DEAR ABBY: You are my last hope. I grew up in a very abusive family. Every day was a nightmare. I remember saying as a child that I would never hit my children.

My worst fears have come true. I abuse my 5-year-old son. I try not to. He means everything to me. I love my son so much and don't want to hurt him, but I can't seem to help myself.

I pray every day for help and for forgiveness. I turned out exactly like my parents. I'm desperate and full of guilt. Abby, how can I stop abusing my precious son? I'm a single mom and can't afford a counselor. -- DESPERATE IN TEXAS

DEAR DESPERATE: The fact that you're asking for help tells me you did not turn out exactly like your parents. Many parents feel as you do, but few have the courage to admit it.

When you feel like lashing out at your son, remember to get hold of yourself before you take hold of your child. Stop in your tracks and turn away from him. Put your hands over your mouth and count to 20, or splash cold water on your face. Close your eyes and imagine that you are feeling exactly what your son is feeling. Pick up the phone and call someone -– anyone -– even if it is the prerecorded weather.

The National Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse is a non-profit organization that has support groups for parents like you who are frightened by their own violent behavior. To find a group in your area, write NCPCA, P.O. Box 2866, Chicago, Ill. 60690, or phone 1-800-556-2722.

Please write again in six months and let me know how you are and how to reach you. I care.

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to the letter from "Eileen Drew, Melbourne, Fla.," whose husband wears a safety helmet while using his riding lawnmower.

You took it a step further, saying roofers, pool men and all workers with any risk of head injury should wear helmets.

All well and good, Abby, but I think you should have gone even further. There are many hazards around the home and in recreational pursuits from which we all need protection.

For example, take the shower: Do you realize how many people are injured by falling while showering? I have taken to wearing a safety helmet while in the shower, just in case I should slip and fall. You may be wondering how I wash my hair. I'm in the process of solving that by hanging the harness of a WWI parachute from the shower ceiling. From this I will be suspended, in order to avoid falling while my helmet is removed for shampooing.

I love to swim, but I fear that I may strike my head while diving, so I also wear a helmet while swimming. I get lots of funny looks, but that's OK; I'm safe and those other guys are not!

Another hazard I've recently been made aware of is hitting my head on the nightstand should I fall out of bed at night. Also, at my age, I have to get up frequently during the night to use the bathroom; what if I should trip and fall in the darkened room? To avoid these hazards, I wear my safety helmet to bed.

I am currently working on an invention that will provide ultimate safety to everyone, everywhere, 24 hours a day: FULL BODY ARMOR. The air-conditioning unit for summertime wear has me baffled right now, but I've resolved to keep working on it.

In the meantime, next month when we go to Hawaii, it is my intention to see to it that every person walking on Waikiki beach wears a safety helmet. I know I'll be wearing mine. -- NORM TOTEY, EVERETT, WASH.

DEAR NORM: Enough, already. You win!

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You were way off the mark in your response to "Boss's Wife in Texas," who discovered that her husband's employees were making and receiving personal phone calls at work.

These days it's very difficult to find and retain competent people. The wise employer knows that people do have lives, and those lives do not always neatly compartmentalize into eight-hour blocks.

While some jobs, such as production-line workers, require 100 percent attention at every moment, most jobs simply require that a certain number of tasks be performed well and delivered on time. If workers can accomplish that, there is no reason why they can't be granted some slack to make phone calls, run errands, take extended lunches and work a flexible shift.

Many companies are restructuring their requirements so that productivity is the only thing that counts. Telecommuting, flex-time and other freedoms that were not dreamed of 30 years ago are now encouraged.

As we approach the millennium, companies now have a choice: Be inflexible and autocratic and pay the price in turnover and retraining costs, or structure their needs in such a way as to make the workers feel that they still control their lives. When I managed a graphics shop in the late '80s, I did this and had to fire only one employee for poor performance. Our turnover rate was far below the industry standard. -- NOW SELF-EMPLOYED, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR SELF-EMPLOYED: It will come as no surprise to anyone that I received a barrage of mail from people who thought my answer was wrong. (Only a few readers supported my answer.) Read on for some comments from a personnel specialist:

DEAR ABBY: As a supervisor in a large personnel office for 29 years, I have concluded that employees work much better when they can at least partially settle their personal problems by phone. After all, many of those with whom they are communicating work the same hours the employees do.

Working parents often ask their children to check in with them after school. It usually takes only a few minutes. Sometimes spouses must communicate with each other to determine the schedule for the day.

I agree, personal problems should be left at home -- but sometimes a phone call can avert a personal problem that could result in lost work time. Like it or not, employees do have lives outside the office and details to take care of.

Usually, other employees in the office will not allow a slacker to take advantage. When someone abuses the privileges to the point that it's unethical or hurting his or her work, management usually hears about it from more than one person.

The workplace should be an area of give-and-take for both employees and employers. If employees have a boss like mine, they will work twice as hard once they hang up the phone, not only because of the boss's understanding, but because they have solved their problem and can then focus completely on their work. -- VOICE OF EXPERIENCE, SAN ANTONIO

DEAR VOICE OF EXPERIENCE: I bow to your many years of expertise in employee relations. When I said that making calls on company time was a form of theft, I was referring to employees who make frequent, lengthy and often distracting phone calls. It was not intended to chastise employees who do not abuse telephone privileges.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I seem to be having a communication problem.

I became a widow a year ago. I have two sons, a daughter and three grandsons. They are very good to me. They take me out to dinner often and will buy me anything I say I need.

However, what I really need is help around the house -- someone to mow my lawn, trim the shrubs and trees, paint, etc. I can't do these things myself. I am 72 years old, and having to pay for this kind of help doesn't leave much for extras.

It's a shame, Abby. Here I am with two sons, a son-in-law and three grandsons -- and no help. Please don't use my name. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I just want to be heard. -- NO HELP

DEAR NO HELP: Here's your letter. You should be more specific about your needs. Offer to prepare lunch in exchange for a day of work around your home, then be effusive with your appreciation. Here's hoping that after this runs, you (and others who are in the same boat) won't have to send out a cry for help.

DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but "Josie," my daughter-in-law, does something that really bothers me. She frequently tells "Sammy," her 3-year-old, to "shut up." That phrase seems so ugly.

I am afraid it will undermine my grandson's self-confidence. Children should be made to feel they are important and loved, and that what they have to say is of interest to adults. They need to be supported. I also think Josie should be more consistent with her discipline. How is Sammy to know if Mommy means it this time when last time she threatened but never acted on her words?

Abby, how can I get my daughter-in-law to quit telling her darling little boy to shut up without coming off as critical and interfering? -- MRS. X IN BANGOR, MAINE

DEAR MRS. X: Explain your fears to your son, and offer some alternative phrases for "shut up." Until your daughter-in-law is willing to make a change, there's nothing you can do to force her. All you can do is lavish your grandson with a double dose of love and support.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful, unselfish man who was willing to take my last name at the altar instead of my assuming his. The reason for his decision was that his family had other sons to continue their family name; mine is a family of daughters.

In order for him to assume my last name legally, we have been told he will have to go to court and request the name change. Isn't this discrimination? From the time a woman marries, she can begin signing her new last name without legally changing it.

Can't a husband assume his wife's last name without going to court? And, do I call myself "Mrs." even if I keep my maiden name? -- CONFUSED IN CANADA

DEAR CONFUSED: Your husband may call himself whatever he chooses, but the prudent thing to do with a last-name change is to discuss it with a lawyer.

And yes, now that you are married you may call yourself "Mrs. John Jones" -- your husband's new last name -- regardless of the fact that you were a Jones before the marriage.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)