DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a woman for two months. "Sally" seems like a great match for me in a lot of ways. She has all of the qualities that I look for, and I can see a future with her. We're taking things slow because she's in the middle of a divorce and also for the reason I am about to relate.

For the past three years I have been spending time with several children with HIV/AIDS. I take them out weekly to parks, movies, etc., and visit them in the hospital when they're sick. Some of their parents passed away or are sick, so it is important that they have a "big brother" to make them feel special and expose them to different things.

Sally is a very caring person and respects what I do, but she's scared to death to be intimate with me because she thinks I am at risk of getting the virus myself and then she would get it. She read that you can get HIV through saliva. I take precautions when I'm with the children, and if they get cut, I have gloves and bandages with me at all times.

I am going to ask Sally to consult with some experts on the disease, and then I thought I'd write to you to see what you think. If she can't get over this fear, we may both miss out on what could be something special. -- "BILLYBOB" IN N.J.

DEAR "BILLYBOB": One cannot get AIDS from spending time with children with AIDS. Insist that Sally talk to a doctor with you so that she can put this fear to rest.

DEAR ABBY: I hope it's not too late to offer a suggestion to "Looking for Privacy," whose in-laws copied their house key and used it as they saw fit. DO NOT key the locks on all your doors alike. With an attached garage, I changed the lock on only the garage side door and gave that key to my in-laws to keep. However, they do not have the key to get into my home from the garage; I leave that door unlocked only if I EXPECT them.

Sound controlling? Perhaps, but I realized that if my mother-in-law had no qualms about barging into our bedroom and jumping into our bed (so we could all snuggle and watch TV), there were no measures too extreme to ensure our privacy from some people. The intrusions into our privacy forced me to face the fact that this type of situation only gets worse with time. I love my in-laws, but any attempt to gently discuss this type of subject resulted only in wounded feelings. Some people just don't "get it," so do what you have to do. -- MRS. JONES, ANYWHERE, U.S.A.

DEAR MRS. JONES: No need to apologize or to discuss it. Your thinking is A-OK.

DEAR ABBY: What do you say to people when they are nosy enough to ask, "Isn't it about time you had kids?" if you aren't planning on having any? -- ON THE SPOT, SAUK RAPIDS, MINN.

DEAR ON THE SPOT: You don't have to answer every question that is asked. Just tune them out. If it was any of their business, they would KNOW!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Time to Move On" was right on! Her statement, "Remember the real clutter is IN HER HEAD," sums up my 20 years of observing chronically disorganized people.

I have come to the conclusion that disorganization is always a symptom of something else going on in the disorganized person's life. From hidden health problems to grief over the loss of a loved one, from political sniping at work to power struggles at home, and from a sense of helplessness, the amount, quantity and -- would you believe? -- the shape of the mess signifies what is really going on. Sometimes it's relatively simple, but many times it requires treatment at the root, not just a straightening up of the "symptom."

Many beginning organizers call me for advice, and I always caution them to take classes in psychology, and then refer difficult cases to a therapist or counselor. Much harm can be done by untrained people who don't understand why people "experience panic attacks as I peel away ... clutter" (to paraphrase from "Time to Move On").

Please tell any of your readers who may be disorganized that the clutter won't budge until the underlying reason for it is discovered. -- LIZ THE ORGANIZER IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR LIZ: You said a mouthful! However, not all of the mail I have received was supportive of "Time to Move On." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I can understand the distress of "Distraught Husband" who has to live along with his wife's mess, but I am not sympathetic when "Time to Move On" describes tackling her mother's house and its "three decades of clutter." Why would a daughter put an elderly woman through panic attacks to satisfy her own sense of orderliness?

My mom acknowledges her obsession with keeping five-plus decades of items. Her house is stuffed with objects, making most of the rooms unlivable. But as long as she's comfortable and safe, has her garden to putter in, and her countless unfinished craft projects to return to when she wishes -- who is the clutter harming?

We tried to tackle some of the clutter when my dad was alive. We kids, all adult, finally decided that our mother's remaining years need not be made more difficult by clearing out the house, and we would not raise her blood pressure or endanger her health by doing it over her objections. We'll have plenty of time to do it when she's no longer with us. -- THE THREE KIDS, OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR KIDS: Since your attempts to make your mother's house more "livable" endangered her health, you were probably right to stop. However, you "kids" would have been well advised to alert your mother's physician about what was going on, because he or she could have been helpful. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Time" told how she "uncluttered" her mother's house and said it was not appreciated by her mother. Abby, there is a very good chance that her mother suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder, and that's the reason she found the uncluttering so distressful. A trained therapist and medication might be just what the mother needs. -- OCD PATIENT, LEHIGH VALLEY, PA.

DEAR OCD PATIENT: That's helpful advice. Hoarding can become an addiction, like alcohol and drugs. It's a problem that is resolvable, but only if the person is willing to admit to the problem and do something about it.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Frustrated Doc, Utica, N.Y." who's looking for some explanation as to "why insurance companies employ people to handle claims in subjects about which they are not knowledgeable." As a fellow physician and medical director for Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota, our state's oldest and largest health plan, I believe I can offer some insight.

For starters, customer service representatives for health insurance companies do not make medical policy decisions; however, as the first point of contact for health-care consumers, they often answer questions about plan benefits. In addition, customer service representatives navigate what is often a complex health-care system. For this, they should be commended.

To address "Frustrated Doc's" concerns about who makes policy decisions for a health plan, let me briefly explain the process: At Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota, as is the case at many health plans across the country, decisions about what is covered or not covered are made by a panel of physicians and health-care experts. Decisions are based on solid, reliable, peer-reviewed, published medical research results.

Health plans are committed to paying for treatments that have been rigorously proven for their safety, efficacy and reliability. New treatments that have been tested only on a few patients at one academic institution shouldn't be covered until much more study is done. Fen/phen is a classic example of well-intentioned, but poorly researched medical therapy that, when unleashed prematurely, can have profoundly devastating effects.

If patients are not satisfied with decisions regarding specific treatments, I would encourage them to appeal the decisions through their health plans. Customer service representatives can provide information about the appeals process. -- JAMES WOODBURN, M.D., MEDICAL DIRECTOR, BLUE CROSS AND BLUE SHIELD OF MINNESOTA

DEAR DR. WOODBURN: Thank you for taking the time to address the concerns of "Frustrated Doc in Utica." Although I heard from many claims administrators, nurses and patients, you are the only insurance executive who responded to the question. Please read on for a slightly different perspective:

DEAR ABBY: May I comment on the letter from "Frustrated Doc"? As a pharmacist, I see the medical profession developing a new dimension -- generating reports and filling out insurance forms. Often attention is diverted to completion of a form. Believe me, there is nothing uniform in claims submission. Imagine 31 ways of submitting a claim for a prescription. (Or suturing a finger and completing a claims report.)

On Dec. 31, 1998, PCS (a prescription card) canceled all prescription coverage for federal employees for one day. I could fill a thick book with similar experiences.

Perhaps the next time your readers have a prescription filled, they will understand why the pharmacist has his attention centered on an insurance claim, or the reason you see six to 10 people in a doctor's office struggling with claims.

Members of the medical profession would be happy to spend their time working with patients and skip the insurance claims -- but we have families to feed.

If you can get this message to one insurance company or HMO, my time will have been justified in writing this. -- ARTHUR BOHLMANN, R.PH., HOOKER, OKLA.

DEAR ARTHUR: You have presented a compelling argument for standardized claim forms throughout the health-care industry. If they existed, what is now a tedious effort could be simplified -- saving many hours of duplicated effort, as well as the equivalent cost in dollars.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)