DEAR ABBY: We desperately need your advice. A female co-worker (I'll call her Ethel) has poor hygiene. This is particularly difficult in a bank such as ours, where professional working relationships sometimes involve working in close proximity.

The human resources director has discussed the problem with Ethel. Also, during the annual personnel evaluations, the boss made brief, but firm, comments that she must practice better hygiene. However, her efforts were short-term.

Abby, we cannot fire Ethel. She's a longtime employee with tremendous amounts of knowledge and experience, but it has reached the point that some of our younger staff have threatened to quit if Ethel doesn't clean up to "normal" standards. Is there a solution that won't offend her or make her defensive? -- STAYING DOWNWIND IN IOWA

DEAR DOWNWIND: Regardless of her tremendous knowledge and experience, it's unfair that the rest of the employees must tolerate this. If it's difficult for them to be close to her, it must be equally so for your customers.

Ethel must be told that many complaints have been registered, and the bank is in danger of losing other personnel because she hasn't resolved her problems. She should also be advised that, as valuable as she is, if she doesn't resolve her poor hygiene problem, she will be terminated. Harsh perhaps, but necessary in the best interests of the bank and its staff.

DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged to "Bill" for two years. He's a wonderful man, and I have always gotten along well with his family -- until now.

We allowed his sister (I'll call her Denise) to store a few things in our basement until she moved. A few days ago, Bill and I visited her new apartment, and I was shocked to see on her wall an expensive painting of mine that I had stored in my basement! I refrained from saying anything while we were there, but on the way home I mentioned the painting. Bill said that Denise had owned that painting for years. I didn't force the issue, but when I checked my basement, my painting was missing.

Abby, my grandmother's china was also missing. I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with Bill because of what Denise has done, but the painting is valuable and the china is my only link to my deceased grandmother. I also wonder if the other items I have missed over the months have found their way into her sticky fingers. I can't sleep for thinking about this.

If I don't do something about this, I'll be restless and angry. But if I confront Denise, I may lose Bill. What do I do now, Abby? -- SLEEPLESS IN MISSOURI

DEAR SLEEPLESS: You can't ignore the obvious. Tell Bill about the china and the other items that are also missing. Make an inventory. If possible, gather proof that the missing items are your property -- photographs, testimonials from relatives, etc. Try to enlist your fiance as an ally, and talk to his sister. Her problem may be kleptomania, which is defined as "a persistent neurotic impulse to steal, especially without economic motive." The condition is treatable with psychiatric help. If your fiance won't cooperate, report your losses to the police.

Bill's sister definitely has a problem; however, I'm as troubled by your fiance's failure to back you up as I am the thefts. If you can't count on him, you'd be wise to rethink your engagement before your losses mount any further.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: What's wrong with me? I met "Mike" when I was 40. We dated exclusively for two years. When his mother had a stroke, Mike moved an hour away to care for her, and I made the round-trip drive seven days a week to help. I emptied bedpans, redressed bedsores, cooked, cleaned and maintained a perky attitude to cheer up an otherwise dismal household. I did all this while holding down a job 40 hours a week. I did it because she was Mike's mother, and I loved him.

Mike promised eternal fidelity and said we'd have a wonderful life together when his mother passed on. After a year of this grueling schedule, I received a short note from Mike that said, "Mom and I thank you for all you have done for us. I've decided to start dating Marianne, a cashier where I work. I've never loved anybody, although I've used the word often. Goodbye and good luck." I called, thinking I deserved an explanation, but Mike didn't return my call.

I wouldn't take him back in a million years. So why, Abby, do I still miss him, and why do I cry daily over losing him? Wouldn't any sane woman realize she'd been used and never shed a tear? -- STILL CRYING IN FAIRMONT

DEAR STILL CRYING: You cry because it's a normal reaction after having been hurt and rejected. Tears are a natural part of the cleansing and healing process. Mike used you, but he was an important part of your life and it's not surprising that you will miss him -- for a time. Face it, he was a user. One day, you'll look back and thank your lucky stars that he is out of your life.

DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of three girls who are all married. Our mom is now widowed.

Our problem is that our oldest sister is in a very unhappy marriage with three almost grown girls. We love our sister very much, but tolerating her husband has become unbearable for all of us. We have tried for many years to ignore his painful and disrespectful behavior, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. Our sister knows how we feel about him and that we have tried different approaches with him, but she still wants us to be together for family holidays and anniversaries. We feel bad about her situation and want to see her and the kids, but it is now getting so bad that we find ourselves dreading the holidays because it is so unpleasant and uncomfortable being around him.

I'm afraid that our family traditions are going to fall apart, because we all want to avoid being with him. Is there anything we can do? -- STUMPED IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STUMPED: As long as your sister is married to this man, there is no way you can exclude her husband without excluding her. However, you do not have to tolerate his being disrespectful to your sister in your presence. If he starts up, present a united front and ask him to please knock it off for the evening, in the name of family harmony.

DEAR ABBY: Recent columns where students were not allowed to discuss "Dear Abby" in school got my attention. As a family and consumer sciences instructor (formerly known as "home ec"), I incorporate your columns into the curriculum for classroom discussion. You bring to light many social situations that students are faced with on a daily basis. Your columns enhance as well as enlighten us on the topic of discussion.

Thank you, Abby, for your years of columns that have taught us so much. -- CATHERINE WILKINSON, OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR CATHERINE: Thank you for your supportive letter. It made my day!

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: I recently rented a room in a private home, where I have full privileges. I like the people who own the home, but one thing bothers me. Whenever I come home from work or enter a room where they are sitting, they never say hello. They rarely speak to me at all. It's almost as though I don't exist.

These are nice people who go to church on Sunday, but they never acknowledge my presence. I'm not asking to be treated like a member of the family, just acknowledged. Are they being rude, or am I too sensitive? -- IGNORED IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IGNORED: Not all families are as verbal as you may be. Since it bothers you, speak up. Say hello when you enter and make a casual comment that does not require a lengthy response; then go about your business. The living arrangement you have made requires some give-and-take on the part of all concerned.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from "Appalled Cousin," concerning the grandfather who was disinvited from his granddaughter "Lenore's" wedding.

My newest daughter-in-law's wedding took place last June in La Jolla, Calif. Janene had planned for her "Pop-Pop" and grandmother to attend, but her grandmother passed away a couple of months before the event.

The day of the wedding, which was outdoors in a small public park by the beach, Pop-Pop was late in arriving. He's confined to a wheelchair and was running late. Janene simply said, "The wedding doesn't start until Pop-Pop gets here." We all waited, took photos of the wedding party, played with the grandchildren and visited with relatives as the bride waited in the limousine for Pop-Pop to arrive. Because this was a public place, tourists on the sidewalk became curious and stopped to watch the festivities. About an hour later, Pop-Pop arrived. The park was not wheelchair accessible, so he was carried by some strong young men (wheelchair and all) to his place of honor in the front.

Now Janene was ready. As if on cue, the sun broke through the gloomy overcast, the sky turned a vivid blue, the waves turned a brilliant white and the wedding began. When the vows were exchanged, there was cheering and applause even from the sidewalk gallery. Pop-Pop was as radiant as Janene. He is in all of the wedding pictures. Pop-Pop died recently, but he was thrilled to be in the wedding and happy that his granddaughter delayed it just for him.

I'm afraid Lenore just doesn't understand what a perfect wedding is all about.

I'm overjoyed to have such a terrific daughter-in-law come into my family. This girl is a real keeper. Pregnant with her first child, Janene graduated from college summa cum laude this June. The baby (like Pop-Pop) arrived late. Some things are well worth waiting for. -- PAUL ASGEIRSON, PROUD FATHER-IN-LAW, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR PAUL: Thank you for an upper of a letter. Your daughter-in-law, Janene, is indeed a prize. Lenore could have learned from her example. May all of you enjoy many more happy, healthy and prosperous years together.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)