DEAR ABBY: I am a former bishop (local pastor) of the Diamond Bar Ward of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My heart broke when I read the letter from the 21-year-old LDS rape victim. Although I am responding to a letter involving a Mormon girl, I would give the same advice to anyone. She must do four things immediately:

First, she must notify the police and press charges, regardless of who the person is. She is the innocent victim of a heinous crime. The community needs to know there is a predator in their midst, and the criminal needs to be brought to justice.

Second, she must see a doctor. Pregnancy is the least of potential problems to which she was forcefully exposed.

Third, she should confide in her parents. She needs support from those who love her most. She has nothing to be ashamed of. She is a victim and needs love and understanding to heal the wounds inflicted on her. She may need counseling from a professional as well.

Fourth, she needs to confide in her bishop. He will assure her that she has committed no sin, and has done nothing requiring forgiveness. No one can take a person's chastity by force. He will tell her she is still a virgin and will remain so until she gives herself to her husband. The presence or absence of a hymen does not determine virginity or chastity. Chastity is a condition of the soul and the mind. It is not physical; it is spiritual.

To all young people who have been raped or molested, I say: "Do not feel worthless. Satan will lie to you and tell you that you are degraded, of no value, a thing of scorn; our Father in Heaven never has, and never will. Believe God; you can trust Him." -- EDWARD D. BOTTOM, DIAMOND BAR, CALIF.

DEAR MR. BOTTOM: Thank you for your compassionate and encouraging letter. I have heard from thousands of concerned people offering words of support and encouragement to the young Mormon woman. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Raped Virgin" asked if she is still a virgin. I have spoken to several hundred women in her situation. Her feelings are very normal after having survived a traumatic sexual assault. I hope she reads this, because I want her to understand: She is still a virgin. She did not give herself to anyone; she was assaulted. What happened to her was beyond her control. The choice was not hers; she is not to blame.

You gave her great advice by encouraging her to call her local rape crisis hotline. I would further encourage her to seek counseling through agencies her local police department can provide. There are counselors available who deal primarily with sexual assault victims. Counseling is an important part of the healing process. It will lead her on the road to recovery.

She is a survivor. With the support of professionals, family and friends, she can heal and put this horrible experience behind her. -- DETECTIVE NORMA PEROTTI DORMANN, SEX CRIMES UNIT, SAN DIEGO POLICE DEPARTMENT

DEAR ABBY: I would like to reply to "Raped Virgin." Yes, you are still a virgin. You have lived a clean and godly life. Please don't sell yourself short. Your parents love you and cherish you. Go immediately to your bishop. He is trained to handle many situations and will not look down on you. Most of all, please remember your Heavenly Father loves you and will heal your heartache if you allow it. -- MOTHER OF ANOTHER RAPED VIRGIN

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: I have practiced law for 40 years as a trial lawyer and counselor, and have served as a mediator for more than 1,000 cases in the last seven years. In my role as a peacemaker and advocate of conflict avoidance, I have reached certain conclusions that might help your readers:

1. Learn to disagree without being disagreeable. It's all right to be assertive, but not aggressive, abusive or abrasive.

2. When someone says something with which you disagree, try not to be judgmental.

3. Maintain eye contact when greeting people, and shake their hands. (Touching is important.)

4. Be kind and courteous to everyone.

5. Remember that civility is a sign of strength, not weakness.

6. Speak softly. (People tune out loud, angry voices.)

7. Saving face is important. Give your opponent the opportunity to withdraw.

8. Your attitude is more important than your aptitude.

9. Mutual respect is the key to avoiding conflict.

10. Give the other person a chance to be heard without interrupting.

11. The shortest distance between two people is a smile. -- PETER S. CHANTILIS, ATTORNEY-MEDIATOR, DALLAS

DEAR PETER: Your suggestions are excellent. (My favorites are Nos. 7 and 11.)

DEAR ABBY: In my 32 years of living, I have spent every Christmas with my family. I am now in a serious relationship. My boyfriend and I recently decided to go skiing this Christmas during our short vacation time.

I called my mother to advise her that we wouldn't be spending Christmas Day with her and my large family, but I would love to come home for Christmas Eve.

My mother hung up on me and we haven't spoken since! She told me I was being unfair and selfish and that I should know how important the holidays are to her. I love my family, but I am an adult and should be able to make my own decisions without feeling guilty.

Isn't it time she let go? What happens one day when I have a family of my own? Is there a right or wrong? -- FEELING GUILTY IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Your mother is wrong. Don't feel guilty. You are offering a fair compromise by attending the family gathering on Christmas Eve. And yes, you will want to establish holiday traditions of your own in the future. Why not begin now?

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman who complained about the lack of women's magazines in the auto repair waiting room prompts this letter.

I question whether the evaluation of a good auto repair shop depends on the coffee and reading material offered. Until recently, we had a shop where many mechanics took their cars to be repaired. The fellow was honest, but not the most personable man in the world. He charged fair prices and did excellent work. He didn't take advantage of people who didn't know much about mechanics, worked very long hours and died too young.

The new shop in town provides coffee, pastries, large-screen television and the latest magazines. They waltz you in, and a man in a white lab coat comes in to advise you what they'll have to do to your car. Since they jack up the prices if you look prosperous, it's best to leave your jewelry at home. -- RICHARD W. KOWALSKI, NORTHAMPTON, MASS.

DEAR RICHARD: You've made your point. However, all things being equal, many women would prefer to take their business to a woman-friendly environment.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Lucy," and her girlfriend, "Madelyn," are both 14. Madelyn recently met a boy on the Internet and began having regular "conversations" with him. Her parents became concerned and forbade her to continue.

I just found out that Madelyn is now writing to the boy and using our address for him to answer her, so that her parents will not know. I told Lucy this "boy" could easily be a child molester who preys on innocent young girls. At 14, they have no life experience, and Madelyn believes everything she reads in his letters. I also found out that she has given him her real name and address, her phone number and our phone number over the Internet.

I am very concerned because all of us are working parents, and our daughters, both freshmen in high school, are home alone every day after school. My husband thinks I am worrying needlessly and should mind my own business. Abby, my warning signals are flashing. Should I tell Madelyn's parents? -- GRACE IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR GRACE: Yes, and faster than you can say "cyberspace"! Madelyn's safety may depend on it. In all likelihood, her computer friend is a decent young man, but it would be foolish to take any chances. Explain to Madelyn why her parents must know, and give them the next letter that arrives. They can use the return address to determine who the sender actually is. After that, if any more letters addressed to her arrive at your address, turn them over to Madelyn's parents.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom. My two teen-age sons have never had a dad in their lives. They had only me. They don't drink, smoke or do drugs. They don't go out carousing or causing problems in the neighborhood. All this without a father. Let me tell you my parenting philosophy:

-- Give your kids respect and they'll respect you in return.

-- Share your life with your kids and they'll share theirs with you.

-- Listen to your kids and they will listen to you.

-- Provide clear guidelines and values and they will live up to your expectations.

On the other hand, if you:

-- Smoke, drink and do drugs, your kids will do the same.

-- If you get angry and scream, they will imitate you.

-- If you kick the dog, they will kick the cat.

-- If you hit your kids, they'll hit the smaller children.

-- If you disobey the law, your kids will do the same -- and possibly land in jail.

Remember, parents, your kids imitate you. It matters not whether you're single or married: If you do your best to bring up good kids, you won't be disappointed.

I thank the good Lord that he gave me the boys I have. They are blessings beyond compare. -- ALECSANDRA BIHLMAIER, FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR ALECSANDRA: Your sons' greatest blessing was having a mother like you. Your philosophy is commendable. However, despite parents' best efforts, sometimes children choose the low road.

Parents should strive to raise their children with solid values, but they should not beat themselves up if their children are not the shining stars their parents wanted them to be.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)