DEAR ABBY: My folks recently went on an extended "road trip" vacation. Whenever they've gone away before, they have stayed in the same hotel and we have had their telephone number.

This trip was different. They were going to take their time and stop where and when they wanted to. They were good about sending postcards, but not about calling and checking in with us. We never would have given this a second thought, except that my grandmother died while they were away and we had no way of informing them. They didn't find out about her passing until after the funeral.

Everyone felt terrible about this, especially my folks.

If this letter can help to open a few of your readers' eyes and spare them this heartache, it was worth writing. I know I will be calling home every few days when I'm vacationing from now on, because you never know what can happen. -- ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR ST. PAUL: The idea of taking off with no destination in mind might appeal to many. However, your letter highlights just one of the sobering realities that should be considered before deciding to do so.

The best policy is to leave a detailed itinerary with friends or family, or to make a point of checking in regularly. Your parents' experience was most unfortunate.

DEAR ABBY: You told "Amber in Sacramento" to ask the mother what she named her baby in order to find out whether the infant was a boy or a girl. I am a pediatrician, and believe me, you cannot always tell by the name.

I remember with amused embarrassment the first time an infant named Jamie was brought to my office. At that time, Jamie was a common name for a boy. I referred to the baby as "he," and Mom quickly corrected me with, "She's a girl." Thank goodness Mom didn't hold my error against me. I have remained friends with the parents of this girl over the years.

Current patients include girls named Tyler, Taylor and Cameron, two boys named Lynn, and two patients named Robin -- one girl, one boy. If I'm told the name is "Alex," I still have to find out if it's Alexander, Alexandra or Alexis. And when Mom says her baby's name is "Tony" (Tony and Toni sound the same), I don't immediately know if my patient is a female or a male.

Other names of my patients: Chadijha, Stormei, Scout, Travion, Chaymin and Taynaisha. Do you know which of these are girls and which are boys?

Abby, do you by chance remember the Johnny Cash song, "A Boy Named Sue"? While your advice would work in some cases, it's safer to ask the mother, "Is your adorable child a boy or a girl?" -- LEE BERNSTEIN, M.D., LAS VEGAS

DEAR DR. BERNSTEIN: You're right. The name is not always a foolproof guide to the gender of the infant.

"Abby" could be a boy or a girl -- as in Abbie Hoffman, or in my case, for Abigail.

I also concede that asking a direct question is the most intelligent solution.

P.S. Incidentally, Doctor, "Lee" can also be either gender.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "OVER 21 AND ALL GROWN UP IN ALBANY": Maturity is the ability to stick with a job until it's finished; to do a job without being supervised; to carry money without spending it; and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even. -- Abigail Van Buren

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This letter is prompted by the letter in your column from the 9-year-old girl who signed her letter "Missing My Dad in Michigan." She hadn't heard from her father in more than four years.

I experienced the same thing when my parents divorced in 1978. In the beginning, I received a few letters, phone calls and visits from Daddy, but they dwindled to nothing after a couple of years.

Ten years after the divorce, I began an effort to find my father. I located his mother, which resulted in her contacting my father. Ten minutes after I spoke with my grandmother, my phone rang and my father was on the other end. It was, needless to say, a very emotional phone call. I realized that after many years with no communication, I had built up tremendous reserves of anger, resentment and bitterness. I had hated my father for not loving me.

It turned out that he had loved me very much. He had been afraid to contact me for fear that my mother would have him arrested (for non-payment of alimony/child support) if he appeared in Virginia or if she discovered where he lived. A year after our first conversation, I flew out to see him. It was a trying yet rewarding time, as we began to get to know each other all over again.

We are learning even more as the years pass. By 1994, we had repaired our relationship so well that he was able to give me away at my wedding. He's now eagerly awaiting the day we can tell him he's a grandfather.

To the parents of the young lady who wrote to you: You may be very angry at each other and hurting each other in an effort to get even, but please remember that the one you are hurting the most is your daughter. Dad, she needs you. There's no way to recapture the years lost when you weren't in your daughter's life. Mom, no amount of money you may or may not receive is worth the emotional pain and loss being inflicted on your daughter.

To the young lady who signed her letter "Missing My Dad in Michigan": I was your age when I went through the same experience. Divorce is extremely painful for all involved, but particularly for you because you are innocent. I hope and pray that you will learn to understand, forgive and love both your parents -- because I am sure they both love you. -- KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL

DEAR KNOWS: Your letter is further testimony to the importance of both parents staying involved and in frequent, continuing contact regardless of the status of the marriage. Parents should be partners in raising their children, even when they do not live in the same household, because it benefits the emotional well-being of the children.

The Children's Rights Council has published a book containing valuable information for parents and professionals on how to handle divorce so that it's less traumatic for children. It's titled "The Best Parent Is Both Parents." It can be ordered from: The Children's Rights Council, 220 Eye St. N.E., Suite 140, Washington, D.C. 20002-4362. The cost: $10 plus $2 shipping and handling. Please allow four to six weeks for delivery.

QUOTE WORTH THINKING ABOUT: Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying -- but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? -- Lily Tomlin

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are planning an August wedding, and we're working on the exact wording of the ceremony. He is a judge and I have a Ph.D. in education. We've worked hard for these degrees and titles and are proud of them.

At the end of the ceremony when the presentation is made, instead of the usual, "I present to you Mr. and Mrs. (BLANK)," I thought maybe it could be, "I present to you Judge and Doctor (BLANK)."

My fiance says this is too pretentious. I agree that it's pretentious, but I prefer to be called "Doctor" rather than "Mrs." Abby, what do you think?

As it is, we'll go with Mr. and Mrs., but I wonder if you see any other solution here? -- DR. D. IN ARCADIA

DEAR DR. D.: I vote with your fiance. Your friends and family already know that he is a judge and you have a Ph.D.

The wedding is about the two of you becoming husband and wife -- not judge and doctor. After the wedding you'll have the rest of your lives to be addressed as judge and doctor.

DEAR ABBY: I am the director of nursing at a nursing home in Oklahoma City. I recently received a phone call from a woman who asked for the name of a resident who had no family members living. I asked her why, and she explained the following:

Her mother had been in a nursing home for the last few years of her life. The caller had worked in nursing homes and had seen firsthand that many residents had no one to visit or care about them. After her mother died, on Mother's Day, rather than leaving flowers at the grave, she chose to give them to one of those residents in need. She said it had always given her a warm feeling to brighten up someone's life, and she felt her mother would applaud her decision. She never leaves her name; she just signs the card, "Hope you have a great day." The resident never knows who sent the flowers.

I thought this was a wonderful idea, and chose someone I thought would appreciate the bouquet. This gesture so warmed me that I'm sharing it with you, in the hope that you'll share it with others. Please do not print my name. -- ANONYMOUS IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: What a lovely idea. I'm pleased to pass it along to my readers.

DEAR ABBY: In this day of many divorces and remarriages involving children and the attending problems of blended families, I thought you might find a positive note refreshing.

Nine years ago, I married a man who had three daughters from an earlier marriage. I had three sons and a daughter. They were all young adults, and we were a little uneasy about the outcome of the blended families.

I am proud to say that everything has worked out beautifully. Why? Because all our children loved us enough to do everything they could to ensure that we found happiness with our new spouse.

How could we not love each other's children for caring so much? Love begets love when you let it. We feel so rich, not financially, but where it counts the most. -- CAROL OSBORNE, DOWNINGTOWN, PA.

P.S. Keep up the good work with your sensible, compassionate and realistic advice.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)