DEAR ABBY: I was shocked by how you missed the boat regarding "Ex-Mistress in Chicago's" purported plea for forgiveness for her adultery. "Ex-Mistress" went to great lengths to point out how she was lied to and strung along, and how she didn't get what she wanted out of the affair, before she finally offered a clearly insincere apology to the wife of her ex-lover for the pain caused by the wife finding out about the affair.

Infidelity is wrong, Abby. It's not wrong because it didn't give the cheater what she wanted, or because a wronged spouse found out about it. It's the act itself that's wrong. The pain caused to the innocent parties involved, or the perpetrator's disappointment with the results, is merely a foreseeable byproduct of this wrong.

You had an opportunity to point this out to "Ex-Mistress" and the many morally challenged dimwits like her, and you missed it. -- DAVE IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR DAVE: Everybody knows that infidelity is wrong. If it hadn't been occurring since before Moses climbed Mount Sinai, it wouldn't have been mentioned in the Ten Commandments. That it's still going on today should be a clue that many people consider themselves "exceptions" to the rule. Condemning infidelity as "wrong" will turn fewer people from infidelity than illustrating for them that it does not work. "Ex-Mistress in Chicago's" letter was a clear example. Read on for another:

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from the woman who fell into the trap of a married man. It happened to me, too. I was 21 and recovering from a very difficult divorce, trying to adjust to the fact I'd be raising a child alone. I felt I'd never be happy again, when I was introduced to "John."

John was brilliant, outgoing, handsome and very wealthy. He wined and dined me like I never dreamed possible. A couple of weeks after meeting me, he flew his private jet to Florida where I was visiting my parents and took me to a fabulous restaurant. I fell head over heels. He surprised me with a beautiful diamond bracelet for my birthday and made countless promises over the months. He kept the fact he was married a secret. By the time I found out, I was too much in love to break it off. We lived in different states, so it was easy for him to keep things hidden.

One night, I invited "Cynthia," one of my girlfriends, to join us for dinner. We had a great time, and enjoyed many other outings together with her and her boyfriend. This lasted a year and a half, until things with John began to fall apart. Last weekend I found out that Cynthia had gone away skiing with John. My heart is crushed. I've never been so hurt in my life. I love John more than life itself, but apparently he doesn't feel the same. I'm in tears as I type this, Abby.

Please print this so maybe they'll read it and see the damage they have caused. Please help me. -- DROWNING IN TEARS

DEAR DROWNING: The damage they have caused you? If you think you're hurting, imagine how John's wife must feel as the wife of a serial philanderer. You're learning a tough lesson, my dear. Your affair with John reminds me of the frog who was asked by a scorpion to ferry it across the river on its back. "No," the frog replied. "If I take you, you'll sting me and I'll die." The scorpion swore a solemn oath that he would not sting, so the frog started to take him across the river. When they reached the middle, the scorpion stung the frog viciously. "Why did you sting me?" cried the dying frog. "Now we'll both die." The scorpion replied, "It's my nature!"

The next time you find out a man is married, do the intelligent thing: Disengage your heart and run in the opposite direction.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 31 years old and have been healthy all my life -- or so I thought.

I have annual physical examinations and PAP smears. I trusted my doctor to let me know about any abnormal test results and thought that "No news is good news." Well, I don't think that way anymore.

Last April, I had a physical, and because I heard nothing from my doctor, I assumed everything was OK. However, in July, I had a minor problem and called for an appointment. My regular doctor couldn't take me so I was seen by another doctor in the same group.

The new doctor asked why I hadn't returned for my "pinch biopsy." I was startled -- remember: No news is good news. My doctor had failed to notify me that my PAP smear showed level-three dysplastic cells on my cervix. It seems that for three years, my PAP smears had shown precancerous cells, but the test results had been simply filed in my chart and nothing was said to me about them!

I was frightened and angry that this had slipped by my doctor. What is the annual exam for, if not to catch such things at an early stage?

Biopsies were done the next day and surgery was scheduled for two weeks later. Part of my cervix was removed to eliminate the precancerous cells, but the new doctor warned me that the cells may appear again in the future. He said I would PROBABLY be able to get pregnant and carry a baby to term.

Abby, I wonder what would have happened to me had I not had that minor problem that caused me to see another doctor? Would my regular doctor have caught the oversight at some point or would the reports have remained unnoticed in my file? His negligence could have cost me my life!

I now have a new doctor.

Abby, please warn your readers not to buy into the adage that no news is good news and to call their doctors for test results. Ignorance of the results could cost a life while knowledge of them could literally save one. -- LUCKY IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR LUCKY: You are indeed fortunate that your condition was discovered before it became life-threatening.

In these days of managed medical care, doctors are seeing far more patients than they used to -- and many of them expect their patients to be more sophisticated and responsible about their health than a generation ago. And part of that means shouldering the responsibility to CALL THE DOCTOR for test results instead of waiting to be notified. Your letter illustrates how important it is to take the initiative.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Easter will soon be here, and although I've cautioned you before, I must caution you again: If you plan to surprise a child with a live rabbit, baby duck or chick, please consider that living creatures need proper care. Unless you are absolutely certain that the little creature will receive the care it needs to survive, please give a stuffed bird or animal instead. Regardless of how cute baby animals are, they should not be given to children on impulse.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been the principal of an elementary school for four years, and for the most part have been able to keep my cool except during those noisy lunch hours in the cafeteria.

Every January, our school takes part in a "Bound for Literacy" promotion to encourage reading. The promotion is usually capped off by (who else?) the principal kissing a pig, eating worms or some other bit of nonsense to honor the students attaining a reading goal. This year, my husband and daughter -- a fifth-grader at the school -- suggested a stunt to literally "tie in" with the promotion's name. I agreed to spend a lunch hour (two sessions) bound and gagged in a chair in the cafeteria if the student body read a total of 2,000 books. Of course, I knew they would reach that goal, so I had to gear myself for the noise I'd have to contend with on the appointed day. It would be a deafening racket.

Friday, Jan. 29, was the big day. Just before lunch, several PTA mothers armed with a bundle of jump ropes bound me securely, taped my mouth and hoisted me into a chair on a raised platform in the cafeteria. Then the children filed in. Of course, they giggled and waved -- but to my astonishment, the kids in both sessions were so quiet you could hear a spoon drop. I was amazed! One of the older children later told me, "We didn't want to take advantage of you while you were all tied up."

The following Monday, the noise levels returned to normal in the cafeteria. I have no desire to spend lunch hours bound and gagged -- but I have acquired a new tolerance for lunchtime noise, and I have definitely gained added respect for my pupils. -- BOUND FOR LITERACY, ABINGTON, PA.

DEAR "BOUND": After the "sacrifice" you made, I'm sure the respect is reciprocated. Not only are your students' strides toward literacy laudable, their exhibition of fair play is admirable. My congratulations to them.

DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you, but for a number of decades I have frequently read and enjoyed your column. I have even quoted you to patients occasionally. I am now a retired psychiatrist.

I am sufficiently appalled by your answer to "Devastated in New York" -- the woman with the cheating fiance -- to write to you. Heaven help her if she does "proceed with caution" as you advised. She is almost sure to become an abused wife, emotionally if no other way.

My answer would be much more along the lines of: "Trust? Are you serious? This man has lied to you not once but innumerable times over the last year and a half. (Since you say you 'recently discovered' his liaison, I assume he didn't come to you to present this as a problem.) People who habitually lie don't stop. Count yourself exceedingly lucky to have made this discovery now and not later. Any love you feel is left over from the romantic time during which you thought you had a relationship. You will get over it. He is a loser. Do not hesitate to lose him."

I hope you publish some "second thoughts" on your answer. -- HERTA SILZER, M.D., BERKELEY, CALIF.

DEAR DR. SILZER: Not only have I had second thoughts about my answer, but I also realize it did not convey what the young woman needed to hear.

Your answer is better than mine, and I hope "Devastated in New York" sees it.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)