DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are expecting our first child soon and are concerned about what effect secondhand smoke will have on our baby.

My mother smokes -- a lot! I know I'm probably ultrasensitive right now since I'm pregnant, but it's very hard to be around her. She smells, her house smells, her car smells.

Apart from her cigarettes she'd be a terrific grandmother. She's wonderful with her other grandchildren. We've talked about having her come to our house to visit and care for the baby, but she doesn't want to come because she can't smoke here.

Am I being too sensitive to this issue? She's not going to quit smoking. We've tried for years to get her to quit, but we have been unsuccessful.

I can't very well keep her grandchild away from her, and we'd love to have her help, but ... What do you suggest? -- ANTI-SMOKER IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR ANTI-SMOKER: You are not being too sensitive. I am also an anti-smoker. In fact, I'm a "nut" on the subject!

Even the most hooked smoker can quit if he or she has an incentive. Everything has its price. Make the reward for not smoking sufficiently attractive -- and you will see a miracle occur before your eyes. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: I need your help to resolve an ongoing fight in our home. My husband reads during every meal. Whether it's a newspaper, magazine or cereal box, he props it up in front of him and reads. I find this rude and asked him to stop -- but he sees nothing wrong with it.

Even more bothersome is his giving me a summary of everything he reads. He doesn't make conversation -- he simply tells me what he reads.

Other than that, and the fact that he refuses to help me teach our young children table manners, our marriage is great. Perhaps I shouldn't complain. However, friends of mine also complain about this same fault, so your advice could help others as well.

Abby, please help me convince my husband that mealtime should be family time and the reading material should be put aside for another time. My husband will listen to you. -- KATHLEEN, SAN PEDRO, CALIF.

DEAR KATHLEEN: If this is the only flaw in an otherwise perfect husband, thank your lucky stars. Compromise. Offer to keep quiet about breakfast table reading if he will make dinnertime a family affair. He owes you one of the two, and dinnertime is preferable.

DEAR ABBY: At our card parties and after-church services, some of our friends come over and kiss us on the cheeks. My husband and I would much rather say "Hello," and put a hand on their arms or shoulders and talk.

How can a person gracefully get out of kissing acquaintances hello and goodbye? -- MARIE IN CHERRY HILL, N.J.

DEAR MARIE: It may require some fancy footwork. When your friends approach, say "Hello" as you step to the side and put your hand on their arm, giving it a gentle squeeze, or give them a quick sideways shoulder hug. Or, turn your face from the kiss as you softly say, "Sorry, I don't want to spread my germs."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My beloved aunt died more than a month ago. I found out a few days ago when I called the rest home to check on her prior to the visit I was planning. I was devastated by the news. I felt I had lost a piece of my soul. My aunt and I had been close since I was a small child.

I live several hours away from the rest home and the drive is difficult for me, but I visited her as often as I could, and we would talk for hours. My sister, who lives much closer, has been taking care of this aunt on a day-to-day basis. Many years ago, my husband and my sister had a conflict that put a rift between us. However, we had been able to put the rift aside a couple of times for family functions.

My sister made all the arrangements for my aunt's funeral, but she never even told me that our aunt had died. I had to learn of Aunty's death from a nurse long after the funeral. I know my aunt would have wanted me there.

Abby, I could never do such a thing to anyone, and I don't understand how my sister could have been so cruel as to keep this from me. Is there any justification for this? Even if my sister had a problem with my husband, our aunt loved us both, and aren't her wishes the ones that should have been respected?

I hope your answer will provide me with some understanding and help me live with the pain. -- DEVASTATED IN IOWA

DEAR DEVASTATED: Of course your aunt's wishes should have been respected. I see absolutely no justification for your sister's cruelty. If you sincerely want to resolve this injustice, ask your sister to explain her behavior. She OWES you an explanation.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single, professional woman. Last year I met a man in the laundry room of our apartment building. He seemed to be the man of my dreams. He asked me if I was married. I'm not, and he isn't either. To make a long story short, we got involved.

He has been married four times and has 10 children, seven of whom are grown and gone. He told me he wanted to be a minister, but his behavior is far from what one would expect from a minister.

He has been divorced from his last wife for eight years, but talks about her constantly. And he spends quite a bit of time with another ex-wife who is the mother of three of his children.

I have been a faithful friend. We go to the movies or out to dinner when he has time, but he has never made an effort to take me away for a weekend.

Abby, he told me he had talked to a married woman in our complex about going fishing with him. I told him I thought that was inappropriate. He also mentioned that he was considering going away to meet a 25-year-old female friend. I know he gives his phone number to every woman he meets.

How can he say he cares for me when he acts this way toward so many women? I am in love with him, but I find his behavior appalling and I'm not happy. I keep hanging on because no one else has entered my life.

Do you think this man is worth hanging onto as a potential mate? -- FRUSTRATED IN MELVILLE

DEAR FRUSTRATED: This man deserves points for honesty. He has made it clear that he's not interested in a permanent relationship. As a potential mate, he is not worth hanging onto.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your recent column about the Great American Smokeout prompts this letter. You may have helped save my life -- or, if not my life, certainly the quality of my life.

During the Great American Smokeout back in 1985, you encouraged those who had quit for 10 days to write to you. I did, and you responded with a personal note of support and encouragement. I have not smoked since.

A few weeks ago, I was refilling my lawnmower gas tank at a nearby mini-mart and noticed four teen-agers, two boys and two girls, leaning against a car, puffing away.

After I paid for the gas, I approached them and said, "You don't know me and I don't know you, but guess my age."

The guesses ranged from 55 to 65. I said, "I'm 72, and I will play three sets of tennis tomorrow and 18 holes of golf the next day. I have a very good friend who is also 72. He is in the hospital on oxygen.

"I quit smoking. He didn't. Think it over."

My friend may not be dead, but his quality of life -- and that of his wife -- sure is.

It's hard to conceive of age 72 when you're 16, but if just one of those kids got the message and quits smoking, then I will have in part repaid you for your support and encouragement 12 years ago. Thank you, Abby. -- GLAD I QUIT, PENNSYLVANIA READER

DEAR GLAD: Thank YOU; your letter made my day! Your efforts to raise the consciousness of young people about the dangers of tobacco are commendable.

Even with all the publicity that has been generated about the addictiveness and health hazards posed by tobacco, smoking remains seductive to an alarming number of people. Therefore, as the glamorization of cigar smoking increases and becomes a more acceptable vice, I'd like to take the opportunity to emphasize the health hazards associated with this trend.

Cigars have taken on an air of sophistication because of the marketing of Cigar Aficionado magazine, cigar nights at invitation-only dinners, celebrity promotion and endorsements, etc. Growing numbers of women are also participating in this unhealthy fad. Because cigar smoke is rarely inhaled, there is a false sense of security that cigar smoking is a safe alternative to cigarette smoking. However, according to the 1989 Surgeon General's report:

-- Cigar smokers are three times more likely to develop lung cancer than nonsmokers.

-- Cancer death rates among men who smoke cigars are 34 percent higher than among nonsmokers.

-- People who smoke cigars have four to 10 times the risk of dying from oral, laryngeal and esophageal cancers when compared to nonsmokers.

-- Exposure to secondhand cigar smoke carries the same risks as exposure to secondhand cigarette smoke.

-- Concentrations of tar and nicotine are much higher in cigars than in cigarettes.

-- The carcinogens found in cigarettes are also found in cigars.

Readers, is the desire to be "in" worth the risk? Think about it!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)