DEAR ABBY: My 3-year-old son recently threw a tantrum in a large department store. I had called a "time-out," and he started yelling and screaming.

I picked him up and started for the car. All the while, he cried and struggled to get away from me. At one point, I put him down to get a better hold on him. He threw himself on the floor and lay flat. It's not easy to pick up a heavy child who won't cooperate, but I managed, then took him to the car to finish his time-out.

After the episode was over, it struck me that not one person questioned whether this child, who was trying so desperately to get away from me, was mine! How did they know whether he was throwing a tantrum or if, perhaps, I was kidnapping him?

Although I'm grateful no one tried to interfere, I'm also alarmed that they didn't.

Did I do the right thing when my son threw that tantrum, Abby? Or was there a better way to handle this? I'm a young mother, and if there's a better way, I'd like to know. -- CARING PARENT IN ARIZONA

DEAR CARING: Under the circumstances, you handled the situation appropriately, and I agree, it is alarming that the public accepts without question a child being forcibly carried from a public place.

Although it is unlikely a kidnapper would want to draw attention by forcing a screaming child out the door of a department store, if customers observe a suspicious situation, store clerks or management should be notified immediately. Most stores have policies to deal with such incidents. Should police intervention be necessary, management would be able to initiate security procedures and could reach emergency services faster than customers.

The National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse shared the following tips for parents, which you and others might find useful. Read on:

HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY SHOPPING EXPERIENCE WITH CHILDREN

1. Establish "rules for shopping" before leaving home. If you have a "no candy" rule, be clear and consistent about it. Review the rules periodically so they are familiar to even small children.

2. Take along a favorite toy or book, or a surprise treat to eat during the shopping trip.

3. Make up "store" games that engage the child. A suggestion: As you select fruits and vegetables or canned foods at the market, ask the child, "What could we make from oranges?" "What could we make from apples?"

4. Let the children know ahead of time that good behavior while shopping will earn them a treat later in the day.

5. Try not to let a shopping trip interfere with the children's naps or mealtimes. Plan your outing when children are well rested and not hungry.

6. Reinforce good behavior. Let your child know you appreciate his or her willingness to cooperate.

7. If the child misbehaves, remove him or her to a more private place to discuss the behavior. Avoiding a public scene will make you (and the child) feel better.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a committed recycler. If I have a choice between two similar products, I'll choose the one that has the least packaging and/or is the most recyclable. When I buy fruit and vegetables, I do not put each item into its plastic bag. I bring my own cloth bags for my groceries. I wash my fruits and vegetables when I get home, so I don't mind if they are handled a couple more times along the way.

My problems begin when I reach the checkout counter. First, I hear a big sigh. Then they try to put all my produce into separate plastic bags. Sometimes the bagger even lines my cloth bag with a plastic one. What's the point in bringing my own bags if I take home as much plastic as if I hadn't brought them?

On occasion, I have even tried to bag my own groceries, but the employees just roll their eyes, or glare at me.

Abby, please remind checkout personnel that customers who bring their own bags are trying to conserve our resources and are concerned about our environment. -- TEXAS RECYCLER

DEAR RECYCLER: The next time you're in a checkout line and the bagger asks, "Paper or plastic?" say, "Neither, thank you. I brought cloth bags, so it's not necessary to segregate the produce."

DEAR ABBY: Re the judge and Ph.D. who were planning their wedding and wanted to know how they should be properly announced at the ceremony:

In my opinion, your advice was off the mark. In this day and age of women keeping their own names and having their own titles, announcing them as "Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname" is inappropriate. This portion of the ceremony is about the new status of the couple AND their "new names."

While it's true that the wedding is "about the two of you becoming husband and wife, not judge and doctor," it is also true that becoming husband and wife is NOT about the wife's being called Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname anymore. Or even about the titles of "Mr." or "Mrs." where those are not applicable.

How about omitting this outdated "announcement" of new names and identities altogether? Is there any reason the presentation cannot be along the lines of, "Let's welcome John and Sally, husband and wife," or eliminated entirely? -- FLORIDA LAWYER

DEAR FLORIDA LAWYER: Of course not. Today, many couples opt for customizing their wedding ceremonies, and most clergy are cooperative about adding or deleting from the standard text.

That letter prompted some strong reactions from my readers. Read on for a letter with a very different viewpoint from yours:

DEAR ABBY: Dr. D., the Ph.D. from Arcadia, proves only that some educated and intelligent people are not necessarily smart. She may have a doctorate in education, but she failed Common Sense 101.

If I were the judge who is marrying her, I'd put a "stay of execution" on this wedding ceremony. In fact, I'd run as far as I could away from this "doctor" -- maybe to another state or country.

If I seem to be hard on this woman, it's because I've seen, met, spoken to, and even broken bread with this type of person. These people are selfish and self-centered. It's unfortunate that they don't recognize themselves. By the way, I'm an M.D., but you can call me "Bill." -- A BIG FAN IN SANTA CLARITA, CALIF.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "A Perplexed Reader," who twice surprised her 73-year-old husband while he was watching pornographic movies. I went through a similar experience with my ex-husband, who often stayed home from work "sick" to watch these movies.

When I first discovered he was sneaking them into our home, I wasn't concerned about it. I considered it his personal "hobby." As time progressed, however, I realized these movies were taking the place of our sex life and were undermining my trust in him because he always watched them behind my back. I later learned his "hobby" extended to visiting booths with live female performers during his lunch breaks.

Our couple counselor had given us the same advice you gave "perplexed" -- that many people enjoy watching pornographic movies and I should "not make an issue of it." The conclusion I reached was that it WAS an issue when it began to interfere with our sex life and my trust in him.

I don't think watching pornography is wrong. I watch it from time to time WITH my current partner, as part of a very satisfying sex life. I do think the fact that "Perplexed's" husband watches these movies secretively indicates there may be cause for concern. If she feels it takes away from her intimate relationship with her husband, then it's an issue they both should address -- and the sooner the better. -- EX-PERPLEXED IN FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR EX-PERPLEXED: Thank you for an intelligent letter. Although "Perplexed" did not indicate that her husband used pornography in the past to arouse himself, the point you raise about his secrecy is an important one. For a woman to find she has been shut out of a portion of her spouse's sex life can be traumatic and damaging to her self-esteem. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I know where "Perplexed" is coming from. I have found my husband masturbating since his prostate surgery, and it hurts and shocks me, too. Here is why:

Prostate surgery also robs wives of a sex life. I, for one, was willing to give that up in order for him to have his health. However, for the husband to then choose an alternate sexual habit is akin to his having an affair. She is left with loneliness and misunderstanding.

Abby, this is not a casual problem. It is devastating to a man to lose his ability to perform sexually, but usually it is just as devastating to his wife, and he needs to be sensitive to her feelings and desires.

I want "Perplexed" to know that she is not alone. I, and many other women, feel a great deal of empathy for her. I don't have the answer, but it's not as simple as accepting his enjoyment of pornographic movies. This is a problem much deeper than that. Please don't make her situation seem trivial, because it isn't. -- ALSO PERPLEXED IN FORT MYERS, FLA.

DEAR ALSO PERPLEXED: If you feel that I have trivialized the problem of impotence and its impact upon the spouse, I apologize.

Prostate surgery does not have to be the death knell of a couple's sex life. Many books have been written on this subject. There are also sex therapists who can help. I urge you to consult one.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)