DEAR ABBY: I'm the youngest of nine children. When my father passed away two years ago, I moved to northern Ohio to care for my ailing mother. I thought I was doing the family a favor.

When I moved home, I allowed my sisters to control my life as they had for the past 35 years. I finally drew the line and told them to stay away from me. I told them they could visit Mother during the day because I work full-time. (They don't have steady jobs.)

Mother has always loved me, and she knew how they were treating me. She informed them that if they didn't get off my case, she wanted nothing to do with them. This angered them even more, and they stopped calling and visiting us. It hurt my mother deeply. She changed her will, leaving me the house and furniture, and named me executor of her estate.

When mother was hospitalized, she told me not to contact my sisters, and I followed her wishes. This infuriated them, but they did begin visiting us again and calling on the phone, although I temporarily put a block on their calls so they wouldn't disturb Mother.

Please tell me what I should do to win back my sisters' love, but not allow them to control me. -- UPSET IN OHIO

DEAR UPSET: You are serving as "gatekeeper" to your mother, and it's understandably resented by other siblings. They have as much right to see and talk with her as you do. Putting a block on their calls, however well-intentioned your motives may have been, was the wrong thing to do.

You may not be able to re-establish a loving relationship with your sisters, but you could create harmony by encouraging them to visit your mother as frequently as possible. If you feel they are "controlling you," leave the premises when they come to visit.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's mother passed away last summer, leaving her husband alone. He is an alcoholic, in generally poor health, and has been in and out of the hospital. My problem is that my wife has now decided she wants him to live with us.

We have three children and a dog in our four-bedroom house. If my father-in-law moves in here, my sons, ages 7 and 13, will have to share a bedroom.

Abby, I feel that even though she asked me if it would be all right for her father to move in, it wouldn't have mattered what I said. The other evening she asked me when we were going to set up the bunk beds for the boys. My reply was that I was not happy about this and didn't want her father here. As you may guess, she's furious with me and now she won't speak to me.

I am not doing this to be mean, as she says. I believe he is a bad influence on the children. Also, my wife works nights, and that means I'll be the one who will be home with him all evening.

Am I being unreasonable? An opinion from an impartial person would be appreciated. -- ANONYMOUS IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR ANONYMOUS: No, you are not being unreasonable. Present your wife with alternatives for her father such as senior services, live-in help or a senior care facility. The two of you should be able to compromise on this issue even if the solution isn't perfect.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, I married "Earl," a man with two children. We had both been single parents for years. Earl divorced in 1982. I divorced in 1987. I have four children. Only one is still living at home, and he's in college.

Abby, every Christmas since his divorce, Earl has given his children money to buy their mother a present. I assumed he had discontinued this after we married. However, this year I discovered that Earl gave them a blank check to buy something for their mother. (Her gift wound up costing $215.)

Earl insists he's teaching them an important lesson about Christmas and giving. Abby, his children don't have to pay for college, gas, clothing, food or car insurance. They each drive a sport utility vehicle.

I don't understand the lesson he's trying to teach them, and he seems unable to explain it to me. Can you? -- HURT IN KANSAS

DEAR HURT: Old traditions die hard. Your husband has probably always "slipped" his children money to buy their mother a Christmas present. He apparently can afford it. Perhaps on some level he feels guilty about the breakup of the marriage -- or he simply may want to stay in her good graces. If he's taking good care of you, don't make an issue of it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently left our 2-year-old daughter with my mother-in-law while we went shopping. When we returned, we reclaimed our daughter and went home.

After we arrived, I noticed my mother-in-law had cut my daughter's bangs. I have been growing her bangs since she had hair, and I intended for her hair to be all one length without bangs. (I kept her hair pulled back deliberately while it was growing out.)

Abby, I am furious. I feel that as her mother I have a right to choose my daughter's hairstyle without outside interference. My husband agrees with me, but he is unwilling to speak to his mother. He says that I can "chew her out" at my peril. How should I handle this? -- EXASPERATED IN INDIANA

DEAR EXASPERATED: The nicest thing about hair is that it grows constantly. The damage isn't permanent. I agree that your mother-in-law should not have cut your daughter's bangs without your permission, but it's not worth a scene.

To prevent it from happening again, tell your mother-in-law that you're trying to grow your daughter's hair to one length, so please refrain from trimming it.

DEAR ABBY: I want to thank you for a wonderful gift you gave me. Let me explain:

When I was a small child, my father would insist that my twin sister and I read aloud to him. He'd sit us on his lap at the dining room table, and we'd each take turns reading your column aloud to him. That special time with my father was a very precious gift.

Abby, Dad is now terminally ill and doesn't have the promise of tomorrow. Your columns presented us with a golden opportunity to spend time with our father, and for that I thank you. Sign me ... BLESSED AND LOVES TO READ, LAKELAND, FLA.

DEAR BLESSED: I am touched by the use to which your father put my column, and impressed that at this difficult time you are dwelling on the happiness you shared with him. Thank you for the compliment.

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DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old daughter, "Cammie," has been seeing a 24-year-old married man for three years. They met at work, and after only a few months became lovers. He was still in college and had been married only a year.

He told Cammie he was going to treat his wife indifferently so she'd leave him. He just couldn't be the bad guy. He's an only child and depends on his parents for support. He's afraid of their reaction to a divorce, financially and emotionally.

He promised Cammie he'd move out after his wife graduated from college. Then he said he'd leave after he graduated. Then he said after he gets out of debt and after he gets a job. Well, he moved all right -- into a bigger apartment with his wife after she got pregnant.

Cammie found out about the pregnancy after I saw his wife's name in a newspaper ad for the gift registry of a local baby store. I called and confirmed the information and was told her due date is just two weeks away. This man had kept the pregnancy a secret the entire time. Cammie was going to end the affair, but relented when he cried on her shoulder about not wanting children yet, and what a nightmare this is.

Abby, his disregard for my daughter's feelings and future are astounding. It's tearing my heart out. I want Cammie to find a soul mate and build a life, not live like a prisoner, waiting to see a married man a couple of hours a week. If this affair was revealed to the wife or his parents, he'd be forced to be honest. Should I tell? -- OUTRAGED MOTHER IN OREGON

DEAR MOTHER: It's tempting to meddle, but your daughter is an adult, so I'd advise against it. Although you and I know she's wasting her time buying what this super-salesman is selling, some people have to learn the hard way, as the next letter reveals. It arrived in the same batch as yours. Perhaps reading it will help her see the light. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Maybe my experience will keep other hearts from being broken as mine was. I was involved with a married man. He swore he and his wife were breaking up; it was taking so long only because of the children. How could I have been so stupid?

It happened two years ago, but only now am I seeing clearly. Now I'm finally able to talk about it. I'm shocked how similar my experience has been to that of other women.

These men all say practically the same thing: "You make me feel alive again." (I now realize that how you feel about yourself comes from within.) "I can talk to you and you really listen." (I didn't have three small children underfoot demanding my attention.) "My wife and I have a lousy sex life." (Some even claim it's nonexistent, but their wives seem to get pregnant anyway. Immaculate conception, perhaps?)

Take it from me, ladies, what your married lover is telling you is what they all say -- and what he'll no doubt tell the next gullible woman who comes along. I was a fool. I feel guilt and sadness for the pain my actions caused my ex-lover's wife when she found out about our affair. I can only offer my heartfelt apology.

To those of you who are having affairs -- please learn from my mistakes. The pleasure is dwarfed in comparison to the pain that's inflicted on so many people. It's just not worth it. -- EX-MISTRESS IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR EX-MISTRESS: Affairs with unavailable people fail far more often than they succeed, and the damage they cause will far outlive the romance. Your letter is a wake-up call. I hope others will heed it.

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