DEAR ABBY: I am the parent of an adult man who has Down syndrome. He has many opportunities to be part of the community in addition to his job -- parties, weddings, going to stores, restaurants, movies, church.

The problem? When we are greeting people or leaving an event, complete strangers will shake hands with everyone else but hug my adult son. They do not hug anyone else. However, they think it is just fine to hug him because he is "different."

PLEASE, well-meaning folks, we parents and teachers and social workers work very hard so that our retarded adults can be accepted, productive members of the community. More important, though, is our real concern for their safety. We teach them to shake hands and greet others like "normal" people do. To be hugged by strangers is neither safe nor acceptable social behavior in our society. This behavior further sets our adult children apart as "they" and "people like that" when acceptance and inclusion is what is needed. It also confuses what we have been trying to teach.

Give them a job rather than a hug! Is it safe for your children to hug strangers? Do you hug strangers? It isn't safe for my son either! So please, smile, shake his hand and make him feel welcome. That will do more for him than a hug that diminishes his chances for safe independence in the world.

Abby, I believe I speak for many parents of retarded adults, as we have discussed this problem often. Thank you for getting this message out for all of us. -- CONCERNED MOTHER

DEAR CONCERNED: You have made your point, and I hope the well-meaning but patronizing huggers will get the message: It isn't acceptable to hug people you don't know. Inappropriate hugging sets a bad example. If the retarded adult imitates that behavior and initiates the hug, it could be misunderstood as sexually motivated.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife's brother has cancer and lives in another state. He has asked that I be a pallbearer at his funeral. My live-in girlfriend says there is no way that I should agree to do it. She thinks this is a plot that my ex-wife has hatched to be close to me.

Although I divorced my "ex," I still like her family and they like me.

My girlfriend says that since I am divorced, I should have nothing to do with any of my former in-laws or friends that we both share. I feel that it should be OK for me to talk with my ex-in-laws every now and then, and to see mutual friends as long as my ex-wife isn't the main topic of conversation. I think my girlfriend should trust me enough to let me talk without making accusations.

By the way, Abby, I have never cheated on my ex-wife or my girlfriend, but my girlfriend's ex-husband did cheat on her. She also played around a little on her ex-husband before they separated. What do you think? -- ANYONE, ANYWHERE, U.S.A.

DEAR ANYONE, ANYWHERE: I think you should be a pallbearer for your former brother-in-law, if it is in your heart to do so. I also think you should consider moving your live-in girlfriend out -- unless, of course, you want a lifetime with this insecure and controlling woman.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I read your column faithfully and hope you'll print my letter for public awareness. Two years ago I met the man who would "sweep me off my feet." When I asked him what he did for a living, he said, "I am a certified chimney sweep."

Although I always "knew" that people who have fireplaces or wood stoves need to have their chimneys cleaned, I never realized that chimney sweeps save lives every day!

Many homeowners and landlords are unaware that chimneys -- or ANY heating systems -- need to be inspected every year.

With new heating technology, furnace appliances are more efficient. They put less heat up the chimney and more into the home, causing condensation that can damage a chimney at a remarkable rate. This can create blockages, water and structural damage to the home, as well as carbon monoxide poisoning.

Homeowners can check for many of these things by looking in the bottom of their chimney. If there is any debris or flaking inside, if they can't see to the top with a flashlight, if there are water stains or missing bricks, the homeowner should contact a certified chimney sweep to inspect the venting system. These professionals have the training to properly install, replace and repair venting systems to meet national codes for safety, and they are qualified to give the best and safest solutions to homeowners and their families. -- SWEPT OFF MY FEET IN PA.

DEAR SWEPT: Thank you for wanting to educate others about a danger many of us face without being aware of it. Homeowners, if you observe any of these warning signs, please contact a certified sweep and have your venting system inspected before you light your next fire (renters should contact their landlords). A certified chimney sweep is usually as close as your telephone directory.

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a group called "The Ya-Yas," who asked you to provide some words on friendship. I would like to submit a quote from Stephen E. Ambrose's book "Comrades" (Simon and Schuster, 1999). In his book, the author describes friendships between brothers, peers, father and son, combat buddies and others.

This quote is from the chapter on Lewis and Clark: "Friendship is different from all other relationships. Unlike acquaintanceship, it is based on love. Unlike lovers and married couples, it is free of jealousy. Unlike children and parents, it knows neither criticism nor resentment. Friendship has no status in law. Business partnerships are based on a contract. So is marriage. Parents are bound by the law, as are children. But friendship is freely entered into, freely given, freely exercised.

"Friends never cheat each other, or take advantage, or lie. Friends do not spy on one another, yet they have no secrets. Friends glory in each other's successes and are downcast by the failures. Friends minister to each other, nurse each other. Friends give to each other, worry about each other, stand always ready to help. Perfect friendship is rarely achieved, but at its height it is an ecstasy." -- WILLIAM FRITTS, TEMECULA, CALIF.

DEAR WILLIAM: That's a terrific quote, and I'm sure it will be appreciated by more people than the Ya-Yas. The most precious gift one person can offer another is a hand outstretched in friendship.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers are so nosy they're driving me crazy. When I go into my boss's office to talk to him, my co-workers pump me with remarks like, "Oh, you had to talk with the boss," in an effort to get me to disclose the reason for the conference. When I am at the copier, these busybodies pop over to the copier to see what I am copying. If they don't get what they came for, they'll follow me into my office.

If I stay in my office to complete a project by the deadline, they come in and ask things like, "Are you hiding?" or, "Why are you so quiet today?"

Abby, do you know what it's like to constantly be asked what you are doing? How can I get my co-workers out of my hair? -- FRUSTRATED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Rather than taking it personally and allowing yourself to be put on the defensive, try to be more tolerant. Coming into your office to see why you are so quiet could be considered a friendly gesture.

Your co-workers could be motivated by curiosity or nosiness, have too much time on their hands, or be nursing a guilt complex that makes them fearful of any private conversation between the boss and a co-worker. You'd be ahead to just laugh it off rather than take it seriously -- because they probably do it to each other, too.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to your advice for the woman in Sacramento, Calif., whose husband of four years spends hours with, and buys gifts for, his former wife. She stated that she is unhappy, fearful of him, and is nothing more than his housekeeper.

Please tell this woman about an organization in Sacramento called WEAVE (Women Escaping A Violent Environment). They will assist her with shelter, care, legal issues and support.

This woman needs to get out now, and present that worthless, selfish husband of hers a bill for the years of maid service she has provided him. This is not a normal marriage. She deserves to be happy with someone who appreciates her. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.

DEAR B.T.D.T.: I agree this is not a normal marriage and the woman deserves a mate who will appreciate her. I was not aware there was an organization that would help women who have been threatened by their spouses -- but who had not yet been battered.

When I spoke to a staff member at WEAVE, she informed me that they do help women who are suffering from emotional and verbal abuse -- and that all domestic abuse organizations will help victims of ANY type of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 799-7233, will refer callers to an organization in their local area.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for pointing out to "My Kid's Mom" that "bigotry is alive and well in every community because it seems that some people have a need to feel superior."

No man should have a "need to feel superior," Abby. The words of the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. come to mind and are worth repeating:

"Every man is somebody because he is a child of God." -- ARTHUR H. PRINCE, Ph.D., MEMPHIS, TENN.

DEAR DR. PRINCE: And so is every woman. Thanks for a terrific quote.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)