man. When he died, I was too old to drive to the cemetery, and I knew I couldn't care for his grave, so I had him cremated and kept the ashes. However, I do not keep them displayed. They are kept in my bedroom, and every time I dust, I tell him how much I miss him. I am alone now, but happy at 77 years old. -- MARIA IN RENO, NEV.

DEAR ABBY: My mother died this past June. My father, brother and I had her cremated. Her ashes are in a nice wooden box with a gold plaque stating her date of birth, etc. My grandmother (Mom's mother) was upset because she wanted Mom to be buried in New Jersey with the family. My father suggested that my mother's ashes be buried with my grandmother when her time comes. She loved the idea. For now, though, Mom is on the mantel, and no, we don't think it's strange at all. -- SUSAN IN PRINCE GEORGE, VA.

DEAR ABBY: My son died in 1993. He wanted to be cremated. I have his ashes in a nice urn in a private corner of my house. When the time comes, my husband will have this urn placed in my coffin with me. It will be done at the last closing, so the public will not see. -- ASHES IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: I displayed the ashes of my late husband in a beautiful Chinese urn on the coffee table. Only a select few knew the contents of the urn, among them a man I had begun to seriously date. Rather than being bothered by it, he said he loved anyone who had loved me. And in keeping with that generosity of spirit, when he asked me to marry him, he toasted me by first clinking my wine glass, and then leaning forward to clink the urn. When it comes to love, I am twice blessed. -- J.R. IN BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I have had my lovely wife's ashes in my home for two years and 10 months. I'm proud to have them with me. I talk to her ashes and say good morning and good night to them each day. I also kiss her picture when I get up and when I go to bed. I see nothing wrong with this. I miss her so much, and sometimes this helps. We were married 47 years. Anyone who tells me to get rid of the ashes can take a hike! -- ASHES IN BATH, PA.

DEAR ABBY: We are a military family and don't plan to stay in this area. Four months ago, our 2 1/2-year-old son died after a 19-month battle with kidney tumors. The idea of burying him and later leaving him here was unthinkable, so we chose to have him cremated. Because we wanted to make his urn personal, but didn't have much money, we used a bronze box urn and placed it inside a large Winnie-the-Pooh, Joshua's favorite cartoon character, that now sits on Joshua's bed.

Keeping our son's ashes in the house doesn't mean we can't love our other children (No. 2 is due in four months). Likewise, the widow probably still loves her late husband, but that doesn't mean she can't also love the man who wrote to you. He should respect the relationship she once had and not be so threatened. -- ERIN IN TUSTIN, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband balks at doing his household chores, I threaten to put his ashes in an hourglass and keep him working for eternity. I might very well do it, too! -- ELSE MILLER, WILMINGTON, DEL.

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