DEAR ABBY: My 27-year-old daughter just announced her engagement. Now we are having trouble with our relationship. I am shocked and hurt. She has accused me of trying to plan her wedding.

Abby, I give my opinions and ideas only, and certainly don't "insist" on anything. Is this lack of communication normal? We are usually very close. What gives?

She has instructed me to just get information, and she will "decide" whether to use it or not. That's fine with me.

Although the wedding is nine months away, she insists on a guest list -- NOW! Our church holds more than 500, so what is the rush? No, I never expressed my unhappiness to her.

I thought this was supposed to be fun, but I'm both angry and sad. How do I handle this? Please advise me. -- HURT MOM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR HURT MOM: It appears your daughter is trying to establish her independence right at the time you feel you should be closely bonded. Emotions often flare during "rites of passage," which is why etiquette books are such enduring best-sellers.

Don't take your daughter's sudden determination to do it "her way" too personally. Now is the time to back off a little and wait for her to seek your input. Take it from me, the most unwelcome advice in the world is that which is unasked for.

DEAR ABBY: I am 30 years old, the mother of two small children, attending college full time. My boyfriend is 27 and the father of my second child.

I'm looking for work, but it's hard finding a job that allows me to make my classes and have time for my children. My boyfriend paid the rent and helped me take care of the kids, but he recently left me. He said there were too many problems, and he couldn't take the stress anymore.

Abby, I admit he didn't have it easy with me going to school, taking care of the children, studying and trying to look for work. However, when times were hard for him, I didn't run away. I stayed and tried to help him. I even paid the rent and bought food for him out of the little support money I get for my first child. Now that I need him, he says he "needs his space." He wants us to separate until each of us gets our economic problems and personal issues resolved.

I love him, but I feel like a fool for sticking with him through thick and thin only to be cast aside when he's tired of the problems. Do you think I should keep trying to reconcile, or move on? -- BEFUDDLED DOWN SOUTH

DEAR BEFUDDLED: How much can this man love you if he takes off when you and the children need him? Granted, the circumstances were difficult, but a burden shared is only half as heavy.

I cannot make your decision for you; however, you should carefully consider whether you want a man you can't count on.

P.S. Should you choose to move on, don't hesitate to have child support legally established -- you'll need it.

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Torn in Texas," who was receiving flak from her family because of taking legal means to recover $750 from a sister-in-law who charged calls on "Torn's" cell phone. "Torn's" family said she should just let the money go because the woman is "family."

The next time a family member suggests that the debt be forgiven for "family reasons," "Torn" should say, "I agree that it is a family matter, and the whole family should share in the burden: Your share of the bill is $75."

I'll bet that will shut them up. -- KAREN IN HUNTINGTON BEACH

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your good advice to "Romantically Rocky," the man who wanted tips on how to be romantic with his wife, reminded me of a definition of love I learned from a woman acquaintance in New York many years ago. A life crisis had driven her to a psychotherapist to whom she complained about being "unloved." The therapist asked her to describe what being loved would be like. After some thought, my friend said that if someone really, really listened to her, THAT would be her idea of being loved.

The therapist concluded that the woman needed additional support, and insisted that her troubled client look into a self-help group. She arrived late at an address in a commercial neighborhood that had seen better days. With some apprehension she climbed a flight of dingy stairs and found her way into a room where a group of shabbily dressed people sat around a beat-up table listening intently as one of the group told his story. She was dumbstruck at observing the very definition of love she had offered her therapist, believing it could not exist. This was the first of many Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in which this woman found the healing power of a love that really, really listened and cared.

For me, this story illustrates that becoming a good listener requires no more than willingness, practice, and the kind of genuine regard for another human being one can find in AA or any Dear Abby reply. And, "Romantically Rocky" may find that one of the most seductive lines in the English language is a heartfelt, "I just love to listen to you talk!" You may use my name. -- GEORGE MARCELLE, LOS ANGELES

DEAR GEORGE: What a thought-provoking letter! I'm sure "Romantically Rocky" and many others will thank you for that astute suggestion. Although many people think romance is what happens between the sheets, I suspect that true romance is mostly what happens between the ears. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I can educate "Romantically Rocky" on how to romance his wife:

A woman loves to have little things done for her, things that say, "I thought about you today." Bring her a CD by her favorite artist for no reason except that you were thinking of her. Tuck a note in her purse saying, "Hi, I love you." Unload the dishwasher and reload it without being asked. Give her a foot massage with lotion while she watches her favorite TV show. Sit behind her on the bed and brush her hair with her favorite hairbrush. Fold the clean laundry and put it away.

Call your beloved at mid-morning and invite her to lunch. Slip a small stuffed animal in her car with a silly note. Bring her the newspaper, coffee and doughnuts when she awakens on a lazy Saturday morning. Give her a big hug when you return from work, and say, "I love you. I'm glad to have you to come home to."

Consider how many relationships would be happier if men would do just one unexpected romantic thing each day.

I'm fortunate to have a very romantic fella as my soulmate. Trust me -- any woman would appreciate these sweet gestures. Sign me ... LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT IN CINCINNATI

DEAR LOVING: Great ideas -- and they work both ways. Guys and gals, the road map is well laid out. Go for it!

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: Early last fall, my mother committed suicide. It was very hard on our family, both emotionally and financially.

Our house was full of old memories, mostly sad ones. My father could no longer bear to live there, so he moved us to Georgia from Boston where my parents had lived since before I was born. Of course, he had to change jobs. Although his new job paid better than the one he held previously, without Mom's income, times were hard. My three brothers and I had to give up many of the extras we had always taken for granted.

One of these extras was summer camp. I had gone to camp in Maine every year since I was 9. I'm now 15, and this would have been my last year to attend. Although I hated the idea of missing camp this year, there was no money for it.

In early January, an anonymous letter arrived. It seems our grandmother told her women's club about our situation. Enclosed with the letter was a cashier's check for $10,000! A member of the club felt so bad that on top of the grief for our mother, we would miss out on camp, that she wanted to help. Because of her unbelievable generosity, not only were we able to go to camp, there was money for school clothes for all of us.

I don't know who the lady was, but because of her I had the best summer of my 15 years. She and my friends at the camp are responsible for an amazing summer for which I am totally grateful.

Abby, if you print this letter, maybe that wonderful woman will read it and understand that I would thank her a million times if I could. She has confirmed my faith that there are good people in this world with kind and generous hearts.

Mom didn't mean to cause anyone any problems, and she would have wanted us to continue our summers as we had in the past. Thanks to this kindhearted stranger, we were able to do that. Sign me ... FOREVER GRATEFUL IN GEORGIA

DEAR FOREVER GRATEFUL: Indeed, there are wonderfully generous people in this world, and your "angel" is one of them. Although the newspapers and television news are filled with the misdeeds of people, along comes someone like your anonymous benefactor, and the basic goodness of mankind is reaffirmed. One day, you, in turn, will be able to pass along the kindness she showed to someone who needs a helping hand. The power of good deeds can be infinite if all who are affected by them are inspired to repeat them.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is getting married for the third time to a man who also has been married twice before. What kind of gift should I get, or can I just settle for sending my good wishes? I want to do the right thing, but I'm getting weary of "getting hit" for gifts every time she goes to the altar. -- MAGGIE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR MAGGIE: You do not have to give your sister as expensive a present as you perhaps gave at her first wedding, but you should give the happy couple a modest gift, especially if you attend the wedding. A suggestion: momogrammed towels so the new husband will not be reminded of his predecessors. Better yet, ask them what they could use.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)