DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Kathy in Huntsville, Ala.," who complained that her fiance's ex-wife was too chummy with her fiance and his family. Talk about someone who has no idea how lucky she is! Kathy needs to rethink her objections and count herself, her fiance and his daughter fortunate.

My ex and I have a son. We're both remarried and live in close proximity. Due to joint custody, all four of us parents must communicate on the telephone as well as during drop-offs and pick-ups. How horrible it would be (and has been) if we were not on good terms with one another. We all attend his baseball games, etc., and extended family is often present. We all have a great time socializing with one another. How awful it would be for everyone concerned (especially our SON) if we kept to separate sides of the field and glared at each other.

Kathy has no idea how miserable her fiance's ex-wife could make her life. The ex-wife is trying very hard to be agreeable. Both sides need to do their best to build an amicable relationship. -- BEEN THERE IN CHICAGO

DEAR BEEN THERE: That's practical advice from someone who's been in the trenches. I hope "Kathy in Huntsville, Ala.," reads it and heeds it. Other readers wrote to comment on her letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: How can "Kathy in Huntsville" resent her husband maintaining amicable contact with his ex-wife? I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was 10, and if my parents had stopped being close friends after the divorce, my sisters, brothers and I would have been crushed. Moreover, it would have given us multitudes of opportunities to play one of them against the other.

The husband's relationship with his ex-wife is a part of him and should be accepted with the package. If Kathy expects him to behave as though she's the only woman in his life, or feels she can't trust him with the mother of his child, perhaps it is the "beautiful new life" she had planned -- and not the man -- that she's in love with. -- GLAD MY PARENTS STAYED CLOSE IN GEORGIA

DEAR GLAD: You have made some excellent points, and you'll get no argument from me. It's to everyone's advantage to maintain a friendly relationship for the sake of the child involved. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband was divorced from his ex-wife 15 years ago. He brought two darling little girls into our relationship. Although it was sometimes difficult, we somehow managed to create an extended family, which included his ex. Once she came for Christmas morning breakfast. She occasionally took our son when we wanted to go out (he loved being with his half-sisters). One year, my husband even took us both out with all the children for Mother's Day breakfast. The girls were always delighted to be able to spend time with both families together.

Abby, please tell "Kathy in Huntsville, Ala." that having an amicable relationship with an ex-spouse makes for happier, more well-adjusted children. The girls are now lovely young ladies who are grateful that the adults could set their own insecurities aside to bring a little more joy into their lives. -- A.A. IN MERRITT ISLAND, FLA.

DEAR A.A.: I think you said it very well. Your input is greatly appreciated.

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DEAR ABBY: I need your advice. My mother wants to live with me. I'm 56. She's 78. My household now includes my husband, my unmarried daughter and her son, who is 6 years old.

My mother is in great condition. Her main problem is that she's a hypochondriac and is lonely. She would be miserable living with us, but I can't convince her. She wants to sell her condo, help us buy a bigger home and move in. I've countered that if she ever becomes ill and unable to take care of herself, we could buy a duplex.

Abby, I cannot live with my mother and I don't want to live with her. She wants her own room in the same house, no duplex. I can't even describe the dread this is causing me.

I do not like her. If she were not my mother, I couldn't even be friends with her; I would avoid her. She's extremely self-centered, controlling, overcritical and rude, with an opinion on everything. She's been married and divorced many times, and she has no friends. She turns every conversation on any topic back to herself.

Mother knows that I do not want her to live with us, but she's pushing. She knows that I hate it when she drops in on me unannounced early in the morning, but she does it anyway, saying, "I know this drives you crazy, but ..."

If my daughter or I plan to meet Mother at a restaurant for a noon lunch, she shows up at the house at 10 a.m. to wait for us.

When Mother eats with us at home every week, she samples the food and makes comments like she's the food critic for The New York Times.

I could write pages about her annoying habits. What can I do, Abby? Please help me. -- STRESSED DAUGHTER IN FLORIDA

DEAR STRESSED DAUGHTER: If you want my support, you have it. Do not allow yourself to be pushed into residency with your mother and don't feel guilty about it. Your mother may want to be a bigger part of your lives, but it could harm your marriage if you bow to her demands. Stand firm and enlist your husband to present a united front.

DEAR ABBY: My wedding was called off a month ago. I understand now that God is trying to fix some things in my life before he allows me to take such a big step.

I'm a very insecure person. It is hard for me to trust -- and that caused me many problems in our relationship. However, I am around my "ex" every day. We have the same friends. We broke up with the understanding that we would remain friends.

Abby, my ex-fiance deals with things by avoiding a confrontation. At the moment, he isn't speaking to me, which makes me feel sick at heart. I know he's hurting, too. I want nothing but to be there for him. I don't want to crowd him or make him think I'm chasing him. How do I deal with his ignoring me? -- AMY IN RURAL ILLINOIS

DEAR AMY: It may be difficult to distance yourself from your ex-fiance in your small town, but it would be a happier situation for both of you if you stayed out of each other's sight for a while. It has only been a month since your engagement ended and you are both hurting. Breaking up is painful. Although you would like to continue the friendship as if nothing had happened, your "ex" is trying to put the romance behind him by avoiding you. Give it some time, Amy. Life will get better.

DEAR ABBY: After the death of a spouse, how long should a person wait before starting to date again? -- DOTTIE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DOTTIE: The usual period of mourning is one year. However, grief is such a personal emotion that no one can presume to make rules that will apply to everyone.

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DEAR ABBY: I have never written for advice before, but this really bugs me: A friend and neighbor of ours borrowed a very expensive gardening tool and broke a part on it.

My husband, "Walter," and I have always believed that when you break something you have borrowed, you repair it, get it repaired or replace it. Our neighbor brought the tool back and told Walter what had happened, but made no offer to pay for the repairs. So far, Walter has spent more than an hour on the phone trying to get information on repairs and parts. He'll have to travel at least an hour (there and back) to purchase the parts, and has been told they will cost at least $40.

When Walter approached our neighbor about the problem, the guy responded, "I don't have a problem!" Then he reluctantly offered to pay half the cost.

Walter is afraid that if he presses the issue, he'll lose this friend. Abby, I'm married to a nice guy, but I think he's being played for a sucker. I told Walter that if it were my tool, I'd have it repaired, forget about getting reimbursed, and never loan anything to this neighbor again.

We've been married almost 50 years and never had a problem like this before. All our friends have been real friends. I contend this neighbor is no friend, only a user. However, he is a neighbor, so that complicates the matter.

Is there a solution I'm overlooking here? -- MRS. NICE GUY

DEAR MRS. NICE GUY: No. Your gut reaction is right on target.

DEAR ABBY: My father was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness and given less than six months to live. With my wife's blessings, I am staying at my parents' home on weekdays to assist as much as possible with his care. I do this following a 12-hour night shift, so the time I can devote to actually talking with my father and doing everything he needs done is limited. Much of my time is taken up with bathing him, helping him into his wheelchair and tending to his personal needs -- and of course, I must sleep a little.

My eldest stepson asked to visit my father, and I told him that I prefer no visitors at this time (my father sleeps most of the time). Dad will not see anyone unless he's dressed and in his wheelchair, because he doesn't want anyone to feel sorry for him. It is time-consuming to prepare him for visitors.

My wife is upset with me for not allowing my stepson to visit. If the boy were close to my father, it would be different, but he hasn't seen Dad more than six times in the last four years.

Abby, am I being unreasonable in making sure my father gets everything he wants? -- DUTIFUL SON IN NEVADA

DEAR DUTIFUL SON: Dutiful is the right word to describe you, a son who is making every effort to make his father's last days as pleasant as possible. However, YOU made the decision there would be no visitors, and your father is the one who should decide that. Even though it creates more work for you, your stepson should be allowed to visit your father unless your dad doesn't want to see the boy. A short visit can provide a psychological lift for those who are ill. Also, your stepson may need to make amends or say goodbye before your father passes away. Unfortunately, there is very little time for him to do so.

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