DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, a tragedy occurred in my life. I was engaged to be married to a man I had loved since the day I met him.

It was six weeks before the wedding, and my dress had finally arrived. I was so excited. I eagerly rushed two hours to my parents' home to have it fitted. It was Mother's Day weekend, so I spent the weekend with my mother. When I returned home, I found a letter from my fiance stating that he was gone and would not be back. He said he loved me and would give anything if he thought our relationship could work, but he was certain it wouldn't.

That was all I got. I never heard from him again. He moved out of state, and no one -- including his parents, who had told me they loved me -- would have anything to do with me, or give me any clue as to why he left the way he did. They wouldn't even return my calls.

I love him with all my heart and would still marry him today. I'm trying to go on with my life, but I'm having trouble dating and wonder if I'll ever be able to love again. Will the way I feel about him ever change? Am I crazy? I've tried to explain to my family that I knew someone totally different than they did. They see only this horrible man who broke their loved one's heart. Don't you think he at least owes me an explanation of why he chose to leave the way he did? -- TORMENTED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TORMENTED: Absolutely. But if you haven't received one by now, you're not likely to get one. By not facing you, your fiance took the coward's way out. For his parents to not return your phone calls was brutal. (I wonder if he's in the witness protection program?)

You're not crazy, but I suspect you're still shell-shocked from the way the engagement was broken. You will have some issues to resolve having to do with trust, but I have no doubt that you will be able to love again. For the present, some professional counseling could help you talk out your understandable pain and disappointment.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Ronald," and I decided to start dating a month ago. He recently told me that he loves me, and I think I love him, too.

My problem is, about a year ago, I got out of a three-year marriage that went totally wrong. We married very young: I was 17, he was 23. During my divorce, I began to wonder what "love" really is. I thought I knew and that's why I got married. Now I'm just not sure.

Ronald is a really great guy. I respect him and I know he respects me because of the friendship that we have. Please help me define love, as this is important. -- KELLY, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR KELLY: Love means liking a person as well as loving him or her. If the most important part of your relationship is physical, and you don't seem to have much to talk about -- face it, it's just a physical attraction. Love is giving, not taking. It wants the best for the one you love. Love makes you want to charge out into the world and DO as well as THINK big. It makes you want to share your thoughts and dreams -- it's honest and open. Love doesn't arrive in an instant. It takes time to grow and flower, and when the storms of life blow in, it doesn't wither.

Make no more hasty decisions. Continue to date Ronald, and in six months, compare your feelings to my definition of love. If they measure up, you will know it's love.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been a fan for many years. I grew up with my mother reading your column, and have used your wedding booklet to assist with our special day.

The response you gave to "Wondering Mom" about the computer letter left for her child prompts this letter. My father-in-law passed away six years ago, and I would never think of letting someone read a letter intended for one of my children before he or she had a chance to read it. The letter "Wondering"'s father-in-law left for his granddaughter was for HER. Had he wanted anyone else to read it, he would have said so. To let someone else read it before the child did would diminish the special meaning to her.

This grandfather created a wonderful thing that his grandchild will have forever. She may want to keep it as her special link to her grandfather, and she should be the one to decide with whom she shares it. -- LOVING DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, VIENNA, W.VA.

DEAR LOVING DAUGHTER: I disagree. The mother-in-law is mourning the loss of her husband in a more immediate and painful way than the 2-year-old possibly could. The fact that her grandmother had seen the contents of the letter should not make it a less precious link. However, that is not the most important reason why the letter should be shared now with her grandmother. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: There is a genuine tragedy awaiting "Wondering Mom" and anyone else who thinks that storing precious family information on a computer disk is the perfect high-tech solution to the problem of combining preservation and privacy.

By the time her 2 1/2-year-old daughter is old enough to care about her grandfather's autobiography, no one outside a couple of computer museums will be able to retrieve it from the disk -- if she's incredibly lucky. I've been using computers for 20 years, and I have multiple generations of disks gathering dust now that, for all practical purposes, are unreadable. The hardware changes. The software changes. Beware!

If "Wondering Mom" wants to save that document, she should print it out now, giving thought to the printer and print cartridge, on 100 percent cotton or linen rag buffered paper with a neutral pH, and store it in a nondestructive archival folder in a dark, safe place, like a safety deposit vault.

Abby, you should have told her to use the silly disk for a coaster (after printing the file). That way it would be good for SOMETHING. -- DENNIS GRAFFLIN, PROFESSOR OF HISTORY, BATES COLLEGE, LEWISTON, MAINE

DEAR PROFESSOR GRAFFLIN: Thank you for offering your computer expertise, and warning my readers not to blindly expect technology to solve their archival problems. In many instances, paper is still the way to go.

DEAR ABBY: I read your column daily and enjoy your articles. I am a 65-year-old federal agent who is totally disabled from a line-of-duty injury.

You might say I've been there -- done that! However, tonight, when I read your response to "An Old Softy in Grand Rapids, Mich.," I was not prepared for "The Rainbow Bridge." I'm not ashamed to admit, I cried! It is sadly beautiful, but gives grieving pet owners hope that they will have their pets meet them down the road, at the Rainbow Bridge. Thank you, Abby. -- JACK IN DALLAS

DEAR JACK: I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried when I read your lovely letter. Thank you, Jack.

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DEAR ABBY: I met my husband in church where he had recently been "saved." While we were dating, I found out he had come from a nonreligious, alcoholic home, but he told me how much he wanted to be a better husband and father than his father had been. The first few years I actually believed him when he said I had spiritual problems and was not submissive enough. I eventually realized it was his way of justifying emotional abuse toward me.

Over the years, he has become more and more distrustful and critical. Everything is black and white to him. Despite the fact that he says "no church I know of is worth going to," I have continued to raise the children in church. I refuse to allow them to become isolated and insist they participate in activities that interest them. I make sure they are around families who are good relationship models. I secretly went to counseling for a while. I have a lot of prayer support.

Why am I writing? Because I've known a number of women over the years who have found themselves in similar or even worse situations. They married a man from an alcoholic or abusive background who had a "religious experience." In every case, including mine, the man swept her off her feet and was in a big rush to marry.

No matter how much in love a woman is, if a man comes from a troubled background, she should be VERY careful. Some men truly change, but many slip back into patterns that are familiar to them, and then the wife and family become the targets of his anger and pain.

What I would have seen during a long engagement was that my husband swings between being the greatest guy in the world to being angry, depressed and controlling. It's not true that only women from troubled families will be attracted to such men.

Abby, please don't try to contact me, as I save "rocking the boat" for important issues, like those affecting the children. I just want to help others avoid what I have experienced. If I had known at the beginning what I know now, I'd have had a greater chance to get my husband into counseling, and we might have a better marriage than we have now. -- FRUSTRATED, BUT COPING

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I agree with some -- but not all -- of the points you have made. The myth of "Prince Charming" is difficult to dispel because girls take it with them from early childhood into young womanhood. Long engagements and premarital counseling make sense, if both parties are willing to take off the rose-colored glasses and take a good look at each other. (Who was it who said that the marriage contract should be invalid, because both parties enter into it while they're insane?)

You have a keen insight into your husband and the core issues that trouble your marriage, and for that, I congratulate you. Obviously the counseling you sought was of value, and you are in this for the long haul.

Of course, women who are dating men from troubled backgrounds should look closely at what they might be taking on, but so should men who are dating women from dysfunctional families. Counseling is very helpful to people who sincerely want to change and are willing to work on their issues.

I hope one day your husband recognizes that with some effort on his part, you both could have a happier marriage.

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