DEAR ABBY: I did a careless thing and I don't know what to do next. My mother and I have kept a big secret (I will not divulge the secret) within the family since I was a small child.

This secret has involved numerous lies to outsiders. I asked Mother for permission to discuss the secret with my psychiatrist, and she agreed. We were both comfortable with this, knowing that psychiatrists cannot reveal what their patients discuss.

I did not ask for permission to discuss it with my support group. However, I did discuss it -- and now I'm worried that one of the other members of the group will mention it to someone outside, and my indiscretion will come back to haunt me.

Mother does not know I did this. She and I are extremely close and I know she senses my nervousness. My question: Should I confess to Mother and clear my conscience, or should I pretend that nothing happened? This is tearing me up inside. I feel physically ill and I'm extremely depressed. My mother has been through enough and I don't want to hurt her, but I cannot forget what I have done. -- FEELING GUILTY

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: It is unlikely that your secret will be discussed outside your therapy group, where generally, confidentiality is required. Discuss your fears with your psychiatrist, and ask him or her to make an announcement reiterating confidentiality at the next group session. Since you feel that your mother would be upset by your disclosure, say nothing to her. Then forgive yourself, and let it go.

DEAR ABBY: I was baffled by your response to "Stressed Out in Whitehall, Pa.," who wrote to you concerning a piano that her sister had given her seven years before and now wanted returned. You practically ignored the piano issue, which was the point of the woman's letter, advising her to return it -- and then went on to give her an abundance of information about the chronic fatigue syndrome she mentioned she was suffering from.

Although I'm sure "Stressed Out" appreciated your concern for her health, she wrote to you about the PIANO. Why should she, immediately upon her sister's request, return a piano that was given to her and that she had kept for seven years?

You excused the sister's rude actions by stating that she may have been unaware of "Stressed Out's" illness. Regardless of her health, if she still plays the piano and derives pleasure from it, I see no reason why she should give it up. The piano was given to her, and her sister will just have to learn to deal with it. -- A FELLOW PIANIST IN HILLSBOROUGH, CALIF.

DEAR FELLOW PIANIST: "Stressed Out" said her sister "insists that she told me seven years ago that she was giving me the piano with the stipulation that if one of her children or grandchildren should decide some time in the future that they wanted to play, I would return it."

As a fellow pianist, you certainly must be aware that a good piano is a big-ticket item. Rather than create ill will on the part of her sister, her niece and her grandniece -- as well as to keep peace in the family -- I advised her to return the disputed piano. I stand by my answer.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In the past three or four months, I have heard that a new addiction is about to be exposed in our society: sexual addiction. Just a few months ago on ABC's television news magazine "20/20," they devoted an entire segment to this subject.

I have been suspicious of my husband for years, but because of his ongoing difficulties with marijuana, alcohol, nitrous oxide, cocaine, and prescription diet and pain medications, I thought maybe the interest in sexually explicit magazines, movies, etc., just went with the territory. After the last go-around with chemical problems, he threw out all the pornography. I was relieved; then I recently discovered more hidden magazines. They are not the kind one picks up at the corner convenience store.

From what I've been able to ascertain, my sexual appetite is normal, but his seems insatiable. When we've been on vacation, relaxing and paying undivided attention to one another (no kids or interruptions), we can make love three or four times a day. And if I don't want to do it again a fifth time, according to him I have a problem! Often when he comes up to me to kiss me, he will grab me, which I have always indicated I don't like. He has always had poor sleep patterns, getting up and down several times during the night, and nearly every time he comes back to bed he tries to initiate sex. When I object and tell him I don't like to be awakened, he often berates and belittles me, sometimes calling me names and saying I'm frigid.

I think if he's getting his information from pornography, not only is it not what I'd call a scientific source, it's a perverted representation of what the majority of the population would call normal. Is this a common problem? I don't feel I am respected, cherished and showered with attention. I am usually tired. You can sign me ... FEELING USED IN GREAT FALLS, MONT.

DEAR FEELING USED: You must love your husband very much to have remained with him through all the tribulations you describe. Sex addiction is nothing new. I have known about it since the early 1980s, when I first learned of the existence of a 12-step fellowship of sex addicts called Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).

Operating in conjunction with SA are the S-ANON International Family Groups -- 12-step fellowships of people who have been affected by the sexual addiction of a family member or friend. A program such as this could provide comfort and direction for you.

S-ANON members are wives, husbands, children, parents, siblings, friends and even co-workers of sex addicts. Banding together in a program based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, they work to resolve their common problems and to help others recover from the effects of another's sexual addiction.

There are no dues or fees for S-ANON membership. Anyone who is bothered by the sexual behavior of someone in the family is eligible to join. I urge you to attend some meetings.

Those who wish further information about S-ANON International Family Groups should write S-ANON I.F.G., P.O. Box 111242, Nashville, Tenn. 37222-1242, and include a check or money order (no cash, please) in the amount of $1 to cover postage and handling.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

EDITORS: In the signature of the second letter, "Betie" is correct with one "t."

DEAR ABBY: I read with great interest your answer to "Concerned in Florida," who was worried that her husband might rekindle a romance with his former high school flame (and later his fiancee), a woman they both see socially from time to time. You advised her that such a romance would be highly unlikely, since "Concerned" has had 40 years of a good marriage and so has the old flame.

Abby, your conclusion certainly sounds reasonable, but it is incorrect. I have spent the last four years researching more than 1,000 couples worldwide who have reunited after many years apart. I have learned that these reunions are quite common, and the flame can reignite at any point. One couple had been separated for 63 years!

As I reported in my book, "Lost and Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances," overall, 72 percent of these renewed loves stayed together, and the percentage was even higher if they had been first loves. These are very stable, joyous and sexually passionate relationships the second time around. However, you should inform your readers that over 30 percent of these couples began their reunions while one (or both) of them was married to someone else!

These lovers often tell me -- sometimes between sobs -- that they are in good marriages and love their spouses; they NEVER intended to find themselves in affairs. The lost lovers met again innocently, often with their spouses present, and none was prepared for the "old feelings" to return full force. They feel torn between their marriages and their lost-and-found lovers -- but not for long. Rekindled romances are emotional steamrollers; they choose the old flame in most cases, leaving their bewildered, devastated spouses behind.

My research project is the only study of lost-and-found lovers ever conducted. For the first time, there are norms for these renewed romances.

My advice, based on my years of study, is to encourage single, divorced or widowed individuals to look for sweethearts or old friends from their past, but to strongly discourage married people from doing so.

Abby, please warn your readers that there is NOTHING safe about meeting with a former sweetheart, no matter how innocent the intentions, or how many years have passed, or how strong the marriage seems to be.

If "Concerned in Florida" invites her husband's old flame to his surprise birthday party, she might get badly burned. -- NANCY KALISH, PH.D., PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY, CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR DR. KALISH: Thank you for informing me of what has to have been a fascinating study, and for wanting to warn my readers. In the light of your research, I would like to formally retract my advice to "Concerned in Florida." In the future I will warn my married readers that old flames are potentially combustible: They can ignite without warning, and leave a marriage in ashes.

So, don't play with fire!

DEAR ABBY: May I add my story to your acts of kindness?

Two years ago, a friend who now lives in Israel came to visit me with her family. I had known her from my hometown back in Orleans, France. One evening, while I was surrounded by my grown children and my husband, she told me a story that I had never heard. She said my father (Leon Levenson), now deceased, had saved the lives of her entire family -- seven people -- during World War II by helping them hide their Jewish identity in order to avoid being killed by the invading Nazis.

After hearing this story, I realized that my father, who was short in stature, had been a giant among men and was truly one of those "unsung heroes" who never tell their stories.

I thank God for the opportunity to have known such a person in my lifetime. -- BETIE NEWTON, GLENDALE, ARIZ.

DEAR MRS. NEWTON: And I thank God that we're living in a country where people will never encounter the horror that was faced by your friend and your father. He was a man of great courage and conviction. Thank you for writing.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)