DEAR ABBY: This is for all the parents who have stayed together "for the good of the children." I grew up in a household filled with tension and bitterness. It was apparent to me that my parents had a bad relationship. Their misery showed, and I, as their child, suffered from it. Hearing anger and resentment on a daily basis was an awful way to grow up.

I believe the most important thing a parent can show a child is how to love. Children who do not observe this while growing up are deprived of something that is irreplaceable. Parents who are unhappy with their spouse often lack warmth. This lack of warmth is felt by their children, and affects them in a negative way.

I would have much preferred that my parents had separated. They did me no favor by showing me that married life could be miserable. They were distant and cold, and that hurt me worse than a divorce ever could have.

I hope parents who are truly unhappy in their marriages will spare their children the agony of living in such an environment. Parents who do decide to stay together owe it to their children to take measures such as family counseling to improve their relationships and ensure that they do not convey bitterness to their children. -- GREW UP SAD

DEAR SAD: You have written an eloquent plea for civility, and one which I hope that couples with troubled marriages will take to heart. A failing marriage does not have to be a "take no prisoners" battleground.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You have devoted some columns to the effects of divorce on children. Often the letters you print show how parents mess up their children when their own marriages break down. I want you to know there are at least two sane people in the world who didn't do that.

My parents divorced in 1979, when I was a little girl, but they always put me first and never made me doubt that they both love me. Although Dad hasn't been physically with me for day-to-day life, he has always "been there" for me. On my 17th birthday, he drove from Maine to Georgia to surprise me. The next year he came for my graduation and stayed at my maternal grandmother's home.

My parents both told me that many of their friends had used their children as "weapons" in their divorces, and they vowed never to do that. They have kept that vow, and everyone has benefited -- most of all me.

While divorce is not something people want to happen, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. You can have -- and be -- a family, even if it is in two different households. Parents still have a responsibility to their children. Children who have been emotionally scarred by divorce are owed an apology from their parents. There is no excuse for it. Parents who have experienced divorce and have let it affect their children should be ashamed.

I am living proof that people can be good parents even in bad situations. I have never been in jail, had an unplanned pregnancy or spent time in rehab. I am a well-educated, responsible and stable adult.

I sincerely hope that someday there will be more "products of divorce" who can say the same thing. If my letter helps make that possible, its purpose will have been served. -- STACI MARSH, GREAT FALLS, MONT.

DEAR STACI: Thank you for an inspiring letter. Your parents' marriage may have failed, but their divorce was a success. I wish everyone in that situation would follow their excellent example.

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DEAR ABBY: I have an 8-year-old son who was disagnosed with diabetes last year. A few months ago, I took him to a matinee at a theater.

I took some dietetic sugar-free wafers and dietetic sugar-free chocolate candies with us. When the young lady at the ticket counter saw that my son was holding some food, she very loudly read the sign that was posted on the wall: "No Outside Food Permitted." (As if I couldn't read.)

I was embarrassed and quite upset. I explained that my son has diabetes and she just repeated to me, "Sorry, ma'am, no outside food permitted." I thought she was very rude.

Abby, couldn't they bend the rules a little bit? My son CAN'T eat the candy they sell. I understand the rules about bringing in outside food -- it would mean they'd lose business. However, there must be exceptions for people with medical conditions. Aren't there? What do you think, Abby? -- ANNOYED IN OREGON

DEAR ANNOYED: If sugar-free items are not sold at the theater, an exception should have been made. However, the ticket-seller wasn't in a position to bend the rules for you. It was beyond her authority. Had you taken your problem to the manager, I'm sure you would have had a more favorable result.

DEAR ABBY: You advised "Feeling Guilty in the Desert" to allow her mother to live with her temporarily if the mother and father separate. Well, let me tell you why that is NOT good advice. How do I know? I'm speaking from personal experience.

I owned my own home and was still unmarried when I foolishly allowed my mother to live with me. She stuck like a leech and insulted every man I dated. I had to fight for every idea I wanted to implement in my own home. It was a miserable fight all the way.

Mom worked and was capable of having her own home, but she was terrified of living alone. Finally, in desperation, I sent all her belongings to my brother's home while she was visiting him. I caught hell from him and his family because they knew it wouldn't work for our mother to live with them. She begged to come back to my home, saying it would be temporary, only until she could find a place of her own.

I weakened and allowed her to return. She lived with me and made my life pure hell until the day she died.

Abby, please retract your advice to "Feeling Guilty." Encourage her to stick to her guns and not allow her mother to take advantage of her. -- LEARNED THE HARD WAY

P.S. I married AFTER Mother died, not before.

DEAR LEARNED: Your letter was one of many warning against allowing a manipulative parent to get a foot in the door. However, I stand by my advice because the daughter had lived in her mother's home until age 29. That means her mother provided for her long past the time when most adults should be self-sufficient. I think she owes her mother at least temporary shelter. And may I emphasize, I advised TEMPORARY shelter, not a permanent home.

After a reasonable period of time during which her parents could resolve their marital problems, it would then be appropriate for the daughter to give her mother her walking papers. It may be difficult, but it is possible to evict an individual, even if she is a parent.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are having a major disagreement concerning our two sons' inheritance. When we die, our sons will inherit everything 50-50, with the exception of our family business, which is worth a considerable amount of money. My husband has already turned the business over to our eldest son, "Donald." My husband feels that Donald has earned this because "he stayed with us." Donald and his family have enjoyed a very prosperous life because of the family business.

"Steve," our younger son, started his own business in a different field. He has always struggled, and his family has never known the same level of comfort as Donald's. This troubles me.

I am trying to convince my husband that we should give Steve at least part of his inheritance while we are alive. He needs the money to enlarge his business. We would never miss the money. I think it's fair, but my husband refuses to let Steve have it until we're both dead. What do you think, Abby? -- SADDENED MOTHER

DEAR SADDENED MOTHER: I see no reason to withhold the money from Steve, when to give it to him now would help him and his family.

Unless your husband can give you a valid reason, which does not include standing on ceremony, I recommend consulting with an attorney and arranging to give your struggling son a helping hand.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the woman who cannot forget that her parents were not truthful with her regarding when they got married, here is another story about the same thing:

My mother recently got the shock of her life. While trying to obtain a passport, she received a letter stating that the information she submitted was incorrect. It appears that Mom's father was not her father, and there is no official record of her birth. Also, the maiden name my mother, my siblings and I have used on official documents was the wrong name!

Our grandmother is too ill to explain why she lead us to believe that the man we called "Grandpa" was Mom's father when he wasn't.

When my brother tried to obtain a Social Security number for his infant daughter, he was told there was a problem. My sister and I have received letters from Social Security periodically stating that there was a problem with the name(s) listed. We used to assume that it was because of our name changes upon marriage. We do not assume so anymore.

Abby, our family is trying to sort out this whole mess. My mother will be eligible for Social Security in a few years and is understandably concerned. All of the emotional issues aside, none of this would have occurred if Gran had not lied.

Thank God, my life is an open book! I assured my children, at one point, that they will never wake up to find that their father is not really their father, that I had other children, or that I may not be their mother.

Once our sense of humor returns, I think we will write Gran's memoirs. Thank you, Abby, for existing. -- STUNNED ON THE WEST COAST

DEAR STUNNED: I'm sure the memoirs will make fascinating reading. Your letter calls to mind Sir Walter Scott's memorable quote, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.