DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, I moved in with a man I love very much. (I'll call him Carl.) Four months later, his twin sister came for a visit. It was then that I learned that Carl was married, and had two children from another marriage 12 years before that one. I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know about him, and he said there wasn't.

I worked through my feelings of betrayal, and Carl obtained a divorce. We married a year later.

This New Year's Eve, another sister came to visit. As she reminisced about the family, another child from my husband's past was revealed. Abby, I had given Carl every opportunity to clean the slate years before, so I became angry. I felt betrayed again.

Both his sister and I have explained to Carl the importance of sharing one's past with a spouse. Behavior and attitudes are formed by past events, and it's difficult to understand why people think and behave the way they do without that history. Carl totally disagrees. He insists that love between two people is enough to build a future. He refuses counseling.

Am I wrong to insist that my husband face his past? I am afraid there are more secrets that will shake our foundation, although he assures me there are no more. -- ANXIOUS IN ARIZONA

DEAR ANXIOUS: Since your husband has deceived you and misrepresented himself, I don't blame you for being fearful that there may be other skeletons in his closet.

While I agree with him that love and trust are enough of a basis on which to build a future, he has shown himself to be unworthy of the trust he's expecting you to place in him. Counseling might help him form healthier living patterns -- but if he doesn't want it, it would be time and money wasted.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, my husband adopted a son I had by a former marriage. (I'll call the boy Ben.) He is the only father Ben has ever known. We have other children together.

Most of my husband's family refuses to accept Ben as part of their family. They do not consider him to be one of the grandchildren or one of the cousins. My husband's mother tries to treat the children equally, but the aunts and uncles have never given Ben a birthday present and never include him when making references to the cousins.

This past Christmas, the family had the children exchange names. The relatives who drew Ben's name didn't bring him a present. (They did, however, take the present we had bought for their child.) They brought a gift for another child on the list, but when I asked them about a present for Ben, they said they had "forgotten" it and walked away.

My husband doesn't like the way his family treats Ben, but says he can't control them. He says he cannot tell his relatives they must give presents to our son. I want to tell his family that if they don't treat all our children equally, we would prefer to stop exchanging gifts. My husband says if I speak up, it will only start a family feud and hurt our other children.

Abby, this situation really hurts. Ben has mentioned that he knows his father's family doesn't accept him. My husband and I have had many arguments over this. I read your column often and have never seen this issue addressed. I would think this is a common problem among blended families these days. What is your advice? -- ALICE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ALICE: Your husband's family is being deliberately cruel, which is inexcusable. If your husband won't assume the responsibility, you have every right to tell them: "We are a family. Give equally to all the children, or we won't exchange gifts at all."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A year ago my son, "Jeff," married "Sue," a woman with three young children. They were living in a small apartment in an undesirable neighborhood, so I agreed to co-sign on a loan so they could buy a house in which to rear the children. The one they chose is 70 miles from me.

Abby, I have gone to see them only four times in the last 12 months. I make it a point to let them know the day before I am coming. The last time I went, Jeff refused to let me in. I heard Sue in the background yelling for him to tell me they had to go somewhere. Once he made the excuse that the house was untidy. Abby, I wasn't there to inspect the house. I just wanted to see them.

Sue doesn't appear to want any of our family to visit. Two of his uncles traveled 900 miles to see us and other relatives, but when they went to see Jeff, Sue took off with the kids. His uncles didn't even have the chance to meet her or the children.

They have visited me several times this year, without letting me know in advance that they were coming. That's OK with me; they're welcome any time.

I always treat Sue with respect and prepare dinner for them, although Sue never prepares anything for me when I'm there -- not even a cup of coffee.

Abby, Jeff is my only child, and we've always been close. Should I not go to visit my son because Sue is inconvenienced by my visits? Please advise me. -- UNWELCOME MOM IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNWELCOME MOM: It's time for you to have a private chat with your son, and when you do, ask him to please lay his cards on the table.

In the future, when you're planning to visit, make the arrangements with your daughter-in-law. That way, there should be no last-minute surprises.

DEAR ABBY: I have good news for the waitress who told you she had to give up on a college degree because "working full time and attending school was very hard. The hours were killing me."

In 1972, the state of New Jersey created a college for busy adults just like her: Thomas Edison State College. No matter where she lives, this woman can earn credit for what she already knows and take courses at home. The college is fully accredited, high quality and very affordable. There is no other college exclusively for adults throughout the United States and for military personnel around the world.

Abby, please let your readers know that there is no reason to give up on a college degree. No matter what the obstacles, we can help.

Please have your readers write to me for information about this unique, nonprofit college created just for them. The address is Thomas Edison State College, Admissions Office, 101 W. State St., Trenton, N.J. 08608-1176. I will personally send them a free booklet that explains how they can complete a degree at their own pace, in their own space, at a cost they can afford. The e-mail address is: admissions@call.tesc.edu. -- LINDA HOLT, ASSOCIATE VICE PRESIDENT, COLLEGE RELATIONS

DEAR MS. HOLT: Thank you for the information on what Thomas Edison State College has to offer. I am impressed that you have been helping students better themselves for a quarter century, and pleased to spread the word about your programs. Be prepared for lots of mail -- e-mail and otherwise!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law is a wonderful woman who has a severe weight problem. She's 50 years old and has no bad habits except for eating. She refuses to discuss diets and gets very upset when the subject is broached. She's beginning to experience signs of deteriorating health -- shortness of breath, chest tightness, extreme redness in her face when she's warm or upset, and she has painful back and knee problems. She has fallen down stairs because she was unable to see the steps.

Abby, she refuses to see a doctor, my brother tells me, because she knows a doctor will confront her about her weight. I suggested she should at least have her blood pressure taken at the local pharmacy. She ignores me.

I believe she needs psychological care. I can't bear to lose her, and I fear that she will die soon if she doesn't try to help herself. -- SCARED FOR MY SISTER-IN-LAW, IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR SCARED: Although some people use food the way junkies and alcoholics use drugs and alcohol, I know of no intervention program for people with life-threatening weight problems. Indeed, she may need psychological help in order to win her battle. However, unless she is willing to admit that she has a problem and takes steps to overcome it, there is nothing you or anyone else can do for her. She has my deepest sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: You asked for reader's input for the woman who had told her husband she had shared a bed with a male friend without "anything happening." Her husband, influenced by some buddies, didn't believe her.

I could write about the early American custom of "bundling," or point out that in many cultures families and guests share sleeping accommodations -- but that's really irrelevant to the main problem. Namely, the woman's husband believes his buddies and doubts his wife. I'd say THAT is a very serious problem.

This husband is judging something that happened not only before their marriage, but before they were even introduced. I can't help but wonder why the husband even told that story to his buddies, but the real question here is whom should he believe -- his wife or his buddies?

That woman's position should be: "Believe me, or call me a liar. If you believe me, then we need to see a marriage counselor about why you didn't trust me. And if you think I'm a liar, then we need to see a divorce lawyer." -- A MALE READER FROM OXNARD, CALIF.

DEAR MALE READER: Thank you for taking the time to share a masculine point of view. It reminds me of a quotation I've known for many years: "A woman's virtue is like a fine painting. Once it's questioned, it's never quite the same."

DEAR ABBY: I think you should know how influential your column is.

I read the personals ads in magazines on a regular basis. Until recently, I'd spot an ad placed by a single woman who likes to fish only on rare occasions. Since the recent letter you printed suggesting that fishing might be a great way to meet an eligible man, almost every woman in the singles listings I've read has suddenly become a "fisherman." I hope I get the chance to meet some of these "anglers" while I'm out fishing this year! -- BILL GLATFELTER, MANCHESTER, N.H.

DEAR BILL: If you're eligible, I hope so, too. A successful advertisement of any kind needs a "hook" -- and something tells me the bait and tackle shops will be busy this spring. Although not everyone will catch a trophy, I'm hoping a good time will be had in the attempt.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.