DEAR ABBY: My wife and I live with three friends in order to save money. One of our housemates is my wife's brother. I can't stand him. He's bossy and always wants things his way. The other housemates ignore him and let him do what he wants. I am the only one who seems to have a problem with him.

Abby, last night he held a "family meeting" and asked my wife and me not to fight on the front porch. We don't fight very often, but there are two things we fight about: money and her evil brother. I have considered telling him what to do with his thoughts on many occasions, but I have kept my mouth shut because my wife gets upset when I criticize her brother. She's very protective of him and feels he can do no wrong. She thinks I'm vindictive if I disagree with him.

Should I keep my mouth shut for the sake of peace, or do I have a right to say what I think of him? -- FED UP IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR FED UP: As long as you're living under the same roof, you'd be wise to keep your mouth shut.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding your response to "Irritated in Minneapolis," the woman who was distressed because a minister's widow was chasing after her husband at church: You said the widow probably needed "verification that she's still attractive to men."

Abby, you excused this woman's behavior and minimized the wife's distress. The minister's widow should know better. She does know better if she is trained in the holy Scriptures, which are guidelines for what is appropriate and what is not between the sexes.

The widow has already had a husband of her own, and though it's unfortunate he's deceased, pursuing someone else's husband (in her own church, yet) is not only inappropriate, but disloyal to the man's wife.

People like the widow invade others' boundaries and count on "compassion" in order to continue their game. The husband is not always "not attracted," and it's not the wife's job to find the widow a new man so that she won't steal hers.

I have been in similar situations and have a solution: I take the woman aside and say, "I may be wrong, but I get the feeling you're attracted to my husband, and it makes me uncomfortable." They always deny it at first, but I treat them with dignity and honesty, and it earns me their respect. I have no more problems with them. In fact, I get the sense they're relieved to have been stopped in such a loving way. It works. -- A WIFE WHO CARES

DEAR WIFE: Your experience gives wise voice to the other side of the story. In a perfect world, no one would desire or deliberately entice another's spouse. Unfortunately, however, we're not living in a perfect world.

DEAR ABBY: I gave up my child for adoption when she was 7 days old. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Please do not get me wrong; the choice I made was a loving choice. I did what I felt was right for my child. You see, I love her more than the very air I breathe, as I do all my children.

This happened approximately 18 years ago, and I have since had two more children. The child I gave up has met her sister and knows that she is her sister. Now, as she approaches her 18th birthday, she has made it clear that she wants to meet me face-to-face.

Abby, I am terrified to meet her. I don't know what to say to her. Could you please advise me about what to do? -- SCARED IN VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR SCARED: Tell your daughter exactly what you have told me, and do not be afraid. The most important message you can give her is that you never stopped loving her, and you did what you thought was best for her at the time.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an 83-year-old widow and live with my divorced son. We are both in fine health and recently moved to a new community, where we're trying to make friends. I joined a bridge club and have met some very nice women.

One of the members was having trouble assembling some furniture she recently purchased. I offered my son's services to help her (he's very good at this sort of thing). For my sake, my son agreed, and we all settled on 11 a.m. My son and I drove to "Sarah's" and arrived at 10:55 a.m. No one was home. We decided to wait. At 11:15, Sarah drove up. She offered no explanation for being late. My son assembled the piece, Sarah thanked him, and we left.

A couple of weeks later, Sarah called and invited us to lunch as a thank-you for my son's work. Lunch was to be at 11:30. We arrived at 11:25 and, guess what? No one was home! We waited in the car. At 11:40, I wrote a note, "Did you forget you invited us?" I left it on her door and we drove home. When we arrived back home, there was a nasty message on my answering machine. Sarah yelled at us for leaving and called us rude.

When she called a second time, I told her I expected a hostess to open the door when I was invited and had arrived. She replied that we were early and could not expect anyone to be home when we arrived early. She said she had just run to the bank. I pointed out that the bank is open until 6 p.m. and she could have gone after we had lunch. She said maybe it is OK to be early where I come from, but not in this country.

Abby, I was not born here, but I have lived in America for 50 years. I thought I was brought up with good manners, and nobody has ever said my "old country" ways are strange. Am I missing something? -- SURPRISED SONJA

DEAR SURPRISED: No. It's Sarah who's missing something -- common courtesy. A host should be home to greet guests when they arrive, even if they're slightly early. Shame on Sarah.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on something in Donna Williams' letter to you about guests in restaurants. She said, "Guests are our livelihood! Without them, we might as well be dishing out food at a school cafeteria, instead of practicing the fine art of restaurant service, one in which many of us take a great deal of pride."

Abby, I have been employed in school food service for 25 years. In every school cafeteria I have worked, the fine art of service to our customers has been practiced. We, too, take a great deal of pride in our work and in servicing our customers.

I am an assistant manager in one of the largest high schools in Alabama. We serve almost 2,700 students plus faculty and staff. We do not just "dish out" food. We service all our customers in a two-hour shift at eight food bars with a total of 16 to 18 entrees, plus fruits, vegetables, salads, milk and about 15 other beverages. We do take pride in our work, and we do serve good food.

Satisfied customers are as essential to us as they are to restaurants. Remember, if we don't satisfy them, they won't buy from us. I invite Donna Williams to our cafeteria any day, and I'll be happy to treat her to lunch. -- MARGARET SELLERS, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR MARGARET: Perhaps when Donna sees your letter, she'll stand corrected. She may harken from a time, as do I, when the choices in the school lunch program were fewer and less imaginative than they are today.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Hot and Tired in Texas," whose father-in-law was upset because her baby was due on his birthday and he didn't want the "competition."

I was born on Dec. 21, my grandfather's birthday. No matter how much love my parents showered on me, I didn't feel "special" because I couldn't have birthday parties that were separate from the Christmas rush. Few parents wanted to take the time to haul their children to a kid's birthday party, many families were out of town, etc.

My grandfather, Alvin Johnson, was a simple, hard-working man who never said much. He wasn't a big talker. But he stood bravely and lovingly by his wife for eight years as she battled, and finally succumbed, to breast cancer.

When I was 15, my father and I went on our weekly visit to see my grandfather. That afternoon, he wasn't up to our usual visit to his favorite restaurant. Dad was worried about him, but he went on to the restaurant to pick up Grandpa's favorite pie. After Dad left, Grandpa walked to the window and stared out. I joined him, and we stood in silence together.

Finally, he turned and really looked at me. Very slowly, he said, "You were the best birthday present I ever got." I was stunned. He had never said anything so sweet to me. When Father returned, we had pie and ice cream with my grandfather for the last time. He died four days later. Abby, his words were the most meaningful birthday present I ever received. I have since learned to love and cherish my birthday. I hope "Hot and Tired's" father-in-law will learn that sharing a birthday with a family member is special, and that a healthy grandchild born on any day is a blessing. -- MINDY JOHNSON, SANTA MONICA, CALIF.

DEAR MINDY: Your letter touched my heart. Your grandfather's special words to you were, indeed, a priceless gift.

"Hot and Tired's" father-in-law has a lot of growing up to do. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Hot and Tired's" father-in-law should be ashamed. If you print my letter, I hope everyone he knows sends him a copy.

I'd be thrilled to share any day of the year with my granddaughter, but that's not possible. On Easter of this year, my beautiful granddaughter was stillborn due to a rare and undetected umbilical cord problem. My daughter had no complications during her pregnancy, so our loss was sudden and unexpected.

Maybe "Tired's" father-in-law would like to trade places with us: We'll go to the party next year, and he can visit the cemetery. -- RAVEN'S GRANNIE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR GRANNIE: My heartfelt sympathy for the tragic stillbirth of your granddaughter. I, too, hope "Hot and Tired's" father-in-law sees your letter. Perhaps it will help him reorganize his priorities.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have two daughters from a biracial marriage. My older daughter, Sakura, was born the same day as her Japanese grandfather. My younger daughter, Mari, shares a birthday with her American grandfather. Both grandfathers were not only delighted, but amazed because they are both mathematicians, and they say the odds of this happening were astronomical and heaven-sent.

If these two men, who fought on opposing sides during World War II, can see eye-to-eye on the joys of life and God's good graces, why can't the guy in Texas do likewise? -- GERRY CHRISTMAS (MY REAL NAME), CARRBORO, N.C.

DEAR GERRY: Right on! What a perceptive observation!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)