DEAR ABBY: When I married "John," his wife -- I'll call her Donna -- had been dead for seven years. She died at a young age from cancer. Before our marriage, I knew that he had several family pictures hanging on the walls. After our marriage, when I moved into his home, they remained.

I must admit, at first I felt a tiny bit of resentment that she was still "hanging around." However, after carefully thinking it through, I concluded that it was better that the pictures remain where they were. I realized that his grown children would appreciate the fact that I wasn't getting rid of everything of their mother's. I also realized that I would probably feel the same had my mother passed away and my father remarried.

I know John loves me, and we have a wonderful marriage. I also know that I'll never replace Donna. He loved her for many years, and I will always be second-best. John will be buried next to Donna when he dies. His children display many family pictures in their homes, as do his parents. Sometimes I feel a little sad, because when John sees these pictures everywhere, they bring back memories of him and Donna.

I would love it if John's parents would display our wedding picture on their wall, but they don't. Our pictures are in the photograph album, while pictures of John and Donna are on display. My in-laws loved Donna, as did everyone who knew her, but they also love me and we get along great. They are elderly now, and I wouldn't feel right asking them to remove Donna's pictures from their walls.

Although John and I haven't had years and years together and we're beyond having children of our own, I know I have a special place in his heart.

Donna is gone, but her memory is here to stay, as are her pictures. Sometimes when I look at her picture, I feel that she's smiling at me and saying, "Thanks for taking care of John -- he needed you!" Sign me ... SECOND LOVE, PLEASANT PLAIN, OHIO

DEAR SECOND LOVE: You have written a loving, compassionate letter, filled with beautiful sentiments. It's a celebration of the fact that life goes on.

Please try to banish the thought that you are "second-best." Although John had a long and happy marriage with Donna, Donna is gone and now he loves you. In this stage of his life, you are not second-best; you are first.

DEAR ABBY: My 79-year-old father visits our home and loves to work on projects like trimming bushes and repairing things. He gets very sweaty and takes frequent breaks by coming into the house and sitting in his favorite chair -- my cherished fabric-covered recliner. After his visits, my chair smells of sweat. I have had it cleaned twice, and now we are expecting him again.

I would like to put a large towel on the chair before he arrives, but my husband says Dad will be offended. Would this be rude? I doubt that my chair can take many more cleanings. -- LOOKING FOR A TACTFUL WAY

DEAR LOOKING: Purchase an inexpensive, washable throw or slipcover for your recliner. Your cherished chair will be protected and Dad will be none the wiser.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl with a big problem. My parents have been divorced for 12 years, and my mother and her family have pretty much raised me. Not long ago, my mom told me she thought I should change my last name so that our whole family has the same one. Abby, why didn't she think of this when I was 2? I'm used to my other last name.

The other reason this is hard is that just a few months ago, I visited my dad's side of the family. I learned many things from and about them, and now I feel closer to them. I don't want to hurt their feelings. What should I do? -- NO NEW NAME IN OREGON

DEAR NO NEW NAME: It is difficult to understand why your mother has waited so long to suggest a name change. Of course you are used to your last name. Perhaps there is a legal reason your mother has proposed this. If not, ask her to consider a compromise and let you hyphenate the two names. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter from the diner who entered a Chinese restaurant 15 minutes before the posted closing time and was rushed through dinner.

Abby, in some restaurants the posted closing time means that is the time the kitchen closes; in others, the kitchen closes 15 to 30 minutes before the restaurant closes.

I paid my way through beauty school by working in restaurants, and every one of them meant something different by the sign on the door. I now run a hair salon, and our hours are 8:30 a.m. to 5:15 p.m. That means we take our first appointment at 8:30 a.m. and the last at 5:15 (but an appointment that late must be a simple, quick procedure such as a comb-out). I understand that clients want to know when they can come, not when I go home. However, the salon down the street posts a sign that closing time is 5:30 p.m., and they mean they want to get out the door at 5:30.

The best one can do in this crazy world is to ask what the hours mean. -- JOAN IN TUCSON

DEAR JOAN: Thanks. Once again, the sage counsel is one we've all heard a million times. When in doubt, ASK!

DEAR ABBY: My mother expects us to supply her with school pictures of our children. That is a problem because she insists on getting the large pictures that fit the frames she bought years ago. She actually demands the large pictures.

Abby, the large pictures are not in our budget, and she hasn't offered to help pay for them.

The other set of grandparents are delighted with whatever pictures they receive, but not my mother. Can you offer advice on how to handle the unrealistic demands and help us avoid the agony of a confrontation again this year? -- PICTURE-PRESSURED

DEAR PICTURE-PRESSURED: Tell your mother that providing the size pictures she requests would create a financial hardship. Be firm in letting her know that if she wants large photographs, she must pay for them. Then let the chips fall where they may.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you gave a very sensitive reply to "Desperate in Delaware," a 50-year-old man with an obsessive attraction to a younger woman.

I have been a psychotherapist for 34 years and have seen too many men destroy their own lives and the lives of those they love because they didn't understand the inevitable changes that occur in a man's body, mind and spirit at midlife.

My understanding of these issues has been greatly expanded since recognizing that men go through a form of "male menopause," generally between the ages of 40 and 55.

Marc Blackman, M.D., chief of endocrinology and metabolism at Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center, said, "The male menopause is a real phenomenon and it does similar things to men as menopause does to women, although less commonly and to a lesser extent."

I believe thousands of families could be saved if men and women learned about the newest research findings on this crucial time of life.

-- More than 25 million men in the United States are now going through male menopause.

-- Fifty-two percent of men between the ages of 40 and 70 suffer from some degree of erectile dysfunction.

-- Men, like women, experience complex hormonal rhythms that affect their mood, physical well-being and sexuality.

-- Emotional symptoms include irritability, worry, indecisiveness and depression.

-- Physical symptoms include fatigue, weight gain, short-term memory loss and sleep disturbances.

-- Sexual symptoms include reduced libido, fear of sexual failure, and increased desire to prove he can still perform by seeking a younger partner.

These problems are treatable. If your physician is not familiar with male menopause, ask for a referral to a physician who is. -- JED DIAMOND, DIRECTOR, MEN'S HEALTH CLINIC, LONG VALLEY HEALTH CENTER, LAYTONVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR JED: Over the years, the idea that men experience a midlife change has been joked about. I'm sure many people will be relieved, and others will be surprised, to learn that male menopause is a fact and it is treatable.

DEAR ABBY: A mother complained in a letter to you that she was not permitted by a movie theater to bring in dietetic sweets for her diabetic son. You suggested speaking to the manager.

What you left out was reference to the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). This law clearly establishes that public entities must make "reasonable accommodations" for people affected by a broad variety of challenges they never asked for. Please help us educate people to the basic fairness of this, as well as to their recourse in federal law. -- FRANK H. MARONE, Ph.D., INCLUSION SPECIALIST, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DR. MARONE: Thank you for that helpful suggestion. I hope the mother of the diabetic child sees your letter.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.