DEAR ABBY: My father is 35 years old. He has had two disks removed from his back. His doctor put him on a diet to lose 50 pounds, but Dad isn't very good at staying on a diet. He knows he should follow the doctor's orders and lose weight, but I see him already slipping back into his old eating habits.

Daddy is a professional bowler with many trophies to prove his skill. I've tried to talk to him, to make him understand that his spine can't handle all his weight plus the weight of the bowling ball. I'm afraid he's going to injure his back even more than he already has. I worry that he'll end up in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

I'm 13 and I love my father very much. I don't want this to happen to him. What can I say or do? How can I help him understand that I want him to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day and to dance with me at my reception? How can I make him realize what he's doing to himself and to me? -- TROUBLED DAUGHTER

DEAR TROUBLED: I understand how much you want to help your father, but it is not your responsibility. It is HIS responsibility to help himself and to help you with your fears, not the other way around. I'm printing your letter so you can show it to him. Seeing your moving words in black-and-white should be all the motivation he needs. Bless you, dear.

P.S. Although the likelihood that your father will need a wheelchair in the future is not great, you should know that many fathers who are in wheelchairs have not only escorted their daughters down the aisle, but also danced with them at their reception.

DEAR ABBY: I have some advice for "Heartbroken in Vermont," the woman who fell in love with a man who had just gone through a tough divorce.

I am also involved with a man who went through a very painful divorce. Unfortunately, he's still going through difficult times. His ex gives him a hard time when he wants to see his son, and causes many other problems.

When we met, we were instantly attracted to each other. We started dating and things were great, but then he backed away. I took it personally until I realized all the problems he was having with his ex. I let him back off, but kept our conversations alive.

To make a long story short, we are still seeing each other, and he's one of the best fathers and companions I've ever known. If I don't hear from him for a week, I know he is trying to cope with his problems and I just let him be. We catch up with each other later.

So, "Heartbroken," keep the lines of communication open. Call just to say "Hi" and see how he is, and be unthreatening. Maybe, just maybe, he will feel more comfortable and come around. I can tell you that if he feels penned in, he will run and all will be lost. Men in this situation need a little more space. Try to be understanding and patient. Things will happen if they are meant to. -- HAPPILY PATIENT

DEAR HAPPILY PATIENT: I advised "Heartbroken" to keep looking. The man she loves had been deeply hurt in his divorce and made it clear that he wanted his space. A byproduct of her moving on may well be that her ex-boyfriend will take a second look at the potential of their relationship and realize that if he continues to shut her out, he'll lose her.

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DEAR ABBY: Last year my father-in-law passed away. Before he died, he left a letter on a computer disk for my daughter. I believe it is a short history of his life. My daughter is only 2 1/2, so I am saving it to give her when she is old enough to understand it.

Recently my mother-in-law requested a copy of the letter. I feel that since the letter was addressed specifically to my daughter, she should be asked if it's OK for someone else to read it. I personally have not read the letter, although I don't think my father-in-law would mind, but I feel it is a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable in asking my mother-in-law to wait and ask my daughter herself in a few years' time? -- WONDERING MOM

DEAR WONDERING MOM: Yes. You stated in your letter that you don't think your father-in-law would mind. Why stand on principle when to do so would deny your grieving mother-in-law access to what could be a treasured memory? Let her read the letter. I'm sure your daughter would approve.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were recently invited to the lavish wedding of the daughter of one of my civic club members. I have never met the bride or groom, and I'm unlikely ever to do so. I believe that strangers or even casual acquaintances have no place at something so personal as a wedding. We declined the invitation and sent a nice card with our best wishes.

Abby, this couple went to Italy on their honeymoon. The bride's father is very wealthy. They want for nothing. It is doubtful that anything we could have given them would have measured up. (We are of modest means.)

At our next civic club meeting, the mother of the bride gave me the cold shoulder. She chattered on and on about the wedding and what a nice time everyone had, filling the society columnist seated next to her in on who was there, and the details.

Was I out of line to have sent only a card? Should we have attended the wedding in spite of the fact that we knew neither the groom nor the bride, and would have felt out of place? -- SNOBBED IN SCHENECTADY

DEAR SNOBBED: Don't allow the mother's reaction to rattle you -- you were NOT out of line. You have every right to decline any invitation you wish. A card was appropriate, especially since you know neither the bride nor the groom.

DEAR ABBY: I love your column and I hope you will print this.

When I read the letter from "Lucky Old Guy in Oregon," whose wife is a health fanatic, I remembered the story about the couple who goes to heaven. It's really wonderful -- everything it's cracked up to be, and more. There is beautiful scenery everywhere they look, choirs of angels singing, superlative food and wine, the chance to hobnob with Moses, Jesus, Buddha, Lincoln, Eleanor Roosevelt, or any of the great thinkers.

After a few days, the man turns to his wife and says, "You know, I'm really mad at you."

"Why?" she asks. "What did I do?"

He says, "You and your healthy lifestyle -- no salt, no booze, no sugar, no meat, no cigarettes, walk a mile every day. If it weren't for you, we could have been here 10 years ago!" -- ERIC GORDON, VENICE, CALIF.

DEAR ERIC: I love your sense of humor. Thanks for sending this upper my way.

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DEAR ABBY: My two grown children ("Ted" and "Alice") love each other dearly but get into frequent tiffs. After the last one, they were not speaking. It was Ted's birthday and Alice was leaving town, so she asked me to give him a card she had chosen.

I knew this card wouldn't go over well. After Alice left, I went to the store and bought a card that I knew expressed how she really feels. I signed her name to it and threw out the other one. I don't think that either one of them will find out what I did.

When Ted opened the card, he was very touched. He really liked it. The card made him happy. Was I wrong to do what I did? -- MOTHER WHO CARES

DEAR MOTHER: Your letter tells me your children are grown, but your actions say otherwise. In this case, the end may have justified the means and your maneuver was relatively harmless. However, it is not your place to mediate between your adult children. Your behavior could easily backfire, so in the future, please resist the urge to meddle.

DEAR ABBY: I'm sure that over the years you have received many letters similar to the one you published from "Grieving in Orange, Texas," who for many years and on her own has visited the frail elderly in convalescent hospitals across the country. She discovered from experience what health-care workers have learned from survey after survey: NATIONALLY, MORE THAN 60 PERCENT OF NURSING HOME RESIDENTS NEVER HAVE A VISITOR. She asked you to urge your readers to visit these isolated seniors.

Your answer was right on, Abby: "The most effective cure for loneliness is caring, human contact." Your column wields a lot of influence for good in our society. Perhaps you could use it to advise these individuals to either join an existing organization formed for this purpose, or to start such an organization in their communities.

The San Francisco Ministry to Nursing Homes (SFMNH) has found from experience that the activity "Grieving" calls for -- visiting people in nursing homes -- needs to be a community effort, not just the efforts of individuals (although I'm not at all discouraging families and friends from visiting). It needs to be well-organized. Volunteer training and support are crucial. When visiting is done in the context of teamwork, it's much easier for the individual, and when volunteers are offered professional training, visits are much more effective. Also, when volunteers have an opportunity to meet and share their experiences, it's much more enjoyable.

SFMNH has a corps of more than 500 volunteers who reach an estimated 1,000 elders in nursing homes each month, with a variety of activities. And we're growing. Other cities are starting similar programs -- Richmond, Va., for instance, and also Tulsa, Okla. There is a growing awareness of the needs and resources for senior citizens.

If your readers are willing to let us know about organizations in their local communities that recruit and train volunteers for this purpose, we will list these organizations on our Web site. Your readers can e-mail us at: info@sfmnh.org. They also can write to us at: 1755 Clay St., San Francisco, Calif. 94109. -- BRENT H. NETTLE, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, SAN FRANCISCO MINISTRY TO NURSING HOMES

DEAR BRENT: Your concept of a nationwide volunteer effort is one way to make a dent in a growing problem as our population ages -- loneliness of the elderly in nursing homes. However, seniors are not the only residents of nursing homes. There is also a population of younger people who suffer from chronic degenerative diseases, and/or the aftermath of gunshot wounds, etc. They, too, need social contacts to bolster their spirits.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)