DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, "Donna," our youngest daughter, married "Bill." We were not happy with her choice, but she was 23 and it was her decision, so we gave her a beautiful wedding and kept quiet.

While they were dating, Bill broke dates, was very late and sometimes didn't show up at all. He hated all her friends, so eventually she gave them up -- even her longtime girlfriends. Now he wants to have nothing to do with us.

We live 1,000 miles away and feel lucky to get to see her twice a year (Christmas and her birthday).

We had a family reunion -- Donna did not attend. Bill's family had a reunion -- they attended.

I know Donna should be more aggressive, but it is not her nature. Should we stop calling, writing and sending her gifts? If we don't stay in touch, it will be exactly what Bill wants to happen.

We had Donna when we were 40, and I have a terminal illness, which makes matters worse. Abby, what would you do? -- CAN'T CRY ANYMORE

DEAR CAN'T: I would do whatever pleases ME.

It is obvious that your daughter is being totally controlled by her husband. You do not say whether she is happy with this arrangement. Coupled with the estrangement from family and friends that you describe, this can be a warning sign of impending mental or physical abuse. If she is happy, don't try to "rescue" her. But if she's not, let her know you're there for her and will help her in any way you can -- should she ask.

DEAR ABBY: Some friends of mine were recently married and had a strange request for a gift. The groom is a widower who had a home completely furnished with all the necessities. This was the bride's first marriage.

Our circle of friends all attend the same church, so an announcement was displayed on the bulletin board stating that since they already had all the things they need to start a home together, they were requesting that any gifts be sent in the form of a cash donation to a travel agency for their honeymoon. A small announcement with the same message was included with each wedding invitation.

Abby, many of us have very simple lifestyles and try not to be condemning, so very little was said. I am also aware that many people care very little about what etiquette dictates. However, it seems to me that if people want to give a gift, it is just that -- a gift, of their choosing. Some say this isn't any different from a bride registering at a department store. To me, it was just a little too tacky. Your opinion, please. -- WANTS TO KNOW IN YORBA LINDA, CALIF.

DEAR WANTS TO KNOW: I agree with you. If someone asks what the couple could use, then the friends and family can offer a suggestion. But to include an announcement requesting a particular gift or a gift of money is, indeed, tacky.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from Jack R. Robinson from Kennewick, Wash., who wrote because he was concerned that nowhere other than in your column was George Washington's birthday (Feb. 22) mentioned.

He should take heart because every year anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 come to our south Texas community, which was established in 1775, to celebrate that important occasion. We are Laredo, Texas, just 150 miles south of San Antonio, and we have celebrated George Washington's birthday every year for the last 100 years!

Feel free to visit our Web site at http://www.icsildo.com/wbca/index.htm. I think you will be most surprised. Interested readers can also contact the Washington's Birthday Celebration Association by writing: 1819 E. Hillside Road, Laredo, Texas 78041. -- GLEN S. JACKSON, 99TH WBCA PRESIDENT, 1995-96

DEAR FORMER PRESIDENT JACKSON: I'm certain that many readers will be interested to know that in your city, Washington's birthday is still celebrated in the traditional way. I know I was. Thank you for writing.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Today, on Mother's Day, may I take this opportunity to extend congratulations and good wishes to my readers. For those of you who are just starting out on the adventure of motherhood, I would like to share a prayer that was written by the late Dr. Gary C. Myers, the founder of "Highlights for Children," a wholesome, educational monthly magazine. It summarizes beautifully what all of us need to remember.

A PARENT'S PRAYER

Oh, heavenly Father, make me a better parent. Help me to understand my children, to listen patiently to what they have to say and to answer all their questions kindly. Keep me from interrupting them, talking back to them and contradicting them. Make me as courteous to them as I would have them be to me. Give me the courage to confess my sins against my children and ask their forgiveness when I know that I have done wrong.

May I not vainly hurt the feelings of my children. Forbid that I should laugh at their mistakes, or resort to shame and ridicule as punishment. Let me not tempt a child to lie or steal. So guide me hour by hour that I may demonstrate by all I say and do that honesty produces happiness.

Reduce, I pray, the meanness in me. May I cease to nag, and when I am out of sorts, help me, Oh Lord, to hold my tongue. Blind me to the little errors of my children and help me to see the good things that they do. Give me a ready word for honest praise.

Help me to treat my children as those of their own age, but let me not exact of them the judgments and conventions of adults. Allow me not to rob them of the opportunity to wait upon themselves, to think, to choose, and to make their own decisions.

Forbid that I should ever punish them for my selfish satisfaction. May I grant them all their wishes that are reasonable and have the courage always to withhold a privilege which I know will do them harm.

Make me so fair and just, so considerate and companionable to my children that they will have genuine esteem for me. Fit me to be loved and imitated by my children. With all thy gifts, Oh God, do give me calmness and poise and self-control.

DEAR READERS: I am often asked the significance of wearing a red carnation on Mother's Day. A red carnation is worn to signify that one's mother is living. A white carnation signifies that one's mother is deceased.

There should also be an identifying flower worn by those mothers who chose motherhood by rearing a foster child or stepchild.

And a special place in heaven awaits those mothers who choose a physically or mentally challenged child, knowing that he or she has not only special needs but also requires a superabundance of love, understanding and patience.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ANYONE FOR WHOM IT IS NOT YET TOO LATE: The gestation period of a mother's advice is anywhere from one week to 50 years. Losing one's mother before having thanked her for the many precious things she taught you is one of life's greatest tragedies.

P.S. Readers who would like a professionally printed copy of "A Parent's Prayer" may obtain one by phoning Highlights for Children at 1 (800) 255-9517, Monday through Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.(EDT).

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am hoping you can help me with this delicate problem. Last year, our youngest son died. He was born with chromosome abnormalities, much like Down syndrome, though much rarer. We also have another son, who is 7.

Our dilemma: How do we respond when asked, "How many children do you have?" I always find this difficult to answer because I feel a necessity to include our youngest as our child, even though he has passed away. Some years ago, you responded to another reader who asked the very same question. Could you possibly print it again, as I feel it would be helpful not only to us, but also to others in the same situation. -- CATHY IN NORTH VANCOUVER, B.C.

DEAR CATHY: Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your precious son. When I was asked this question in April 1995, I responded that neglecting to mention a child (or children) lost in death would in no way diminish their importance, but unless the parents were prepared to answer the inevitable follow-up questions about the tragic loss, they should count only the living children when asked how many children they have.

I suspect that the letter to which you refer was one I printed six weeks later as a follow-up. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but I had to write immediately when I read your answer to "Mourning in Fresno," whose 25-year-old son had died. She wondered what to say when people asked her how many children she had, and you suggested she count only the living one.

If "Mourning" had lost her only child, would your answer have been the same?

For her to say, "I have no children" would not only deny her son's life, it would also deny what she had been for half of her life -- a mother to that child.

A bereaved parent would feel guilty and disloyal failing to count the child who has died. "Mourning" would probably feel better if she replied, "I raised two sons." Then she could add a few remarks about her living son, steering the conversation in that direction. Eventually, she will feel more comfortable talking about the son who has died.

In the two years since our daughter's death, the wonderful people at the Compassionate Friends have helped us to face this question and many others.

I hope "Mourning" can find a chapter of this support group in her area. -- SANDEE MCALPINE, CINCINNATI

DEAR SANDEE MCALPINE: Please accept my condolences on the loss of your daughter. I received many letters from parents who share your views. Thank you for mentioning Compassionate Friends. They provide an invaluable service, and can be contacted by writing to P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, Ill. 60522-3696.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A student assigned to comment on "books that have helped me the most," replied, "My mother's cookbook and my father's checkbook."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)