DEAR ABBY: My family attends a local church, and we have made many friends within this congregation. However, there is one family in this congregation who wears out the welcome mat at our home, and I don't know how to handle it without making enemies.

For Memorial Day, we were having a picnic in our back yard with some friends. "Mr. Uninvited" drove by and, seeing that we had guests, "stopped in" and invited himself for dinner after asking, "What do you have for me to drink?" When a beer was offered, he responded, "Oh, this cheap brand -- don't you have anything else?"

It upsets me that he has the nerve to invite himself when it is obvious that we're having company and he was not invited. I would never do that to him. Then, the insults we hear if we're serving only hamburgers and hot dogs and not having surf and turf, really put the icing on the cake. He always comes "empty-handed," which does not improve the situation.

This is a family of four. The father and son are the worst offenders. They are a middle-class family, like us, so it's not a case of "he won't eat tonight if I don't feed him." In addition, they have never once invited us to their home.

I have on several occasions made remarks, trying to drop the hint that they are not welcome to barge into my home on all occasions, but he just doesn't "get it." I don't want to make an enemy, but I cannot tolerate his rudeness anymore. Any suggestions? -- NEEDS HELP WITH THE VISITORS

DEAR NEEDS HELP: I've often said, "If people take advantage of you once, shame on them -- if it happens more than once, shame on YOU."

You are being imposed upon, and it will continue until you take a firm stand. The next time the freeloader drops by when you are entertaining, say: "It's not convenient to have you visit us now. We'll see you another time."

If it costs you a friendship, you haven't lost much.

DEAR ABBY: I was very disappointed in the advice you gave "Brokenhearted in Lake Forest, Ill." You advised her to put a rubber band around her wrist and snap it each time she thought about her ex-boyfriend because the pain inflicted on her wrist would distract her from the pain in her heart.

Abby, I work with a population of people who use this approach to the pain in their lives. They cut on themselves to take away their mental pain. It becomes very addictive and they cannot stop doing it.

A snap of a rubber band to remove the other pain is alarmingly close. It can lead to further self-abuse or mutilation.

Please offer the woman better advice: to take a long walk, deep breaths, hot baths, or to count the many things she has to be thankful for! -- BRENDA HENDERSON, CORVALLIS, ORE., MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION

DEAR BRENDA: Although the rubber band technique is a very old one for behavior modification, the letters I have received from you and several people who identified themselves as "cutters" were eye-openers. While the majority of people are not masochistic, in the future I'll recommend positive, rather than negative, reinforcement.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently watched a country music award given to two men. The first to speak hogged the mike, gabbed about his sick child at home, thanked everyone in the music business and then invited his partner to speak. As the other man approached the mike, the first remembered he hadn't thanked his wife, shouldered his way back in and droned on about how many years they had been together, yadda-yadda-yadda.

The partner looked sad as the music came up and they went to commercial. I felt angry that he wasn't acknowledged and didn't get to say a word or two. It happens so often, I wanted to comment.

At every Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, etc., award ceremony, every double or group award has one windbag who grabs the mike, tells his kids to go to bed and thanks everyone from his kindergarten teacher to his mailman while the others wait patiently until the allotted time runs out. It hurts to see the pained expressions on the faces of the partners whose finest hour is ruined by a selfish, egotistical microphone hog.

Since we know we can't teach them to be considerate and to share, maybe the awards committee could make new rules that would stifle the selfish windbags and eliminate those endlessly long programs. What do you think? -- RUTH W., VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

DEAR RUTH: Take a bow. You deserve a standing ovation for saying what a great many members of a captive audience have long been thinking. In the days of vaudeville, a long-handled hook was used to remove lingering performers from the stage.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Frustrated," who was looking for an alternative to a religious wedding ceremony, may I suggest secular Humanist clergy?

I am a Humanist minister from the Humanist Society of Friends whose celebrants, ministers, chaplains, counselors and pastors are all secular Humanists. You can find us throughout the United States and Canada. For details, your readers can call the American Humanist Association toll-free number: (800) 743-6646, or e-mail them at humanism@juno.com.

I have performed nonreligious weddings, funerals and naming ceremonies since 1963, when I first obtained my license from the state of Ohio to solemnize marriages. My state license is identical to that of any other clergy. -- DR. RICK RICKARDS, CLEVELAND

DEAR DR. RICKARDS: Thank you for pointing this out. After I printed that letter, I was flooded with letters from readers telling me that Humanist celebrants function the same way members of traditional clergy do -- with one exception: They are nontheists.

Many people also wrote to remind me that Unitarian Universalist ministers are also willing to perform ceremonies without reference to God. The telephone number of the Unitarian Universalist Association is (617) 742-2100. Their Web address is: www.uua.org/main.html.

To all of you who took the time to write, thank you for the input.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Stuart" decried what he felt was the tragic rebirth of bigotry today, here and elsewhere. Whenever I hear about intolerance, I'm reminded of an old poem. (I do not know the author.) It made me think. Perhaps it will touch one of your other readers as well. -- GEORGE R. GOLDIE IV, OXNARD, CALIF.

DEAR GEORGE: The poem is long, but it's well worth space in this column. Read on:

THE COLD WITHIN

Six humans trapped in happenstance

In dark and bitter cold,

Each one possessed a stick of wood,

Or so the story's told.

Their dying fire in need of logs

The first woman held hers back,

For of the faces around the fire,

She noticed one was black.

The next man looking across the way

Saw not one of his church,

And couldn't bring himself to give

The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes

He gave his coat a hitch,

Why should his log be put to use,

To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought

Of the wealth he had in store,

And how to keep what he had earned,

From the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man's face bespoke revenge

As the fire passed from sight,

For all he saw in his stick of wood

Was a chance to spite the white.

The last man of this forlorn group

Did naught except for gain,

Giving only to those who gave,

Was how he played the game.

The logs held tight in death's still hands

Was proof of human sin,

They didn't die from the cold without,

They died from the cold within.

DEAR ABBY: I am a mammographer. I do screening and diagnostic mammograms for a living. I have a problem that seems to bother me more and more each day. I am asked several times a day, "Is this all you do, ALL DAY LONG?"

I find this question extremely irritating. I save lives. I have to bite my tongue to prevent sarcasm. Abby, how would you respond? -- FRUSTRATED AND UNAPPRECIATED

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I would just say "yes." And I'd add with a smile: "Isn't it wonderful that we have this life-saving technology? Before we had the miracle of mammography, cases of breast cancer usually went undiagnosed until it was too late."

But don't be angry or sarcastic about a question that is asked out of ignorance.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)