DEAR ABBY: In less than two months, I'm to be an attendant in my best friend's wedding. There's just one problem -- I'm in love with the groom.

For the last 18 months, we have been attending the same school. His fiancee lives far away. In my opinion, he and I are perfect for each other. We make each other laugh and we have so much in common. This isn't just a crush, and I can't imagine life without him. Sometimes it seems like he has feelings for me, too. He makes comments that make me think he's torn between her and me.

Abby, should I tell him how I feel, or keep my mouth shut and fulfill my role as bridesmaid in the wedding? Please help. -- HOPELESSLY IN LOVE

DEAR HOPELESSLY: Perhaps you and the groom don't have as much in common as you seem to think. You may laugh together and have similar interests, but if he loved you as you are hoping he does, he wouldn't be going to the altar with your best friend. Trust me, if he felt as you do, he would have made it plain by now.

If you can, put your wishful thinking on the back burner, fulfill your attendant's duties and be a part of the wedding. However, if there's any chance that your feelings will surface during the wedding, beg off your commitment now so the bride will have time to replace you.

DEAR ABBY: The other day someone asked me if I remember when "Taylor," my 2-year-old daughter, loved to play with golf balls. I tried hard to remember, but the truth is I don't recall it.

About three months ago, I decided to start a journal for my daughter. In it, I tell her what's going on in her life and in mine. I have written in it every month, and it doesn't take that long to do. Taylor recently learned to spell her name, say her ABCs, and she even knows her days of the week. I'm not sure I'll remember in 20 years what she did at a specific age. This way, I'll have written it down for her to see.

I frequently ask my mom how old I was when I did this or that. She replies, "I think you were 2 or 3." I would urge parents to take the time to write a journal for each of their children. If nothing else, it will let them know how special they are to you. -- KRISTIN HAWKINS, TEXARKANA, TEXAS

DEAR KRISTIN: I'm passing your excellent idea along to mothers everywhere. The fact that your journal picks up where the average "baby book" ends is especially appealing.

DEAR ABBY: You are always looking for letters about heroes and heroines. Well, I have one for you!

My grandmother lives in a retirement home in West Palm Beach, Fla. Her name is Elsie Simon. Every day she reads the paper to the ladies there who can't read it themselves, and the high point of it is your column. Not a day goes by without her reading your words to the group, and they all look forward to it.

My grandmother has always been a giving person, and she remains so today. I think it would make her happy to read in your column that I love her and am thinking of her.

Thank you, Abby. You have done a lot of good in your work. Keep it up. -- GILBERT B. SIMON, TITUSVILLE, FLA.

DEAR GILBERT: Thank you for the compliment. Your Grandmother Elsie sounds like a peach of a woman who brightens the day for everyone who is lucky enough to know her.

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DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Repented in Oregon," I had to write. When I was a teen-ager in a small town, I, too, was promiscuous -- and for basically the same reasons. I wanted attention, and believe me, I got it! It was the wrong kind of attention, and every boyfriend I had left me.

Later in life, I grew accustomed to short-lived romances, and I dumped every love I had before he could dump me. Your advice to relocate was sad, but it was right on. I moved away, changed my name, and moved on with my life. Life hasn't always been easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

I have been happily married for 10 years and have two wonderful children. My husband knows all about my rocky past, for we have no secrets between us. I'm active in the school's PTO and am working on my bachelor's degree. I now have love and, finally, respect!

I wish "Repented" the best of luck. It does get better, life does go on, and she will be happy. -- DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS

DEAR DEEP: You have obviously done a lot of work on your emotional self, and for that I congratulate you. In order to be respected, a person must understand and respect one's self. It's sometimes a painful journey -- but it is always worth it. Read on for a letter that illustrates my point:

DEAR ABBY: "Repented in Oregon" has walked in my shoes. I married a young man from my hometown who found out about my past after we were married and had children. It's now 17 years later. We're still married, but he doesn't treat me the same as before he found out. He's not abusive, but he's also not as loving and caring as he was before. That has been painful.

My children now attend school with the children of the people I went to school with, plus all the parents who heard about me through the grapevine. The whispers never stop. I see people looking at me, then looking away. My biggest fear is that my children will find out. I don't volunteer anymore or go to many of my kids' school functions, hoping it will keep the whispers from reaching my children.

Abby, people don't forget or forgive and move on. They still see you as you were when you were a teen-ager. Please urge "Repented" to move and start over. If I'd done it, I would be a much happier person today, and not so paranoid about who I'll run into at the Little League field or at a school function.

Parents: Talk to your kids. Be involved with them and keep an open mind. If my parents had been there for me, I know I would have been a different person. -- IN ENDLESS PAIN, ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR IN ENDLESS PAIN: I have received a barrage of letters from readers who felt I should have advised "Repented" to stay where she was -- and over time, "show" her community by her example that she has changed. Your letter is a poignant illustration that it doesn't always work -- and for that, you have my sympathy.

There is no reason why the ugly gossip of small-minded people should force you to hide or refrain from being active in your community. I may sound like a broken record, but counseling can help you rebuild your self-esteem. People have reasons that drive them to do what they do. They sometimes look for love in self-destructive ways. You don't deserve the treatment you're receiving, but before you can expect the community to forgive you, you must first forgive yourself.

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DEAR ABBY: I have never written a letter to a column in my entire life, but I was infuriated over the answer you gave "Repented in Oregon" about her tarnished reputation. (I'm assuming it must be a female because males don't get bad reputations for promiscuity.)

I was once a "tarnished teen" with low self-esteem. I find it ridiculous that you'd say it would be more effective to start over elsewhere. Isn't that considered running away from your problems? I didn't need to move to a new location to get the respect I now have and deserve.

Not that it was an easy road. It took a long time to learn to love and respect myself. My advice to "Repented" would be, "Believe in yourself." -- AVID READER

DEAR AVID READER: It will please you to know that I have been bombarded with mail from readers who disagreed with my answer. Many said that since the girl has repented, the matter is now between her and God, and she should hold her head up with pride and ride it out. Read on for a letter that shows particular insight:

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Repented" was sexist and old-fashioned. The reality is that none of us would like to be judged by what we did when we were younger. All of us have done things that we regret, but our lives go on. Those who condemn us for our past actions are not behaving with compassion and should be ignored.

George Sand said, "There are no more thorough prudes than those who have some little secret to hide." I know this to be true. After I was raped, I was promiscuous for a year. I refused to acknowledge what had happened to me or what I was doing to myself. After I married, I began acting like a prude, judging others, spreading malicious gossip and acting the part of a chaste woman. But deep down I hated myself.

I finally went into therapy. Although I'm not proud of what I did all those years ago, I understand now that I was surviving the only way I knew how. I now feel more regret for how I treated others when I gossiped and judged than about my past promiscuous behavior. I'm a different person than I was years ago; I feel compassion for others. I'm finally free of self-loathing.

Your advice sounded like "Repented" should feel shame for her past. Our society holds women by a different standard than men. I find it hard to believe she's the only person in that community who has done something she regrets. If people treat her badly, she should remember that it says more about who they are than who she is. -- FORGAVE MYSELF, GREAT FALLS, MONT.

DEAR FORGAVE MYSELF: If my advice sounded like "Repented" should feel shame for her past, it was not intentional. She has my sympathy. If she wishes to remain where she is -- and people can see that she has changed her lifestyle -- she may eventually rebuild her reputation. But it will take a long time, and she said that she is now practically friendless.

I thought she was asking how to start over. That is why I told her that starting over in a new location would be easier, faster and probably more effective.

Readers, I'll print more on this subject tomorrow.

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