DEAR ABBY: My wife and I made a serious mistake. We told some friends that we were planning a vacation cruise and when we were going. We always travel alone because who can take another couple 24 hours a day for 12 days? We like to do our own thing our own way.

Well, one couple -- good friends of ours -- casually mentioned they might be joining us and we are horrified at the thought. Where do people get the idea that they can invite themselves on someone else's vacation? We don't want to insult them or cause hurt feelings. How do we tell them that we prefer to travel alone without hurting their feelings? -- HORRIFIED IN FLORIDA

DEAR HORRIFIED: Some people assume they are closer friends than they actually are, and others do not understand boundaries. Waste no time in telling these "good friends" that you use these vacations to PRIVATELY renew the romance in your marriage -- and that as much as you like them, having them along on your vacation would destroy the intimacy. Then cross your fingers.

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago you printed a letter from a woman named Elizabeth, concerning your pecan (or walnut) pie recipe. You printed the recipe along with the letter.

I tried out both the pecan and walnut variations on my family. They liked both, but preferred the walnut.

In August, I entered a walnut pie (using your recipe) in the San Mateo County Fair. Abby, it not only took first place, but also won the Judge's Choice Award. (The Judge's Choice Award is first place among the first place winners!) Needless to say, I was thrilled.

Since you did say, "Please let me know how yours came out," I just thought you'd like to know. Thank you, Abby. -- CAROL TULLOH, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR CAROL: My congratulations! I'm delighted that the pecan/walnut pie recipe served you so well. Your letter made my day! The recipe was included in my booklet "Dear Abby's Favorite Recipes" (my first of two cookbooklets). But for those who may not have time to order it before the holidays, here's the recipe:

ABBY'S FAMOUS PECAN PIE

9-inch unbaked pie crust

1 cup light corn syrup

1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar

3 eggs, slightly beaten

1/3 cup butter, melted

1/3 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 heaping cup pecan (or walnut) halves

Heat oven to 350 degrees.

Prepare pie crust. In large bowl, combine corn syrup, sugar, eggs, butter, salt and vanilla; mix well. Pour filling into prepared pie crust; sprinkle with pecan (or walnut) halves.

Bake at 350 degrees for 45 to 50 minutes or until center is set. (Toothpick inserted will come out clean when pie is "done.") Cool. If crust or pie appears to be getting too brown, cover with foil for remaining baking time.

You can top it with a bit of whipped cream or ice cream, but even plain -- nothing tops this! (Serves 8 to 10.)

TIP: The original recipe stated that the pie should be baked 45 to 50 minutes in a preheated 350-degree GAS oven. If an electric oven is used, it may be necessary to add 15 to 20 minutes to the baking time. (Begin testing the pie with a toothpick after 45 minutes.)

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm having a big problem with my mother, who still feels she can control my life. She is mad at her siblings, and now only one remains because her brother just died.

If I choose to stay in contact with her last surviving sibling, Mother has told me she will feel betrayed and will no longer speak to me or her grandchild.

My husband and I are very family-oriented. We feel that our daughter should know all her relatives.

Mother never told her siblings why she is angry with them, but I know. I'm not sure her reason is valid -- especially since she told me that she found out while she was in a hypnotic trance.

I think that as a 40-year-old adult, I should be able to make my own decisions regarding who I see. I know I'll be getting a call from her soon whereupon she'll ask if I have been in contact with her family. I want to say "yes," as I am not comfortable with lying.

My mother has been under psychiatric care since 1993. I don't feel I am betraying her; I just want all my family in my circle. Abby, can you help? Please answer soon in the paper. -- BIG PROBLEM IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BIG PROBLEM: The next time your mother asks if you have talked to her sibling, tell her that if she chooses to isolate herself from the rest of the family, you think it is ill-advised, but you won't try to make her change her mind. However, that is not the way you wish to live your life, nor is it the way you want to raise your daughter. Then let the chips fall where they may.

Your mother is trying to manipulate you by using threats, and she should not be allowed to get away with it. The poor woman sounds emotionally disturbed, and I'm pleased that she's under the care of a psychiatrist.

DEAR ABBY: About five years ago you printed a letter from a woman whose husband had just died from melanoma. She urged everyone to have their moles examined by a doctor.

Although I was only 20 years old and did not fit the normal age range for people with skin cancer, I decided to go to the doctor. Well, Abby, I DID have melanoma -- usually the only form of skin cancer that can cause death. Luckily, I was able to have it removed surgically, and now I am fine.

Please continue to urge your readers to wear sunscreen and to have their moles examined. I would like to thank the wife who took the time to write to you about her tragedy, and to thank both of you for saving my life. -- THANKFUL IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR THANKFUL: I'm pleased your story has a happy ending. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to remind my sun-worshipping readers to have this kind of checkup done annually.

Any suspicious lump, sore or ulcer on the skin should be reported to your physician if it persists for more than a week. It's also important to be examined by a physician if there is any change in the size, shape or texture of a mole, or if half of it appears "different" from the other half.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was lunching with five or six co-workers the other day and the topic turned to gay rights. During the conversation, one of them said, "I don't know why they have to talk about it." I was shocked speechless because everyone at the table knew that I am gay.

Later, I thought of all the things I should have said. Then I compiled a list of reasons why we talk about it. If you think it's worthwhile, please print it on Oct. 11, because that is National Coming Out Day. -- ED IN LONG ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR ED: Whether to come out or not is a personal decision, and one that should not be taken lightly. However, your reasons present a strong argument in favor of doing so and I'm pleased to print them on National Coming Out Day to encourage those who might be hesitant about identifying themselves. It's OK to be gay, and it's OK to be yourself.

REASONS WHY WE TALK ABOUT IT

1. Until we started talking about it, laws were enacted by straight people telling gay people what they were and were not allowed to do.

Forty-five years ago, nothing could be sent through the U.S. mail about love or intimacy between gay people. Thirty years ago, openly gay people could be fired from government jobs. We could be expelled from most schools, the government could close bars that had lesbian and gay patrons, we couldn't be priests or ministers, and we were banned from many professional organizations. Twenty-five years ago, we could be jailed or institutionalized for being gay.

Laws still exist that prevent gay people from adopting, that take our children from us, that allow us to be jailed for making love to our partners, that permit straight people to refuse to rent to us, or serve us in restaurants for no other reason than that we are gay. It was "talking about it" that led to the repeal of hundreds of those laws.

2. If we didn't talk about it, enlightened people wouldn't be teaching their children that it's wrong to call people "faggot," and that it's wrong to treat gay people differently from straight people. (My parents never told me otherwise.)

3. If we didn't talk about it, straight people wouldn't know who we are, nor would they realize that their friend, co-worker, sibling, parent or child is gay. When straights don't know that someone they love is gay, they often don't stop to think how unfair it is that gay people can be legally discriminated against in 37 states.

4. We talk about it because many of us grew up thinking we were alone because nobody talked about it.

5. I talk about it because otherwise, straight people tell me anti-gay jokes and use anti-gay language in front of me.

6. I talk about it because so many other people cannot. In the U.S. military, men and women lose their jobs for saying, "I am gay," which should be a direct violation of their First Amendment rights.

7. I talk about it because I want folks to see that most gay people are average people, not the monsters that straight people are taught that we are. Prejudice like that is the reason that many gay men and women are beaten up or murdered in the streets.

8. I talk about it because my straight friends are surprised when I say that a movie they liked was awful -- completely missing the fact that the gay characters were outdated stereotypes.

9. I talk about it because I want the children in my family to know that you can be gay and a good person. And I want to counterbalance all those who are deceitful, misinformed or have misinterpreted the word of God.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)