DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost four years. He has two children in middle school from his first marriage who live not far away. He and his ex-wife are on friendly terms, but I am having some problems with their relationship.

Whenever there is a special occasion, like birthdays, Father's Day, etc., my husband's ex-wife buys gifts for him from the children. I think it is my place to see that he has gifts from his children. Am I wrong?

My other concern is that when the children are at our home and their mother comes to pick them up, she always comes into the house. I work irregular shifts so I am seldom there when she comes over. I don't want her in my home with my husband when I am not there. Am I wrong about this, too? My husband says I'm wrong on both counts. -- NO GIFTS, PLEASE IN HUDSON, N.C.

DEAR NO GIFTS: Setting a good example and creating an atmosphere of civility are more important than your feelings of insecurity.

It is the mother's responsibility to teach the children about gift-giving. Be thankful she is setting a tone of generosity and encouraging the children to acknowledge their father on special occasions. The right thing for your husband (and you) to do would be to see that the gift-giving is reciprocal on her birthday and Mother's Day.

However, since your husband's ex-wife's presence in your home when you are absent makes you uncomfortable, your husband should respect your feelings and ask the children to meet their mother out in front of the house when she picks them up.

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Hurting in Cincinnati," and I think you missed the boat in your reply.

Nosy questions like "How much do you weigh?" don't deserve answers. The flight attendant should simply flash her brightest smile and say, "Wow! That's really a personal question!" then change the subject entirely, i.e.: "Would you like a magazine?"

Questions such as, "When are you due?" and "How much longer do you have before you go on maternity leave?" can be answered with humor by replying, "Probably nine months after we decide to start a family!" with a smile and a chuckle. She can then ask the passenger, "Do you have children?" and change the subject.

As a woman who is overweight and has a sensitive nature, I have had to deal with my share of these questions. A smile and a sense of humor have helped me through most of them. "Hurting in Cincinnati" should remember that everyone has problems. Some are just more visible than others.

Abby, people with a weight problem know they should see a physician. They know they should consider an exercise program and see a dietitian. But knowledge and action are two different things. Ask any smoker, drug user, alcoholic or gambler. Bribing us, shaming us, taunting us and humiliating us will not work. When we're truly ready to seek help, we will. Sign me ... A LOVELY PERSONALITY IN FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR LOVELY PERSONALITY: Thank you for an excellent letter, one of many I received from overweight individuals who have accepted themselves as they are, and who disagreed with my answer. (Some accused me of being fat phobic, and that may be true because it has only been with discipline and conscious effort that I've been able to maintain a consistent dress size for most of my adult life.) However, the reason uppermost in my mind when I advised the flight attendant to regard the questions about her being pregnant as a wake-up call was the fact that her employment could depend upon controlling her weight.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, "Donna," our youngest daughter, married "Bill." We were not happy with her choice, but she was 23 and it was her decision, so we gave her a beautiful wedding and kept quiet.

While they were dating, Bill broke dates, was very late and sometimes didn't show up at all. He hated all her friends, so eventually she gave them up -- even her longtime girlfriends. Now he wants to have nothing to do with us.

We live 1,000 miles away and feel lucky to get to see her twice a year (Christmas and her birthday).

We had a family reunion -- Donna did not attend. Bill's family had a reunion -- they attended.

I know Donna should be more aggressive, but it is not her nature. Should we stop calling, writing and sending her gifts? If we don't stay in touch, it will be exactly what Bill wants to happen.

We had Donna when we were 40, and I have a terminal illness, which makes matters worse. Abby, what would you do? -- CAN'T CRY ANYMORE

DEAR CAN'T: I would do whatever pleases ME.

It is obvious that your daughter is being totally controlled by her husband. You do not say whether she is happy with this arrangement. Coupled with the estrangement from family and friends that you describe, this can be a warning sign of impending mental or physical abuse. If she is happy, don't try to "rescue" her. But if she's not, let her know you're there for her and will help her in any way you can -- should she ask.

DEAR ABBY: Some friends of mine were recently married and had a strange request for a gift. The groom is a widower who had a home completely furnished with all the necessities. This was the bride's first marriage.

Our circle of friends all attend the same church, so an announcement was displayed on the bulletin board stating that since they already had all the things they need to start a home together, they were requesting that any gifts be sent in the form of a cash donation to a travel agency for their honeymoon. A small announcement with the same message was included with each wedding invitation.

Abby, many of us have very simple lifestyles and try not to be condemning, so very little was said. I am also aware that many people care very little about what etiquette dictates. However, it seems to me that if people want to give a gift, it is just that -- a gift, of their choosing. Some say this isn't any different from a bride registering at a department store. To me, it was just a little too tacky. Your opinion, please. -- WANTS TO KNOW IN YORBA LINDA, CALIF.

DEAR WANTS TO KNOW: I agree with you. If someone asks what the couple could use, then the friends and family can offer a suggestion. But to include an announcement requesting a particular gift or a gift of money is, indeed, tacky.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from Jack R. Robinson from Kennewick, Wash., who wrote because he was concerned that nowhere other than in your column was George Washington's birthday (Feb. 22) mentioned.

He should take heart because every year anywhere from 50,000 to 100,000 come to our south Texas community, which was established in 1775, to celebrate that important occasion. We are Laredo, Texas, just 150 miles south of San Antonio, and we have celebrated George Washington's birthday every year for the last 100 years!

Feel free to visit our Web site at http://www.icsildo.com/wbca/index.htm. I think you will be most surprised. Interested readers can also contact the Washington's Birthday Celebration Association by writing: 1819 E. Hillside Road, Laredo, Texas 78041. -- GLEN S. JACKSON, 99TH WBCA PRESIDENT, 1995-96

DEAR FORMER PRESIDENT JACKSON: I'm certain that many readers will be interested to know that in your city, Washington's birthday is still celebrated in the traditional way. I know I was. Thank you for writing.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Today, on Mother's Day, may I take this opportunity to extend congratulations and good wishes to my readers. For those of you who are just starting out on the adventure of motherhood, I would like to share a prayer that was written by the late Dr. Gary C. Myers, the founder of "Highlights for Children," a wholesome, educational monthly magazine. It summarizes beautifully what all of us need to remember.

A PARENT'S PRAYER

Oh, heavenly Father, make me a better parent. Help me to understand my children, to listen patiently to what they have to say and to answer all their questions kindly. Keep me from interrupting them, talking back to them and contradicting them. Make me as courteous to them as I would have them be to me. Give me the courage to confess my sins against my children and ask their forgiveness when I know that I have done wrong.

May I not vainly hurt the feelings of my children. Forbid that I should laugh at their mistakes, or resort to shame and ridicule as punishment. Let me not tempt a child to lie or steal. So guide me hour by hour that I may demonstrate by all I say and do that honesty produces happiness.

Reduce, I pray, the meanness in me. May I cease to nag, and when I am out of sorts, help me, Oh Lord, to hold my tongue. Blind me to the little errors of my children and help me to see the good things that they do. Give me a ready word for honest praise.

Help me to treat my children as those of their own age, but let me not exact of them the judgments and conventions of adults. Allow me not to rob them of the opportunity to wait upon themselves, to think, to choose, and to make their own decisions.

Forbid that I should ever punish them for my selfish satisfaction. May I grant them all their wishes that are reasonable and have the courage always to withhold a privilege which I know will do them harm.

Make me so fair and just, so considerate and companionable to my children that they will have genuine esteem for me. Fit me to be loved and imitated by my children. With all thy gifts, Oh God, do give me calmness and poise and self-control.

DEAR READERS: I am often asked the significance of wearing a red carnation on Mother's Day. A red carnation is worn to signify that one's mother is living. A white carnation signifies that one's mother is deceased.

There should also be an identifying flower worn by those mothers who chose motherhood by rearing a foster child or stepchild.

And a special place in heaven awaits those mothers who choose a physically or mentally challenged child, knowing that he or she has not only special needs but also requires a superabundance of love, understanding and patience.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ANYONE FOR WHOM IT IS NOT YET TOO LATE: The gestation period of a mother's advice is anywhere from one week to 50 years. Losing one's mother before having thanked her for the many precious things she taught you is one of life's greatest tragedies.

P.S. Readers who would like a professionally printed copy of "A Parent's Prayer" may obtain one by phoning Highlights for Children at 1 (800) 255-9517, Monday through Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.(EDT).

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)