DEAR ABBY: This letter is for "A Mom in Washington" concerning her daughter "Sybil's" boyfriend and his reluctance to give gifts. I hope this letter will be helpful.

The young man won't change, and the situation will only worsen as time goes on if Sybil allows it. The only person Sybil can change is herself.

Instead of crying and putting a strain on the relationship, she needs to ask herself if the young man has other important qualities that might make him a good husband and father. If so, she should be prepared to purchase things she likes, charge them to him, and tell him that's what he "bought her" for her birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc.

I was married to a man very much like him, and I shed more tears than I care to remember. Valentine's Day was just an ordinary day at our house; on Mother's Day I was told "you're not my mother"; our aniversary was his birthday, so we celebrated his birthday; my birthday was close to Christmas, so I might receive a gift for one or the other -- but never for both occasions.

Life is short. So pick your arguments. Some people are givers and others are takers. Somehow relationships always seem to have one of each in them. -- WISER NOW IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WISER NOW: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. As the song says, "Little Things Mean a Lot." I received many comments about that letter. Read on for another perspective:

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "A Mom in Washington" regarding her daughter's boyfriend who was reluctant to buy gifts.

I don't understand the obsession that people (and women, in particular) have with gifts. They are NOT what is important. Yes, I am a woman -- happily married for 26 years and practically giftless for all of them. I did receive flowers twice, when our children were born. I have never received jewelry, candy, lingerie, perfume, or any of those other gifts that women seem to think define their relationship. I have received appliances -- and even a smoke alarm one Christmas.

Do I care? No. No gift could possibly substitute for the daily kindness that abounds in this household. There are hundreds of examples, but most recently, when I severely cut my finger, I awoke the next morning to find a newly purchased bag of bandages -- just because I "might" need them. It was one of the sweetest, most considerate things I've ever seen -- and far more touching than any obligatory gift on a special day.

Sisters, get over your obsession with gifts. If you're not getting thoughtfulness every day, no gift is going to make it better. (And if it does, you are indeed materialistic.)

Your advice missed the mark, Abby. The boyfriend doesn't need to "adjust" -- Sybil does, and so does her mom. -- WAKE ME UP WHEN WOMEN GET A CLUE

DEAR WAKE ME: Whether it's a gift or a compliment, thoughtfulness and romantic gestures are never out of style.

I have often thought that the most sensitive sex organ in men or women is the EAR, and the most potent aphrodisiac is the spoken word.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am feeling very guilty about my role in the destruction of a co-worker's life. He was a nice guy, but he also was a workaholic who didn't fit into the "party" culture of this office.

In the course of his duties, he uncovered a fraudulent activity by the boss. The boss panicked and fired him. A wave of mass hysteria followed, and some of the employees (myself included) made false accusations against this man. Now some of us regret our involvement. We were inflamed by the snow job our boss did on us, as well as the emphasis he placed on his need for our "loyalty."

One employee even claimed the co-worker made sexual advances toward her. It is obvious now that she and the boss are "very close," and most of us are sure she was lying. This woman is now obviously after my position, so I will probably be the next to lose my job. The moral: Don't get caught up in the heat of office politics and don't become part of a lynch mob.

I wish I could undo the damage I did to this person's career. Should I contact the man's lawyer, or just keep quiet? -- SORRY DOWN SOUTH

DEAR SORRY: If you can right the wrong that was done to your co-worker, step forward and set the record straight.

DEAR ABBY: When a girl gets pregnant, why is it always HER fault? I mean, doesn't it take two to tango? And how come if guys have premarital sex, it's not considered bad -- but with girls, it's as bad as a heart attack?

What really makes me mad are these sex-loving guys who want to marry virgins! I feel if a guy wants to marry a virgin, he should be one, too. Guys should wait for sex, just like girls are supposed to do.

I have talked to both men and women about this. Most of them agree with me. Abby, what do you think? -- WONDERING OUT LOUD

DEAR WONDERING: The attitude you have described is called a double standard, which is defined as "a set of principles applied more rigorously to one group than another."

There would be less hypocrisy in the world if we all held ourselves to the same standards we expect others to observe.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Junie's Only Mom" reminded me of something that occurred shortly after my wife and I were married.

My wife had two daughters, ages 3 and 6, and an ex-husband who wasn't interested in raising kids. Curiously, while the oldest looked like her mother, the youngest strongly resembled me.

One day while the youngest girl and I were waiting in line at the supermarket, a customer commented that I would never lose my daughter since she was my spitting image. I responded that was strange since she was my stepdaughter.

As we left the store, my stepdaughter emphatically insisted that if people thought she was my "real" daughter, I should let them think that. Over the last 11 years, this scenario has played out several times, and I've never corrected anyone again.

Abby, a "real" parent is the one who is there from diapers to dating, and has nothing to do with biology. -- A "REAL" MONTANA DAD

DEAR DAD: Out of the mouths of babes ...

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in a situation similar to the one described by "Can't Forget in L.A.," whose parents lied about the date of their marriage. I recently learned that my family is caught up in the same scenario.

My sister had told me she believed our family had a secret -- and she suspected it was our parents' date of marriage. Until then, I'd never questioned this, so without telling anyone, I did a little detective work. When I received a certified copy of my parents' marriage license, it indicated that they were married nearly four months later than they had told us all these years. This means that my mother was pregnant when they married.

My parents have had a long and happy marriage, so I was neither horrified nor "damaged" to learn that they, too, were somewhat less than perfect in their younger years.

Abby, should I tell them I know the truth? -- GLAD TO KNOW THE TRUTH

DEAR GLAD TO KNOW: This is your parents' "secret" and one which they have chosen to keep. Respect their wishes and say nothing.

DEAR ABBY: Please permit me, a retired Canadian archbishop, to express my great satisfaction with the letters you publish. I spend several months a year in Fort Myers, Fla., and enjoy reading your articles every day.

I admire your wisdom and compassion in responding to your readers. You exercise a ministry of charity toward the most afflicted people of our society. You are often their only relief and support.

Abby, please accept my gratitude and admiration. I authorize you to publish this letter, if you wish.

With the expression of my sincere friendship ... JEAN-MARIE FORTIER, ARCHBISHOP EMERITUS OF SHERBROOKE, QUEBEC

DEAR ARCHBISHOP FORTIER: Thank you for the compliment. I have never considered what I do to be a "ministry." I have always regarded it as a privilege.

Although I'm sure that many of those who read my column do so for its entertainment value, I also know that many people read it for comfort or because they're seeking answers to their own problems. Many of them are not aware of the help that is available in their own communities.

Over the years, readers have told me that they have learned from me. However, I see it the other way around. They teach me -- every day -- through their letters. So, I am the one who has learned from them.

DEAR ABBY: While driving through Visalia, Calif., on our way to Sequoia National Forest, I noticed that some of the farmers have signs along their fences depicting the name of the vegetable, fruit, grain, etc., which they are growing. Being a city girl, I found this to be very educational. Even the elderly ladies riding in the car with me commented that they never knew what an almond tree looked like until then.

Therefore, I am asking you to help educate America by calling on the farmers, growers and orchard owners to put up those signs letting America know just what that crop is they are growing. Young and old alike certainly will benefit from this simple gesture. -- MARLENE ZENSEN, STEVENSON RANCH, CALIF.

DEAR MARLENE: I'm from Iowa, so when I see acres of something growing, I assume it's corn -- and I'm usually right!

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)