DEAR ABBY: I seem to be having a communication problem.

I became a widow a year ago. I have two sons, a daughter and three grandsons. They are very good to me. They take me out to dinner often and will buy me anything I say I need.

However, what I really need is help around the house -- someone to mow my lawn, trim the shrubs and trees, paint, etc. I can't do these things myself. I am 72 years old, and having to pay for this kind of help doesn't leave much for extras.

It's a shame, Abby. Here I am with two sons, a son-in-law and three grandsons -- and no help. Please don't use my name. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I just want to be heard. -- NO HELP

DEAR NO HELP: Here's your letter. You should be more specific about your needs. Offer to prepare lunch in exchange for a day of work around your home, then be effusive with your appreciation. Here's hoping that after this runs, you (and others who are in the same boat) won't have to send out a cry for help.

DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but "Josie," my daughter-in-law, does something that really bothers me. She frequently tells "Sammy," her 3-year-old, to "shut up." That phrase seems so ugly.

I am afraid it will undermine my grandson's self-confidence. Children should be made to feel they are important and loved, and that what they have to say is of interest to adults. They need to be supported. I also think Josie should be more consistent with her discipline. How is Sammy to know if Mommy means it this time when last time she threatened but never acted on her words?

Abby, how can I get my daughter-in-law to quit telling her darling little boy to shut up without coming off as critical and interfering? -- MRS. X IN BANGOR, MAINE

DEAR MRS. X: Explain your fears to your son, and offer some alternative phrases for "shut up." Until your daughter-in-law is willing to make a change, there's nothing you can do to force her. All you can do is lavish your grandson with a double dose of love and support.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful, unselfish man who was willing to take my last name at the altar instead of my assuming his. The reason for his decision was that his family had other sons to continue their family name; mine is a family of daughters.

In order for him to assume my last name legally, we have been told he will have to go to court and request the name change. Isn't this discrimination? From the time a woman marries, she can begin signing her new last name without legally changing it.

Can't a husband assume his wife's last name without going to court? And, do I call myself "Mrs." even if I keep my maiden name? -- CONFUSED IN CANADA

DEAR CONFUSED: Your husband may call himself whatever he chooses, but the prudent thing to do with a last-name change is to discuss it with a lawyer.

And yes, now that you are married you may call yourself "Mrs. John Jones" -- your husband's new last name -- regardless of the fact that you were a Jones before the marriage.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You and "Concerned Mom in Indiana" were dead right about parents who jeer and bully children in sports contests. Children's sports are about participation, sportsmanship, character development and other healthy habits that last a lifetime. It's inexcusable to jeer or berate sixth-graders on a basketball court. Had the parents and coaches spent more time in their YMCA, they would certainly have learned that.

YMCAs, which last year helped more than 7 million children learn about sports and sportsmanship, support a code for spectators that many adults would do well to heed:

YMCA SPECTATOR'S CODE

(1) Remember that children play organized sports for their own fun. They are not there to entertain you, and they are not miniature pro athletes.

(2) Be on your best behavior. Don't use profane language or harass players, coaches or officials.

(3) Applaud good plays by your own team AND the visiting team.

(4) Show respect for your team's opponents. Without them there would be no games.

(5) Never ridicule or scold a child for making a mistake during a competition.

(6) Condemn the use of violence in all forms.

(7) Respect the officials' decisions.

(8) Encourage players to always play according to the rules.

Abby, professional athletes are not always good role models for our children, but the good sportsmanship and healthy lifestyles gained in our country's gymnasiums and on its courts and playing fields can make our children good role models for each other, for us, and for future generations. But first, adults have to let them play and send them the right messages. -- DAVID R. MERCER, NATIONAL EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, YMCA OF THE USA

DEAR DAVID: I'm sure that many readers -- not to mention athletic coaches -- will thank you for sharing the YMCA's Spectator's Code. Put into action, it provides a healthy atmosphere for children to build not only athletic skills, but life skills as well.

I agree that children model their behavior after the adults who care for them, and they often learn more from what they observe than what they are told. That's why it's important for all adults -- not just sports heroes -- to set a good example.

DEAR ABBY: We have a problem. We just heard from some old friends we haven't seen in a while. They are coming for a visit and plan to stay at our home. They told us their arrival date, but didn't mention when they plan to leave.

I am having a disagreement with my husband over this. I say it is OK to ask our friends how long they plan to stay. He insists that it would be in poor taste to do so.

Who's right? -- UNSURE IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR UNSURE: There is nothing wrong with asking guests how long they plan to stay. A hostess needs that information in order to stock the refrigerator.

If their answer is "indefinitely," then I'd say you have a problem.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Frustrated in Denver," I felt compelled to reply. The argument between the husband and wife centered around how to correctly wash flatware (spoons, forks, knives, etc.) in an automatic dishwasher. The husband insists the business end should face up, with the handles facing the bottom of the basket. The wife insists the opposite.

You told the wife, "Your husband is wrong." The fact is, Abby, you are wrong. I have a degree in food service administration and have worked in the field for 20 years. I can assure you that the states in which I have worked (New York, Texas and Virginia) have public health codes that require all food service establishments to wash soiled flatware as described by the husband in Denver.

By placing the "business end" of the utensil up, you get much cleaner flatware. My wife was skeptical until she proved it in our dishwasher at home. -- G.M. GASPER, SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR G.M.: The face with the egg on it is mine. I apologize for judging the poor husband harshly. However, according to the instruction manual for many dishwashers, my answer was half right. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You recently advised a couple that flatware should be placed with the handles up in the dishwasher.

The instruction guide for our new dishwasher says:

"Place items in the basket with some handles up and some down. This prevents them from nesting together and improves cleaning results. Knives or sharp, pointed items should be placed in the basket with the handles up." -- DIANA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DIANA: Thank you for your support. I needed it! The number of food service professionals who disagreed with my answer was disconcerting. On the bright side -- it's nice to know that so many of them read my column.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time you print a letter about overcoming shyness. I would like to share some wonderful advice my mother gave me many years ago.

As a teen-ager, I was desperately shy and dreaded school parties and dances. One day my mother said to me, "You know, dear, being shy is really being selfish. You are spending too much time thinking, 'What kind of impression am I making? Am I saying the right thing? Do I fit in?' The next time you go to a party, instead of thinking about yourself, look for someone else who seems shy and make an effort to talk to that person."

It worked. However, my life didn't change overnight, and there are still times when I walk into a roomful of people and my heart pounds. But now instead of standing alone, I reach out to someone who is also alone. I've made some wonderful friends that way -- and I overcame my shyness. -- ROBIN SKONE-PALMER, LAS VEGAS

DEAR ROBIN: Your mother was not only wise, she had keen insight. I suspect she understood your shyness so well because she had experienced the same feelings in her youth. My compliments for sharing her wise counsel. I'm sure it will go a long way in resolving the problem for many people.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)