DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our mid-70s. Until recently, we had lived in the same house for the past 40 years. We did a lot of the building and maintenance on it ourselves. It is a beautiful home where we raised seven wonderful children.

Now that we're older, we decided to move into a condominium where there is less upkeep. One of our sons had a job change that brought him back into the area, so he was delighted to purchase our house.

Before he and his wife moved in, we installed new carpeting, new wallpaper and paint, and had some of the furniture recovered -- all at our own expense. Instead of appreciating our efforts, our daughter-in-law is now in the process of repainting in a different color and is talking about changing the carpeting and drapes and getting rid of some of the furniture. We are hurt.

Every time we visit, I notice more things she has changed or gotten rid of. I know her tastes don't necessarily match my own, but I am shocked at her disregard for my feelings and the amount of money she is wasting.

Would you please comment? -- DISGRUNTLED GRANDMA

DEAR DISGRUNTLED: I understand that it is difficult for you to see your cherished home changed, but your son and daughter-in-law are now the rightful owners. It is only natural for them to want to make this nest "their own" by implementing their interior decorating ideas. It is a tribute to you that they chose your home to purchase. Let them enjoy it.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Young Reader," who would like a new bike but is too young to get a job. Two examples come to mind:

When I was 12 years old, I, too, wanted a bike. I stood out in front of a bowling alley in Point Pleasant, N.J., and I asked every woman who went by with a baby if she needed a baby sitter. I got a full-time job for the summer taking care of a Navy couple's son. It worked out so well they hired me again the following summer. That was more than 50 years ago, and buying that bike meant more to me than the car I could finance when I grew older.

One Memorial Day weekend during the 1980s, I wondered what the youngsters in town would be doing. My two daughters were in their teens, too young for regular jobs. So I formed "Pat Diana's Summer Employment Program for Teens." It matched younger children with senior citizens on a fixed income. Garages and kitchen cupboards could be cleaned, dogs walked -- you name it. I involved every organization in town -- the Kiwanis, women's clubs, etc. Each sent one member to a meeting to learn what we would do. Our library offered their meeting room for our volunteers who met with the children seeking work to find the proper job for them.

American Legion Post 105 (Belleville, N.J.) allowed us to use their premises each weekend to wash cars. The veterans would come in on a Saturday to watch a ball game, give us the keys, and we moved their cars through quickly. It was a time of great fun and of learning responsibility.

If I were sitting at your desk today, I'd tell "Young Reader in Norfolk, Va." to reach out and find those who need help. There must be several organizations in Norfolk that could promote this idea. -- PATRICIA M. DIANA, SOUTH AMBOY, N.J.

DEAR PATRICIA: Thanks for an upper of a letter -- and one that I hope will get parents of eager adolescents everywhere thinking about how they can provide a similar experience for the youngsters in their communities. Having a job is a great confidence-builder at any age.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a compulsive overeater. After years of struggle, I have found relief in Overeaters Anonymous. On Jan. 23, I celebrated one year of abstinence.

Having just gone through my first holiday season without using food to medicate my feelings, I'm acutely aware of the many ways well-meaning friends and relatives made things more difficult. I was presented with several gifts of home-baked sweets. The givers acknowledged my eating problems by saying, "I know you can't have any of this, but ..."

Abby, I know I am responsible for what I eat and I can depend on my Higher Power to help me through unavoidable temptations. But if my family and friends really understood that giving certain foods to a compulsive overeater is like handing a bottle of liquor to an alcoholic, maybe they would be more careful about what they choose to give. A meaningful card would have been much more appreciated.

I assume that some of them gave sweets because they feel sorry for my kids or husband. My family is free to have sweets away from home, and they do occasionally. Actually, they have all commented how little they miss sweets -- they're much happier with their new, healthier, happier mom and wife than they were with me when sweets were readily available.

I have learned to consume most foods in moderation, but based on my past experience, I know there are certain foods I simply cannot touch. Sweet foods happen to be my personal binge foods. To eat just one bite could lead to a relapse. I am not willing to take that risk, and I'm sure that others who care about me wouldn't want me to.

Abby, I was able to move those "treats" out of the house quickly, but I wish my friends and family would do me a favor by selecting nonedible gifts. -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS IN ARIZONA

DEAR THANKS BUT NO THANKS: Whatever the motive of the friends and relatives who presented you with gifts of home-baked sweets over the holidays, the term for it is "sabotage." And you are correct in your assessment that it's on a par with offering a drink to an alcoholic -- or a cigarette to someone who has recently quit smoking.

Now you know that when you're in the company of these people, you will have to be on guard. I wish you the best of luck with your program. You're on the right track, and I congratulate you.

Readers, if you need Overeaters Anonymous, look in your telephone directory, or for general information and meeting locations, send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope to: OA World Service Office, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, N.M. 87174-4020.

DEAR ABBY: On the last leg of a 6,100-mile trip out west, my husband and I stopped for breakfast at a restaurant in Kentucky.

Instead of presenting us with our check, the waitress said our bill had been taken care of -- but she was not to tell us by whom.

What a nice gesture, but why us? -- PUZZLED AND THANKFUL IN CINCY

P.S. The only explanation we can think of is that someone must have overheard my husband say to me, "How are we going to pay for this?" -- meaning cash or credit card.

DEAR PUZZLED: Perhaps it was your lucky day. Enjoy the warm memory.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You asked readers to respond to "Lonely in New Mexico," who retired to a new community and regrets how it turned out.

Our accountant advised us to rent first in the area to which we were contemplating moving. He had seen too many cases of people buying new homes, finding they were unhappy and returning to their original communities. We followed his advice and lucked out. We rented a nice ranch-style house, shopped in the market, visited our landlord's church and were accepted. It grew from there. Six months later, we bought a lot and started construction. A year later we had an open house with 62 guests -- mostly church members and neighbors. -- 30-YEAR-PLUS READER

DEAR READER: You received wise counsel from your accountant. My mail has been filled with suggestions for "Lonely in New Mexico." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Lonely in New Mexico" can enjoy a host of new friends by taking square dance lessons. It's amazing how many nice folks they'll meet that way.

The local Chamber of Commerce can help people locate a club that offers lessons, and so can the senior citizen center or even the western clothing store. The lessons are fun, economical, and a guaranteed route to establishing some deep and lasting friendships with some of the finest people they'll ever know. The best new square dance club members come as retired couples looking for a little fun and a healthful, wholesome activity. I dare anyone to take a few square dance lessons and remain lonely. -- JERRY C. MCGREW, M.D., GARLAND, TEXAS

DEAR DR. MCGREW: I know that's good advice. It's an excellent way for people of every age to socialize. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Lonely in New Mexico." My husband and I moved to Florida 3 1/2 years ago. We don't miss the snow and ice we left behind one bit. Yes, it's hard to pick up and move to a new area where you know no one. The key is to get out there and meet as many new people as you can. Don't just sit at home or in church and wait for people to invite you over.

Within three months of moving, I volunteered to be on the Welcoming Committee to welcome other newcomers to our area. My husband (a retired police major) volunteered to take over the Neighborhood Watch program. I joined the garden club and have been their treasurer for three years.

I also joined a volunteer group that raises money to send good, used children's clothes, blankets and sweaters for the elderly to Native Americans on reservations. Last year I packed and shipped more than 200 boxes. I'm secretary for our homeowners association, and my husband and I volunteer at our neighborhood police substation to free our police officers for more important work out on the street.

Busy? You bet. We're busier now than we were before we retired. We love it. I've met many interesting and dedicated people, and we have many new friends with whom to socialize, travel, play poker and pinochle, and attend the theater as well. -- VOLUNTEER FROM VERO

DEAR VOLUNTEER: Talk about food for thought -- your letter is a banquet of terrific suggestions about how to get involved. May I add the following: Don't expect to replace lifelong friends in six months or a year. Seek out other new arrivals who will identify with you, and if there isn't a special-interest club in your new community that features your hobby, consider placing an ad in the paper and starting one.

Thank you to all the kindhearted readers who took the time to share their experiences and offer suggestions.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)