DEAR ABBY: You and "Concerned Mom in Indiana" were dead right about parents who jeer and bully children in sports contests. Children's sports are about participation, sportsmanship, character development and other healthy habits that last a lifetime. It's inexcusable to jeer or berate sixth-graders on a basketball court. Had the parents and coaches spent more time in their YMCA, they would certainly have learned that.

YMCAs, which last year helped more than 7 million children learn about sports and sportsmanship, support a code for spectators that many adults would do well to heed:

YMCA SPECTATOR'S CODE

(1) Remember that children play organized sports for their own fun. They are not there to entertain you, and they are not miniature pro athletes.

(2) Be on your best behavior. Don't use profane language or harass players, coaches or officials.

(3) Applaud good plays by your own team AND the visiting team.

(4) Show respect for your team's opponents. Without them there would be no games.

(5) Never ridicule or scold a child for making a mistake during a competition.

(6) Condemn the use of violence in all forms.

(7) Respect the officials' decisions.

(8) Encourage players to always play according to the rules.

Abby, professional athletes are not always good role models for our children, but the good sportsmanship and healthy lifestyles gained in our country's gymnasiums and on its courts and playing fields can make our children good role models for each other, for us, and for future generations. But first, adults have to let them play and send them the right messages. -- DAVID R. MERCER, NATIONAL EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, YMCA OF THE USA

DEAR DAVID: I'm sure that many readers -- not to mention athletic coaches -- will thank you for sharing the YMCA's Spectator's Code. Put into action, it provides a healthy atmosphere for children to build not only athletic skills, but life skills as well.

I agree that children model their behavior after the adults who care for them, and they often learn more from what they observe than what they are told. That's why it's important for all adults -- not just sports heroes -- to set a good example.

DEAR ABBY: We have a problem. We just heard from some old friends we haven't seen in a while. They are coming for a visit and plan to stay at our home. They told us their arrival date, but didn't mention when they plan to leave.

I am having a disagreement with my husband over this. I say it is OK to ask our friends how long they plan to stay. He insists that it would be in poor taste to do so.

Who's right? -- UNSURE IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR UNSURE: There is nothing wrong with asking guests how long they plan to stay. A hostess needs that information in order to stock the refrigerator.

If their answer is "indefinitely," then I'd say you have a problem.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Frustrated in Denver," I felt compelled to reply. The argument between the husband and wife centered around how to correctly wash flatware (spoons, forks, knives, etc.) in an automatic dishwasher. The husband insists the business end should face up, with the handles facing the bottom of the basket. The wife insists the opposite.

You told the wife, "Your husband is wrong." The fact is, Abby, you are wrong. I have a degree in food service administration and have worked in the field for 20 years. I can assure you that the states in which I have worked (New York, Texas and Virginia) have public health codes that require all food service establishments to wash soiled flatware as described by the husband in Denver.

By placing the "business end" of the utensil up, you get much cleaner flatware. My wife was skeptical until she proved it in our dishwasher at home. -- G.M. GASPER, SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR G.M.: The face with the egg on it is mine. I apologize for judging the poor husband harshly. However, according to the instruction manual for many dishwashers, my answer was half right. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You recently advised a couple that flatware should be placed with the handles up in the dishwasher.

The instruction guide for our new dishwasher says:

"Place items in the basket with some handles up and some down. This prevents them from nesting together and improves cleaning results. Knives or sharp, pointed items should be placed in the basket with the handles up." -- DIANA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DIANA: Thank you for your support. I needed it! The number of food service professionals who disagreed with my answer was disconcerting. On the bright side -- it's nice to know that so many of them read my column.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time you print a letter about overcoming shyness. I would like to share some wonderful advice my mother gave me many years ago.

As a teen-ager, I was desperately shy and dreaded school parties and dances. One day my mother said to me, "You know, dear, being shy is really being selfish. You are spending too much time thinking, 'What kind of impression am I making? Am I saying the right thing? Do I fit in?' The next time you go to a party, instead of thinking about yourself, look for someone else who seems shy and make an effort to talk to that person."

It worked. However, my life didn't change overnight, and there are still times when I walk into a roomful of people and my heart pounds. But now instead of standing alone, I reach out to someone who is also alone. I've made some wonderful friends that way -- and I overcame my shyness. -- ROBIN SKONE-PALMER, LAS VEGAS

DEAR ROBIN: Your mother was not only wise, she had keen insight. I suspect she understood your shyness so well because she had experienced the same feelings in her youth. My compliments for sharing her wise counsel. I'm sure it will go a long way in resolving the problem for many people.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old female college student, and it saddens me to see what a big problem drugs and alcohol have become to the youth of today.

Seven years ago when I was 11, I, too, wanted to get high once, "just to see what it was like." Well, four years and one arrest, a long-term psychiatric hospitalization and $30,000 later, I finally admitted that I had a serious problem -- not to mention the pain and grief I caused my family.

I never intended to become an addict. Nobody does. I just wanted to try it because all the "cool" people did drugs, and I wanted to be "cool," too.

It has been three years since I've touched any drug, but it's still a daily struggle. I was very lucky to have received help. By the time I turned 15, I weighed 85 pounds and had more cocaine, methamphetamine, marijuana and alcohol in my blood than any human body should have been able to tolerate. Because of drugs, I have also had to bury three friends I used to "party" with.

Today, I'm doing wonderful things with my life and am proud of my accomplishments. Abby, if just one person who reads this will stop and think about what experimenting with drugs did to me, then everything I've been through will not have been in vain. -- OLDER, WISER AND CLEAN

DEAR OLDER, WISER AND CLEAN: I hope that other teens will take your painful and hard-earned lesson to heart. Nothing teaches as effectively as the voice of experience.

DEAR ABBY: Last summer I had a life-changing experience. I was watching a television program that featured a segment on obsessive-compulsive disorder. I didn't pay much attention until I heard a list of symptoms that characterize OCD.

I stopped dead in my tracks as I heard every detail of my own bizarre behavior (behavior I had hidden for years) described. After doing some research at my local library, I discovered that I, like millions of others, was not insane but suffering from a very common disorder. OCD is characterized by recurrent, unwanted and unpleasant thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive, ritualistic behaviors the person feels driven to perform (compulsions). Typical obsessions are dirt, germs and contamination; inordinate concern with order, arrangement or symmetry; inability to discard useless or worn-out items, etc. Typical compulsions include excessive washing (particularly hand washing or bathing); and repetitive actions such as counting, arranging and ordering or hoarding.

After seeing a psychiatrist, I was prescribed medication and started behavioral therapy. I now feel normal for the first time in my life. Please, Abby, publish the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, not only to increase awareness for those who are suffering and don't know why, but also for people who are close to someone who is suffering. People with OCD hide their behavior well. This disorder is still very much in the closet. -- BETTER IN BOSTON

DEAR BETTER: A recent Oscar-winning movie, "As Good As It Gets," was brought to my attention by The Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation, a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the welfare of people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. The movie tells the story of a successful writer (played by Jack Nicholson) who is struggling with OCD. With as much publicity as the film is receiving, obsessive-compulsive disorder may gain new understanding from the general public.

The Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation can be reached by writing to P.O. Box 70, Milford, Conn. 06460-0070; e-mail: ocfinfo@juno.com.

CONFIDENTIAL TO JEANNE: Happy birthday, my precious firstborn.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)