DEAR ABBY: Two months ago my youngest sister called me -- collect again -- sobbing that she felt alone and frightened in the world. She asked if we could meet for tea or if I could visit her. As a mother of twins and self-employed, I reminded her that having tea in a cafe is a luxury I cannot afford.

Last month she called me again. She wanted to spend Saturday night with us and make a pancake breakfast "for old times' sake." She told me she missed me and felt blue. (Abby, Saturday nights are reserved for my husband.)

Two weeks ago, my sister invited me to a matinee -- her treat. She tearfully informed me that she was not sleeping well (she was being treated for depression and chronic fatigue syndrome). I told her, "Working people don't go to matinees, but when you get your life together, you'll know what 'chronic-living-life-fatigue' is."

My little sister will never call again. She took her life last week.

My sister had some of the best medical help available, and I know she was ultimately responsible for her own life. But I also know that I'll never again brush her hair out of her sleepy blue eyes or trade my blouse for her mauve lipstick, or tell her she's not fat -- she's beautiful.

Most of all, I will never forgive myself for not realizing how suicidal my sister was. Perhaps this letter will prevent others from making the mistakes I made. -- LESSON LEARNED IN THE WORST OF WAYS

DEAR LESSON LEARNED: Please accept my sincere sympathy on the tragic loss of your sister. It is vital that you understand it's common for those who survive the suicide of a loved one to experience guilt, and to feel that somehow they could have prevented the tragedy.

True, agreeing to get together with your sister when she asked would have given you different memories, but in all likelihood, it would not have prevented her from taking her life. Her troubles were far deeper than a social visit could have remedied.

I urge you and anyone who is struggling to cope with the suicide of a loved one to find a support group. Any crisis center or suicide hotline can refer you to a group in your area.

Please write to me again. May God bless you -- and he will if you have faith.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I just returned from a week of hiking along the Washington coast. On our last night, we stayed at a fancy lodge to rest before returning home. My friend suggested that next year he bring his wife and we invite another couple to join us so we could rent a cabin overlooking the coast. Since I am single, that means five of us would be occupying the cabin.

My friend suggested we split the bill three ways. I said the bill should be split five ways. He became upset at my suggestion and hasn't spoken to me since we returned home.

Thinking I may have been out of line, I asked my family and close work associates how this bill should be split. My question has generated quite a debate, with only my brother and two co-workers agreeing with me. We are all waiting for your thoughts on how to split the bill -- and I will abide by your advice. -- ALAN IN MONTESANO, WASH.

DEAR ALAN: If you are on a tight budget, "take the fifth." Otherwise, assume one-third of the expense.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Can you believe it? It's Valentine's Day already! And what better time to revive my Ten Commandments of Love.

Yes, dear readers, I actually had the chutzpah to write my own Ten Commandments. But it wasn't as though I was stealing from strangers; one of my ancestors was privileged to have received them on Mount Sinai from the Lord himself -- at least that's what the Good Book says.

Originally, I wrote two sets of commandments -- one for men and one for women. Then Mandy Stillman, a lawyer from Milwaukee, pointed out that one set of commandments should apply to both men and women. She was right, of course. So how's this for a gender bender?

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF LOVE

-- Put your spouse before your mother, your father, your son and your daughter -- your mate is your lifelong companion.

-- Do not abuse your body with excessive food, tobacco, drink, or any foreign substance that goes into your arm or up your nose.

-- Remember that cleanliness is a virtue.

-- Willingly share all of your worldly goods with your mate.

-- Do not forget to say, "I love you." Even though your love may be constant, your spouse needs to hear those cherished words often.

-- Remember that the approval of your spouse is worth far more than the adoring glances of a hundred strangers, so be true to him or her, and forsake all others.

-- Permit neither your business nor your hobby to make you a stranger to your spouse. The most precious gift you can give is time.

-- Keep your home in good repair, because out of it come the joys of old age (not to mention its resale value).

-- Forgive with grace, because who among us does not need to be forgiven?

-- Honor the Lord your God every day of your life, and your children will grow up to bless you.

Today, be a sweetheart. Call someone you love and say, "I love you." (Make two or three calls; who says you can't love more than one person -- in different ways, of course.)

Go through your closets and give all those clothes that you've been saving until you lose 10 pounds to your favorite charity. Call someone who's lonely and say, "I'm thinking of yu." Or, better yet, say, "I'll be over tomorrow to take you to lunch, run some errands for you, or give you a ride."

Visit a sick friend. Say a prayer. Donate some blood. Adopt a pet. Will your eyes, your kidneys and all your usable organs to someone who can use them after you're gone. Forgive an enemy. Hug your teen-ager. Write a fan letter. Listen to a bore. Pay your doctor. Tell your parents you think they're wonderful. Spay your dog. Neuter your cat. Quit smoking. Drive carefully. If you're walking, watch where you're going.

And don't wait until next year to be a sweetheart again. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: Like "Examining Life in Ohio," I also dreamed of a soul mate after a long so-so marriage in which neither of us was fulfilled. After my husband died, I adopted a "leave the door open a crack" attitude toward every man I met. He might not be handsome, articulate or well-dressed; he might be too short, too fat or bald, but underneath might lurk the man of my dreams. Well, I finally met him!

How did we know we were soul mates? Because we never stopped talking, could read each other's minds and were comfortable with each other from the day we met.

After five months we were married. He was 69 and I was 68. We've had seven glorious years together, we are still reading each other's minds, and neither of us can shut up! -- BARBARA MILLER, EL CERRITO, CALIF.

DEAR BARBARA: Lucky you, and may it ever be thus. Your experience reminds me of an old saying, "It may take some searching, but there's a lid for every pot."

(Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away suddenly from a heart attack seven months ago. We had been married 15 years and have two children, 14 and 15. He was a very loving husband and great father. We had a wonderful life together.

A short time after his death, I began having strong feelings for his unmarried brother, "William." I always liked William, but since he is the direct opposite of my late husband, I never expected this to happen. Now I am head-over-heels in love with William.

When I confessed my feelings to him, he held me and kissed me and helped me cope with the loss of my husband, but he refuses to get any closer to me. He says he feels guilty because I was married to his brother.

I have talked to his family and mine, and most of them just want me to be happy. My children adore him. I know my dear late husband would have no objections. He loved us both and would want us to be happy.

William and I see each other about three times a week and we get along great, but he is still reluctant to touch me except to hug me goodbye when I leave. Is it wrong to pursue this? -- A.J. IN S.C.

DEAR A.J.: You are still in the process of grieving the loss of your husband, and it is understandable that you find yourself turning to his brother. However, it is seldom wise to make serious decisions during a period of mourning.

Give yourself some time. Find a grief recovery group and attend some sessions. Focus on your needs and those of your children during this difficult period. Your emotions will eventually stabilize and you will be in a better position to judge your feelings for William. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to "I've Dealt My Hand," who was upset because her husband's card parties went on until midnight. I would like to share my solution:

On the night of the card parties, instead of staying home and seething, "Dealt" should go out for dinner and a movie with women friends. Or, if she has any interests, pursue them: Join a gym, a book club, a quilting or sewing club, take a class in art or music, whatever. Or, she can take a nap before the "boys" come to play cards so that she won't miss so much sleep.

One thing I learned early in my marriage was to stop staying at home and whining because my husband wanted to do something with the guys that I wasn't interested in. "Dealt" should cultivate a life of her own, too. -- BEEN THERE IN HAYWARD, CALIF.

DEAR BEEN THERE: I agree with your practical philosophy. However, the majority of my readers were angered because the husband seemed to be forcing his will on his wife rather than being concerned with her happiness. They felt that his card game should be secondary to her comfort. Of course he should be concerned with her comfort, but she should also be willing to take a back seat to his needs occasionally.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a man who loves to travel. I especially enjoy the nightclub shows I've seen. However, I do NOT enjoy being part of the show.

A female performer (in Las Vegas) once picked me out of the audience to go on stage with her so she could sing to me. Even though I politely refused, she was very persistent and even involved the audience in coercing me to go on stage. I would have walked out, but I had paid a lot of money to see this show.

The audience enjoyed it, but I felt like a fool standing up there on the stage while she sang to me.

How do you think I should have handled this? -- EMBARRASSED IN GREENVILLE, S.C.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: You could have refused by saying emphatically, "No way; I paid to see this show, not perform in it."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)