DEAR ABBY: My husband of 12 years has just informed me that he has invited his former girlfriend to our home for an upcoming weekend. He wants her to see our home and city. He says he just wants to talk with an old friend with whom he has a lot in common and has not seen for 15 years.

Abby, over the last two years, he has talked with this woman about once a month or so. It never occurred to me to be jealous or concerned because I trusted him and he's never given me any reason not to. He would tell me about their conversations if I wasn't in when she called. It was never an issue for me until he invited her to spend the weekend without consulting me.

When I told him I would feel uncomfortable having "Rene" stay with us, especially since she's not a mutual friend of ours, he accused me of being insecure, became extremely angry and was silent for several days. He also told me that if I don't agree to it, then he will see her in secret.

I was shocked and assumed he spoke out of anger. Now I'm not so sure. Have you any thoughts on this? -- ERODED TRUST IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ERODED TRUST: Many. If the situation were reversed and you informed your husband that an old boyfriend he had never met was coming to spend a weekend in your home, I'm sure he would have been shocked and angered that you had acted without first consulting him.

Ordinarly, I wouldn't advise giving in to blackmail. However, since he's threatening to "see her in secret" if you don't agree to accommodate her, put on your most charming face and play hostess of the year. And if you or any of your friends know an attractive, unattached bachelor, invite him over for a lovely family dinner.

DEAR ABBY: My parents did not need more "stuff" to mark their 50th anniversary. So we, their eight children, decided to include the following on the party invitation:

"In lieu of gifts, donations to Our Daily Bread, a non-discriminatory soup kitchen, will be accepted at the door. All donations will be forwarded to Our Daily Bread in the names of Bob and Mary Lou."

Abby, the 60 or so guests responded with donations amounting to more than $1,500. Our parents were overwhelmed, as was the director of the soup kitchen, at the generosity of their friends and family. -- BOB AND MARY LOU FOLZENLOGEN'S CHILDREN, CINCINNATI

DEAR 'CHILDREN': My congratulations to your parents. They have a great deal of which to be proud, and the values of their children are only the beginning. Your idea is terrific.

DEAR ABBY: This may seem like a strange question, but I was trying to find out because this is kind of important. You see, I had my nipples pierced, and I am pregnant.

I was wondering if I took the rings out and they healed, would I be able to breast-feed? -- CRYSTAL IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CRYSTAL: I see no reason why you should not be able to. I checked with the La Leche League, and their representative told me there are no known cases where piercing the nipple interfered with nursing a baby.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Since you didn't give marching orders to "In Shock and Heartbroken," whose surgeon-husband suddenly cleaned out the house and had his lawyer offer her $20,000 in exchange for custody of their children, may I offer some advice?

"In Shock," you deserve more than that jerk showed you. What kind of example is he setting for his children? More important, what kind of example will YOU set for them? I urge you to find the most aggressive, pit-bull lawyer in your area and tell him how you were cheated out of your marriage, belongings, means of support and children.

Many divorce lawyers will work for a percentage of the settlement rather than an up-front fee, especially in a case like yours. Your lawyer will file a motion to freeze hubby's accounts and hire a "forensic accountant" to track down what your husband must surely be hiding from you -- and possibly the IRS as well. This was obviously planned for a long time, and it will take professionals to unravel the deception.

Hold him responsible. Stay and fight the good fight, and you'll never have to look back and say, "I wish I had," while your children grow up to be as selfish and manipulative as he is. I wish you love, luck, peace and victory in court! -- STEAMING IN BOSTON

DEAR STEAMING: In fairness to me, the woman did not ask what steps she should take to proceed. She asked only if I thought she was right to stay and fight for her children.

An attorney who will take the matter on a contingency basis should be easy enough to find. Once she whispers the magic words, "surgeon" and "prominent family," the lawyer will know there is plenty of money and publicity to be had. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I read the letter about the surgeon who left his wife penniless and offered her $20,000 for custody of their children. I'm a family law attorney. You stated, "You have my respect for deciding to fight for your children against such odds, and I hope you prevail." While this is a sympathetic statement, I do not believe the woman is against such odds.

Depending on what state they live in and how long they've been married, she's probably entitled to at least one-half the community assets plus maintenance/alimony and child support, based on the parties' incomes. I would advise her to go to an attorney and file for temporary orders. Depending on the circumstances, the surgeon will be the one paying the attorney fees, plus maintenance and child support, until the court makes a final disposition of the property and a ruling on the parenting plan.

As he is a surgeon, I imagine he works long hours; and I imagine also that the wife has been the primary caretaker of the children. The odds are against him financially, and in her favor as the custodial or residential parent. -- JAN YVONNE RINKER, GIG HARBOR, WASH.

DEAR JAN: Since more people are ignorant about divorce law than are knowledgeable about it, I'm sure your letter will be an eye-opener for many.

Several readers asked me to tell "In Shock and Heartbroken" that they doubted her husband's sincerity in seeking custody of their children -- that he was either demanding them so he wouldn't have to pay child support, or using them as a bargaining chip. To quote "Dorothy in Maine":

"I wonder what he'd do if you said, 'Go ahead and take the kids.' His prospective new wife wouldn't be thrilled with that, I'll bet! Makes you want to spit, doesn't it? Hire a woman divorce lawyer ASAP. You'll prevail in the end."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a single father with a 14-year-old son. I am not married, but I have a girlfriend.

My problem is my girlfriend likes to run around very scantily clad. I have no problem with this, except she does it in front of my son, or, when he's in the next room she'll run out, naked or half-naked, into the hallway, just barely out of his sight.

I have asked her to stop, but I don't feel I should have to keep asking her that. We are both in our early 30s. She also darts in and out of rooms naked or nearly naked when we are at the homes of relatives. I do not understand why she does this. -- RATTLED IN REDWOOD CITY

DEAR RATTLED: Your girlfriend may have a different standard of modesty than the one with which you were raised, or she could be a bit of an exhibitionist. Your son is a young man now, and whether or not it's intended that way, her nudity could be interpreted by him as seductive.

You should not have to keep reminding her. Tell her once and for all that you don't want your son and your relatives surveying her "assets" -- so in the future, unless you're alone, she MUST keep them covered.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago you were kind enough to publish a letter I wrote dealing with infants who are thrown away, abused or killed by their parent or caretakers. It concerned the news accounts of the death of one such toddler that haunted me. Shortly after, you published a letter written by a nurse who said that for the first time an infant had been abandoned on the grounds of the hospital where she worked. She thought perhaps my letter had prompted that child to be abandoned in a safe place. I hope so.

I would like to thank you for printing my letter, Abby, and share some information that may save more infants who are at risk of being abandoned or abused. Programs exist to help them. The first is the Baby Anthony Program in California, with a statewide, confidential crisis toll-free hotline: (800) 606-BABY (2229). The other is a national 24-hour toll-free hotline called Project Cuddle. That number is (888) 628-3353. I hope you will pass this along to your readers because recently there were two more stories about abandoned babies. One was found alive in a garbage can, another found dead in a field.

The phone numbers are for women and young girls who find themselves pregnant and do not know where to turn for help. They are also for caretakers who feel they must somehow get rid of the child. Some of these women and young girls will never see a doctor or any other health-care professional about their pregnancies.

I still believe there should be a legal and safe location for caretakers to take these infants, and no "manhunt" to add to the feeling of despair that led these people to think the only way for them to cope is to "get rid" of the child.

Thank you again for the opportunity to ease the trauma the original "Baby Girl Doe" created within me. I almost feel as though her message to the public has been received and some lives have been saved because of her. She remains in my mind and heart, but she is no longer heavy, thanks to you. -- DOROTHY MILLER, PITTSBURG, CALIF.

DEAR DOROTHY: I'm pleased to spread the word about the Baby Anthony Program and Project Cuddle, for parents who are overwhelmed and cannot tolerate the responsibilities of parenthood. They provide a sensible alternative to abandonment or child abuse.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)