DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Bored in Roanoke, Va.," the twice-divorced man who asked for your help in changing his life, prompts this letter. Please pass this message on to him:

DEAR BORED: No one "finds" happiness. Happiness is not to be found in another person, place or thing. Happiness comes from within. The first thing you need to do is change your thinking about being "middle-aged" in your 40s. I'm 63 and find it hard to think of myself as "middle-aged" -- much less the senior citizen I really am.

Attitudes are learned. You can learn to think of others instead of thinking of yourself all the time. No one is going to "make" you happy. You will not find a happy person until you, yourself, are happy. Like attracts like. Always act interested in others. Find out all you can about the person you are with. Do good things for others and soon you'll feel good about yourself.

Be thankful each day: thankful you live in America, thankful for your health, your family, your friends, your job, your home and your pet(s). Look around you. Smile. It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Life is wonderful if you THINK it's wonderful, and it stinks if you think it stinks. Most of your story hasn't been written yet, and the end is up to you. Make it happen. -- SHIRLEY IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR SHIRLEY: With an attitude like yours, I'm sure you're a force to be reckoned with and the center of a large circle of friends. People love the company of those who make them feel good about themselves.

Many readers wanted to reach out and help "Bored in Roanoke." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Didn't anything ring a bell with you when "Bored in Roanoke" said he didn't enjoy life and could not find happiness anymore? Those are strong statements. Possibly this man should seek help from a professional to determine whether or not he's suffering from depression. Those two statements show that the man clearly has met two of the criteria for depression. Depression is terribly scary, very dark, and deeper than the deepest. If that's where he is, he doesn't have to stay there, and he should know it. -- LIZ IN SOLON, IOWA

DEAR LIZ: You are a caring woman. I agree with you that if "Bored's" symptoms persist, medical help is indicated. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Bored" may also want to find a divorce support group in the Roanoke area. Many people do not realize that people who have been through a divorce need to go through a grieving process for their lost relationship, and may need help in rebuilding their self-esteem. Without help and support, many divorced people shut down emotionally to avoid possible future hurt.

Many communities have divorce support groups, often through a local church. These are NOT dating groups, but opportunities to connect with others who understand the needs of divorced people. It is vital that we heal ourselves before getting involved in new relationships. -- MARTHA IN GRANTS PASS, ORE.

DEAR MARTHA: Thank you for the helpful input. I'm sure it will be of interest to many people. Support and empathy can do wonders in healing a broken heart.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a well-known surgeon, and we have two beautiful children together. One morning we awoke and made love.

Then he went off to the hospital and I left to do some errands. When I returned later in the day I was shocked to find that our house had been burglarized -- the furniture, artwork, electronic equipment had all been taken.

I called my husband's office to tell him the bad news, and his receptionist told me my husband was not available and gave me the number of his attorney. When I called the lawyer, I was told to come to the office to sign some settlement papers -- there was a check for $20,000 waiting for me that I could have if I agreed to give up custody of the children. When I called my husband's parents, who are prominent people in this community, they urged me to take it and leave the state so my husband could have a happy life with a new wife. Needless to say, I was in shock.

When I tried to hire a lawyer to represent me, I discovered that my credit cards had been revoked and our bank accounts had been cleaned out.

Abby, I never saw this coming. Do you think I'm right to stay and fight for my children? -- IN SHOCK AND HEARTBROKEN

DEAR IN SHOCK AND HEARTBROKEN: You have my respect for deciding to fight for your children against such odds, and I hope you prevail. Your husband must be a brilliant surgeon to have amputated a beating heart and left the subject viable enough for a custody battle.

Your unfortunate predicament demonstrates how important it is for a married woman to have credit and sole access to a sum of money to tide her over in case of the sudden death of a spouse or, God forbid, desertion. It's one of today's realities.

DEAR ABBY: "R.I.P'd Off in Walla Walla, Wash." complained that his father's grave has only a military marker and no gravestone. He also stated that the marker was sinking. He felt the fact that his father didn't have a gravestone was a sign of disrespect, but was unsure about approaching his mother about it.

Abby, the bronze marker he referred to was provided by the Department of Veterans Affairs. Those markers are attractive. When my mother passed away, we purchased a bronze marker for her that matches those of my father and brother -- both veterans.

If the marker is indeed sinking, he should contact the caretakers of the cemetery. They are responsible for assuring that the grounds and markers within the cemetery are properly cared for. When a marker is out of adjustment, it is their job to reset it properly. Sign me ... A VETERAN IN ARIZONA

DEAR VETERAN: A number of veterans wrote to tell me that the bronze marker provided by the VA is a type of gravestone, and one which "R.I.P'd Off" should be proud to have adorn his father's final resting place. Thank you for pointing out that the responsibility for maintaining the gravesite belongs to the cemetery caretakers, including resetting the markers when necessary.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, the most beautiful woman in the world came into my life. I'll call her "Mary." We dated for seven months before she started asking for a proposal. I happily agreed, and in 1993 we were married.

Two years later, she convinced me that we should buy a house. A year after that, she said she wanted to have cats in our home. I don't care too much for cats, but I gave in to two cats.

Then she started yearning for children. When we married, we both realized that she could not get pregnant. So she began inquiring into adoption. I wasn't too fond of the idea of bringing a child into our home when we knew little about its medical or psychiatric history. Again, to make her happy, I agreed. Now don't get me wrong -- not a day goes by that I don't look at my son and thank God for him.

Then Mary wanted to help us get ahead financially. We both agreed that she would be the one to return to college, since we could not afford to lose my income and my study habits are not great. So we struggled for two years to put her through school.

After a while, Mary started going out with her friends from school for a few hours. Then the outings turned into all-nighters. Keep in mind, my son and I were at home while she was out partying with money we couldn't afford. Eventually she confessed to me that she'd had a fling with a guy she met. I forgave her by telling her that six years was too much time to throw away over one mistake.

Two months ago, she told me she doesn't want to be married anymore. She moved in with her mother. We alternate weeks with our son, but he has trouble staying with her. Part of the reason may be that she yells at him for every little thing he does wrong. He's only 5 years old.

Two days ago, she informed me that she's moving to Florida for an opportunity to attend school and have a good job. Mary does not want our son to come with her. In fact, she says she doesn't want him at all. Sometimes she says she wishes she could take him back to the agency.

Abby, I gave my wife everything she wanted -- a house, an education, a son and plenty more. Now she's leaving me high and dry to cope with the responsibilities of paying the bills and being a parent. So much for deadbeat fathers.

Care to offer any advice? -- DESERTED IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR DESERTED: Only this, and it's offered with my sympathy for the treatment you have received from this immature and self-centered woman. The house will appreciate in value, and the emotional and psychic gratification you will receive from raising your son are priceless. If you can let Mary go without bitterness, you will be the winner in the long run. And please, consider counseling for both you and your son to help you through the heartbreak in the aftermath of this desertion.

DEAR ABBY: Is the mother of the bride supposed to ride with the bride in the limo on the way to the ceremony, or should I drive myself? -- THERESA IN VERNON, CONN.

DEAR THERESA: Ride in the limo with your daughter, dear lady. You deserve a little pampering.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)