DEAR ABBY: I am hoping you can help me with this delicate problem. Last year, our youngest son died. He was born with chromosome abnormalities, much like Down syndrome, though much rarer. We also have another son, who is 7.

Our dilemma: How do we respond when asked, "How many children do you have?" I always find this difficult to answer because I feel a necessity to include our youngest as our child, even though he has passed away. Some years ago, you responded to another reader who asked the very same question. Could you possibly print it again, as I feel it would be helpful not only to us, but also to others in the same situation. -- CATHY IN NORTH VANCOUVER, B.C.

DEAR CATHY: Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your precious son. When I was asked this question in April 1995, I responded that neglecting to mention a child (or children) lost in death would in no way diminish their importance, but unless the parents were prepared to answer the inevitable follow-up questions about the tragic loss, they should count only the living children when asked how many children they have.

I suspect that the letter to which you refer was one I printed six weeks later as a follow-up. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I had to write immediately when I read your answer to "Mourning in Fresno," whose 25-year-old son had died. She wondered what to say when people asked her how many children she had, and you suggested she count only the living one.

If "Mourning" had lost her only child, would your answer have been the same?

For her to say, "I have no children" would not only deny her son's life, it would also deny what she had been for half of her life -- a mother to that child.

A bereaved parent would feel guilty and disloyal failing to count the child who has died. "Mourning" would probably feel better if she replied, "I raised two sons." Then she could add a few remarks about her living son, steering the conversation in that direction. Eventually, she will feel more comfortable talking about the son who has died.

In the two years since our daughter's death, the wonderful people at the Compassionate Friends have helped us to face this question and many others.

I hope "Mourning" can find a chapter of this support group in her area. -- SANDEE MCALPINE, CINCINNATI

DEAR SANDEE MCALPINE: Please accept my condolences on the loss of your daughter. I received many letters from parents who share your views. Thank you for mentioning Compassionate Friends. They provide an invaluable service, and can be contacted by writing to P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, Ill. 60522-3696.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A student assigned to comment on "books that have helped me the most," replied, "My mother's cookbook and my father's checkbook."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, my father buried his sister as she instructed in her will. Her son (my cousin) now complains to my father that there is no marker on his mother's grave.

As long as I can remember, my father's relatives have expected him to be the "godfather" to all of them. He buried his parents with no financial help from his eight brothers and sisters. He also paid for a lovely headstone for his grandparents' graves. His siblings complained that it wasn't fancy enough.

My father has paid for new cars, home repairs, etc., for this brother or that sister, but the only time they call him is to ask for more money. Most of them earn more than he does, but they blow their money on gambling or drinking.

My mother finally divorced Dad because his generosity has enabled his dysfunctional family to continue their wasteful ways. Father is in complete denial, but believe me, Mom was right. Dad made his wife and children do without, while never questioning his siblings' constant requests for money.

I say, if my drug-addicted cousin wants the Taj Mahal on his mother's grave, he should arrange for it and pay for it himself.

Despite my father's generosity to those who don't appreciate it, I still love him. I'm just fed up with relatives who have no conscience about spending the nest egg that was meant to take care of him in his retirement. Sign me ... TIRED OF BEING THE GODFATHER'S DAUGHTER

DEAR TIRED: Until your father finds the courage to say no to these moochers, they'll continue to regard him as a soft touch. I maintain: If someone takes advantage of you once, shame on him. If he takes advantage of you twice, shame on you.

I sympathize with your feelings, but it's your father's money and how he spends it is his decision. You can bet that he gets much gratification out of being the provider and the symbolic head of the family.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Sally" just called and told me that she had been visiting at her brother's house. While she was there, her sister-in-law showed her a "cute little trick" she had taught Sally's 2-year-old nephew. Abby, this sister-in-law is not exactly the family favorite. She handed him a lit cigarette, and he sucked in and blew out smoke! When Sally told her how disgusting that was, the boy's 4-year-old sister piped up, demanding her turn -- which she was given.

I told Sally to call child protective services, that this is child abuse. She refused because she's afraid that it will cause a family rift.

Abby, what can be done to help those kids? -- DISGUSTED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR DISGUSTED: If, after all the recent media attention focused on the addictive nature of tobacco, Sally's sister-in-law has not realized that encouraging her children to smoke is dangerous to their health, something must be wrong with her.

The family should be told about this woman's stupid and irresponsible behavior in the hope that family pressure will force her to stop. It is possible that what Sally observed was a one-time lapse in judgment. However, if it persists, I agree, child protective services should be notified.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend (I'll call her Jennifer) is getting married soon, and she is busy making her plans.

Jennifer's stepmother told her that the maid of honor and the bridesmaids must be unmarried virgins. Is this true?

This news has disturbed Jennifer because all the friends she has chosen to be in the wedding party are married. -- BRIDE'S BEST FRIEND, NEW JERSEY

DEAR BEST FRIEND: Jennifer's stepmother was either joking or she is misinformed. The bride chooses her best friends or closest relatives to be in her wedding party without regard to whether they are virgins or not. Marital and sexual status have nothing whatsoever to do with the honor of attending the bride.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My problem is that I have a terrible stutter. I am 38 years old and my co-workers make fun of me. I try not to show how much it hurts, and go along with whatever they are saying.

Is there anyone or anything that can help me? I recently heard about some kind of surgery that can help people who stutter. Do you know anything about it? Please help me. -- AFRAID TO SPEAK IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR AFRAID TO SPEAK: I am unaware of a surgical procedure that can help people who stutter. But your letter arrived not long after another from a reader who shares your problem, and what she had to say should be of interest to you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am almost 18 years old and have been afflicted with stuttering most of my life. It hurts when I see people's ignorance of stuttering reflected through discomfort or ridicule.

Those who are unfamiliar with stuttering often think it consists only of initial sound repetitions like "C-C-C-Can you help me?" However, stuttering also consists of "blocks" such as getting stuck and becoming unable to utter a particular sound. This block can last varying amounts of time.

A common misconception is that stuttering is associated with fear and anxiety. It's true that these factors can increase stuttering, but it's uncertain what actually causes it.

Believe it or not, many notable personalities have stuttered, including Marilyn Monroe, James Earl Jones, Bo Jackson, and even the great Winston Churchill.

In 1993, I discovered a group called the National Stuttering Project. It is one of the greatest things that have happened to me as a person who stutters. The group publishes monthly newsletters, has 79 local support groups in the United States, and holds a large convention every summer.

If some of your readers stutter or know someone who does, or are simply interested in learning more about stuttering, they should write to the National Stuttering Project, 5100 E. La Palma Ave., Suite 208, Anaheim Hills, Calif. 92807. -- MARGARET HANSEN, SNOHOMISH, WASH.

DEAR MARGARET: Thank you for a helpful letter, and one which I am sure will be of interest to those who are trying to cope with that problem. The National Stuttering Project was founded in 1977 to let people who stutter know they are not alone. Its goal is to bring dignity, education and empowerment to children and adults who stutter, as well as assist their families and the speech-language pathologists who work with them.

An estimated 4 percent of all children stutter. Seventy-five percent of them will outgrow it. If children receive appropriate therapy at an early age, four out of five will not become chronic stutterers. Most adults can learn to manage their disorder with the help of a speech-language pathologist who specializes in stuttering. However, there is no universal treatment or cure.

I recently spoke with Annie Bradberry, director of development at the National Stuttering Project. She was on her way to speak to a group of schoolchildren who had been teasing a young classmate who stutters. Her mission was to help the students understand that children who stutter are no different from those who do not stutter except for their speech patterns. What a wonderful example of hands-on advocacy!

Readers, May 12-18 is National Stuttering Awareness Week. The toll-free number for the National Stuttering Project is 1-800-364-1677. The e-mail address is nspmail@aol.com.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)