DEAR ABBY: Years ago you printed a list of tips for a happy marriage. I thought they were wonderful and had them framed. My husband and I recently retired to Florida, and somehow the list was lost during the move. Could you please run it again? -- NANCY IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR NANCY: I'm pleased they meant so much to you. They certainly bear repeating, particularly on Valentine's Day, the day that celebrates love. Read on:

1. Look not for perfection in your mate. You will not find it, and it's just as well. Living with a saint could be very tiresome.

2. Let your love be stronger than your hate or anger.

3. Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break.

4. Believe the best rather than the worst. People have a way of living up or down to your opinion of them.

5. Remember that true friendship is the basis of any lasting relationship. The person you choose to marry is deserving of the courtesies and kindnesses you bestow upon your friends.

6. Practice forgiveness, for who among us hasn't needed to be forgiven?

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to you in order to reach grandparents of divorce who have been victimized by tangled state laws that make it difficult and expensive for them to visit their grandchildren if the custodial parent has moved out of state.

On Nov. 12, 1998, President Clinton signed into law a bill authored by Rep. Rob Andrews, D-N.J., that guarantees grandparents the right to visit their grandchildren anywhere in the United States, so long as a state court has provided for grandparent visitation. The law, known as the Visitation Rights Enforcement Act, requires states to recognize one another's visitation findings.

I was one of the thousands of grandparents who have experienced devastating difficulties trying to exercise my court-ordered visitation to my grandchildren. When my ex-daughter-in-law moved from New Jersey to North Carolina, I had to repeat the legal process all over again in North Carolina. I was granted visitation, but only after incurring three years of exorbitant legal fees, travel expenses and bureaucratic delay.

The Visitation Rights Enforcement Act mandates the reciprocal recognition of grandparents' rights once a state has ruled that those rights ought to exist, but please point out what this new law will not do: It will not impose a federal decision about grandparents' visitation rights on any state. The new law also does not preclude a new finding that changed circumstances or newly discovered inappropriate behavior might warrant the reversal of an earlier visitation order.

I urge grandparents to use this new law cautiously, but DO use it. -- JOSEPHINE M. D'ANTONIO, PRESIDENT OF GRANDPARENTS COUNT, CHERRY HILL, N.J.

DEAR JOSEPHINE: More than 75 percent of older Americans are grandparents. Congressman Rob Andrews advised me he sponsored the legislation because he had heard from many grandparents who had lost their relationship with their grandchildren when the state to which the custodial parent had moved would not grant visitation rights. I'm pleased to spread the news about the Visitation Rights Enforcement Act, which was designed to help frustrated grandparents keep in touch with their beloved grandchildren.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: You advised "Emotionally Bruised" to confront her mother and tell her how she felt. I, too, received a lot of criticism from my mother while growing up. I felt I couldn't do anything right. I took all the criticism out on myself. I became anorexic. It was something I knew I could do right.

I finally realized I had to talk to my mother and stop hurting myself. Believe it or not, not only did Mom listen, she also helped my husband and me financially to get treatment for my disorder.

I wish I could be in "Bruised's" shoes just one more time. I lost my mother last year to cancer. I was able to tell her how much I love her, although I don't know if she heard me. She opened her eyes one time and smiled at me. Mom brought me into this world and I watched her leave. Her nurse told me that Mom talked about me all the time, and how proud she was of me.

Avoiding your mother is a sad choice to make, especially if you haven't tried to talk. I wish my mother were here. I miss talking to her, and wish I had the chance to see and hug her again. Please don't give up. You'll have a lifetime to regret it. -- GLAD I TRIED, JOLIET, ILL.

DEAR GLAD: Your letter brought tears to my eyes. There is no single solution for dealing with emotionally abusive parents who belittle or constantly criticize their children. Sadly, some parents are emotionally dysfunctional. They may have experienced the same kind of treatment from their own parents and are "mirroring" that behavior. As one reader pointed out, those who repeatedly criticize are usually unhappy people who dislike themselves -- so they project their feelings onto their children. If they were happy, they'd be bubbling over with kind words. Those comments show keen insight.

DEAR ABBY: The letter about the "ugly" secretary and your reply reminded me of a story my secretary, "Alice," told me years ago about her son who was in the second grade.

Sonny kept coming home telling his parents how beautiful his new teacher was. Alice and her husband looked forward to meeting this beautiful teacher. The night of the PTA open house finally arrived. When they met Sonny's teacher, they were shocked to see she was a plain, somewhat elderly, woman. After they returned home, they asked their son how he could call his teacher beautiful. He replied, "Because she smiles so pretty."

Abby, may I share another anecdote with you -- this time, my own? I was a part-time food server for many years. I was thrust into my first server's position from a busboy's job when one of the servers called in sick. I was unprepared for that job and uneasy, but what could I do but follow the boss's orders?

On my second night, I had to serve a party of eight. I was terrified I'd make a mistake, but I made it through.

When the gentleman paid the bill, he told me, "You are a good server." I guess he could see my relief and surprise as I stammered a thank-you. He added, "Do you know why I said that? You smile a lot." I have always remembered that. -- ALFRED J. WILSON, SOUTHLAKE, TEXAS

DEAR ALFRED: Your anecdotes clearly illustrate the value of a smile. Thank you for sharing them. They remind me of a line from a song that Al Jolson used to sing: "I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles ..."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Patty," and her sister, "Anita," have a love-hate relationship. They can't be together for more than an hour without a major argument. Anita is usually the instigator of these loud, ugly disagreements.

My problem is, Patty feels I should confront Anita and put her in her place. I'd like to, but my feelings are so strong I'm afraid I'd have one hellacious, final argument with her and demand that she stay out of our lives forever. I'm afraid if Anita became aggressive I might hit her. I haven't hit anyone since childhood, and under normal circumstances can control my temper.

I've told Patty that although I support her, I can't do what she's asking. It has put quite a strain on our marriage. If I give in and have that final argument, I know Patty will miss her sister and want to make up with her. With that in the background, I know I wouldn't be comfortable with Anita in our home.

Should I do as my wife wishes and reprimand her sister, or tell my wife this is between her and Anita, and keep my mouth shut? -- BETWEEN THE "HATFIELDS AND MC COYS," LITTLE ROCK, ARK.

DEAR BETWEEN: Your wife is old enough and sufficiently experienced to fight her own battles. Your reasons for remaining neutral are compelling. Stay out of it.

DEAR ABBY: Last month a dear friend's husband passed away. The death notice placed in the newspaper by her son-in-law closed with, "Memorial donations to the Mary Jane Doe Educational Fund in care of John Doe appreciated."

Abby, Mary Jane is the deceased's 3-year-old granddaughter. John Doe, the deceased's son-in-law (who is a lawyer and is easily able to pay for his daughter's education), was asked, "Is the money to be used for a scholarship for a needy student?"

He answered, "No, it's for my daughter."

John Doe's mother is Jewish. So, is this a Jewish custom? -- CONFUSED IN CANADA'S CAPITAL

DEAR CONFUSED: Your letter is a first. No, it's not a Jewish custom. And the rabbi with whom I discussed your letter was as flabbergasted as I was.

DEAR ABBY: I have known and cherished "Ellen's" friendship for 36 years. We're both in our 70s now and have been corresponding regularly because we both live comfortably and well in different states. We look forward to receiving mail from each other.

However, for the last four years, Ellen's letters have been written on memo pads, odd pieces of paper or whatever appears to be available. The last one I received from her was written on three separate scraps of paper.

My letters to her have always been on pretty, matched stationery. Do you think Ellen would think I was implying she was cheap if I mailed her a box of stationery and asked her to use it to write to me? -- SICK OF SCRAPS, BILLINGS, MONT.

DEAR SICK OF SCRAPS: I have a better idea: Be subtler. Send her a lovely box of stationery with a note that says: "When I saw this, it reminded me of you and our many wonderful years of friendship -- so I thought you ought to have it."

A friendship of 36 years' duration should be more important to you than the kind of paper that sustains it across the distance.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.