DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother and his wife have been through a month of pure hell because of something their son unwittingly did. He thought it was OK to have sex with his 17-year-old girlfriend because she consented. ("Joe," our nephew, is also 17.) They had been dating for a year and seemed to be very much in love. Their first sexual encounter was three months ago.

To his horror, he learned the hard way that it is a felony in California for a minor male to have consensual sex with a female who is under the age of 18 and is not his wife.

Our society has been teaching sex education and preaching safe sex. Young people have been lectured on the danger of contracting AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases, but educators and parents forget to reinforce the fact that sexual relations are against the law in some states if either party is underage -- even though both parties have agreed to it.

Abby, all it takes to land a young man in criminal court is for a girlfriend to become angry and seek revenge by crying rape, or for her parents to become irate and file a complaint. The boy can then be sent to juvenile hall, the boys' ranch or even the California Youth Authority.

We need to rethink our sex education programs to include the legal ramifications as well as the emotional and physical pitfalls. -- AUNT OF GOOD BOY IN TROUBLE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR AUNT: I agree; the legal consequences of sexual relations should also be taught in schools.

DEAR ABBY: Please print this. I have a long history of major medical problems, plus more hospitalizations than I can count.

Last week, for the first time in my life, I signed myself out of a hospital. I just couldn't take it anymore. Let me explain:

I had a medical emergency, went to the ER, and had to wait for three hours for a room in the hospital. I was exhausted by the time I got to my room at 2 p.m. Then I had to endure my roommate's reciting her medical history a dozen times to her endless stream of noisy, rude visitors. By 8 p.m., there must have been 20 people in the room. Not one of them had a thing to say that was worth listening to.

I couldn't get to the bathroom because it was on the other side of my roommate's bed, which meant I'd have to walk through (or pass) the crowd in a gown that opened in the back.

I was so exhausted that all I wanted to do was go home where I could get some rest. I insisted that the nurse remove my IV so I could leave.

A word of advice for people who visit friends or relatives in a hospital: First, figure out what you want to say, say it, and leave!

I'm sure that patient's family perceived themselves as wonderful, warm, supportive family rather than the rude, selfish jerks they really are. -- EXHAUSTED IN TACOMA

DEAR EXHAUSTED: It would have been better had you asked the nurse to limit your roommate's visitors so that you could rest. You could also have insisted that visiting hours and visitor limitations be enforced. (Most hospitals have limited visiting hours and usually allow only one or two visitors at a time.) Or, you could have asked to be moved to another room. If you are hospitalized again, don't just lie there and take it. Assert yourself and make your needs known.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My problem is very complex, and I hope you and your readers can help. "John" and I have been married for almost 20 years. It's the third marriage for both of us. We both have children from previous marriages; all of them have caused us major problems through the years, but that's another letter.

John is a womanizer and always has been -- here in town and when he travels for his job in the United States and foreign countries, which is often. While he has traveled, I have filled my time completing my higher education.

My problem: I am terrified of catching HIV or some other STD, and I want to know how I can convince John to use protection with me. I doubt that he uses protection in the field.

Divorce is out of the question. We are in our early 50s, and we're both executives in the same large corporation, have a beautiful home and a lot invested in the future.

My friends can offer no advice, and I'm at a loss for a way to approach this and still maintain my marriage. I know I can't be the only wife in this position, and need help badly. -- WORRIED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR WORRIED: If your husband refuses to use a condom, you should know that a condom for women was invented a few years ago. Discuss this with your gynecologist or pharmacist. Since he has no qualms about putting your well-being in jeopardy, be direct with your husband and tell him, "No protection -- no sex."

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your column since I was a teen-ager and have enjoyed it thoroughly. I have a complaint that I don't recall having seen in your column.

Announcements have begun to appear in church bulletins, etc., about special events for Mother's Day. These events are for mothers and daughters only; sons are excluded.

I am the mother of two wonderful sons, 14 and 15, who have brought me more happiness than I ever dreamed possible. My husband and I would rather spend time with our sons than with anyone else. They are quick-witted, intelligent, caring young men.

I used to be very involved in the church, helping with flower arrangements, food and planning for the mother-daughter banquets. During one of these banquets, I found myself in a room full of mothers who were with their daughters, and it made me feel very left out. I found it ironic that my husband was home with our sons while I was celebrating the event of motherhood without the very children who make it possible for me to celebrate the day at all! I have never attended another mother-daughter banquet.

Mothers and sons have a unique relationship. I understand that some outings should be for mothers and daughters only; however, the time to plan these events is not on or around Mother's Day. The only mother-daughter relationship I will ever enjoy is the one between my mother and me. Our relationship has been wonderful, but my mother understands that I cannot attend mother-daughter functions anymore because my sons are what my celebration is about.

On Father's Day, festivities revolve around both father-sons and father-daughters, but things seem to have stalled where mother-sons are concerned.

When mothers are honored, ALL mothers should be included. -- CINDY JENSEN-MICKLER, SIMPSONVILLE, S.C.

DEAR CINDY: You have a point. Since change must begin somewhere, why not begin with you in your own neighborhood or church? Organize a mother-son banquet, or at the very least, persuade the committee to change mother-daughter banquets to mother-children events. The ball is in your court.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Elaine" has a nephew who visits her often, but every time he and his wife stay overnight, she catches them going through her dresser drawers and desk.

Elaine has always been good to them, and even loaned them her car and travel trailer for their vacation. I am incensed that they nose around in her private belongings, and she's none too happy about it either. She's always happy to see them go.

Abby, what should Elaine say to them when they want to visit again? How would you handle this? -- CURIOUS

DEAR CURIOUS: If Elaine feels obligated to entertain these nosy individuals, the least she can do to protect herself is to lock her desk and bedroom door while they are visiting.

Had I caught guests going through my personal belongings, I would have asked them to stop immediately, and guided them to another location in the house. It wouldn't happen a second time, because the next time they wanted to visit, I would tell them, "Sorry, it's not convenient at this time." And I would repeat it every time they had the nerve to ask.

DEAR ABBY: About five or six years ago, my Aunt Jolene sent me some homemade penuche fudge for my birthday. It was absolutely delicious.

When I called to thank her, she told me she got the recipe from your cookbooklet. She promised to share it with me, but kept procrastinating. The last time I asked her about it, she said she had lost the cookbooklet when she moved, and hadn't yet ordered another one.

I have a birthday coming up in a couple of months, and I would like to give myself a gift of that fudge.

Abby, would you please give me the recipe? -- HAZEL IN HAMPTON, N.J.

DEAR HAZEL: I'd be delighted. Alhough chocolate is my preference, the penuche fudge is wonderful for people who are allergic to chocolate. It is in my second recipe collection, "More Favorite Recipes," and very easy to make.

ABBY'S FAMOUS PENUCHE FUDGE

1 1/2 cups granulated sugar

1 cup packed brown sugar

1/3 cup light cream

1/3 cup milk

2 tablespoons butter or margarine

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 cup walnut pieces

Butter a 9-inch square baking dish. Butter the sides of a heavy 2-quart saucepan.

Combine sugars, cream, milk and butter in saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until sugars dissolve and mixture comes to a boil. Cook to soft ball stage (238 degrees on candy thermometer), stirring only if necessary. Immediately remove from heat and cool to lukewarm (110 degrees). DO NOT STIR.

Add vanilla and beat vigorously until very thick and mixture starts to lose its gloss. Quickly stir in nuts and spread into prepared baking dish. Score while warm, and cut when firm.

Makes 3 dozen 1 1/2-inch squares. (P.S. You'll diet next week!)

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)