DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced when I was 2 years old, and remarried soon afterward. Unfortunately, the man my mother married was an abusive alcoholic whose beatings eventually contributed to her death in 1981. My father had remained on good terms with my mother throughout the years, and he and my stepmother attended the funeral.

After the funeral service, my stepmother said to me, "I insist that you thank your stepfather for putting up with your mother all those years. You should spend the rest of the afternoon with him and his family."

Not wishing to cause a scene, I did what she ordered. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Abby, no one deserved the punishment my stepfather inflicted on my mother. My stepmother knew exactly what he had done to my mother and to me, too. How could she make such a demand?

After all these years, at 42, I am still troubled by my stepmother's demand, and the fact that I actually obeyed! What can I do to get over this? -- STILL TROUBLED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, ROCKLAND, DEL.

DEAR STILL TROUBLED: Your stepmother's comments were outrageous. She may have hated and resented your mother, and felt she had gotten what she deserved. And, like many victims of abuse, your self-esteem was so low you obeyed her without question.

Counseling can help you work through the feelings you're experiencing. Since you're still troubled, I hope you won't wait any longer.

DEAR ABBY: This is in reference to the letter from the 23-year-old manager of a suburban fast-food restaurant and the teens who were bound and left after a robbery. I want to address the fact that the parents of these teens never came to find out why they were out all night. As a parent of a 15-year-old and a 13-year-old (and for 10 months, a 17-year-old foreign exchange student), I have an explanation for the apparent lack of concern from the parents. Exhaustion!

Our 17-year-old had curfew hours on the weekend, which her mother and I set. Our student would be home exactly on time or call us if there was a problem. At first, I stayed up to make sure she got home -- but after arising for work at 5 a.m. every day, I was too exhausted to be efficient. I shared this problem with other parents of teen-agers. Here's how I solved it:

I set an alarm for the time the child should be home. If the child gets home before the alarm goes off, he or she turns off the alarm and goes to bed. If the child does not arrive home in time, the alarm goes off and wakes the parent. Parents get their sleep -- and the teens get to keep the hours they desperately want. -- ANGIE IN L.A.

DEAR ANGIE: I received a stack of mail from defensive parents of teens about my reply to that letter, for saying that the parents of those young girls weren't doing an adequate job. Many said that their teen-agers ignore their attempts at discipline and refuse to accept their authority or curfews. Others said they were unable to wait up for their children and still function the next day.

For households where there is mutual respect and order, your solution is ingenious. I only wish I had stock in an alarm clock company.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Some friends of mine and my husband's invited us over for a sit-down dinner at their home. The friends are acquainted with my husband's parents and extended a written invitation to them as well, which I thought was very nice.

Because the friends live some distance away, we planned to carpool there with my in-laws. When my in-laws arrived at our door, they had my sister-in-law with them. (She's middle-aged and still lives at home.) I was mortified because I knew "Sis" hadn't been invited.

I promptly called the hosts to give them a heads-up and an apology, and offered to bring more food. My mother-in-law overheard me on the phone and took great offense and said they weren't going. She said my husband and I were rude because we treated Sis like a criminal. She asked repeatedly before storming off, "What's one more person gonna hurt?" Who was in the wrong here? -- BAFFLED BY LACK OF ETIQUETTE

DEAR BAFFLED: Your mother-in-law was wrong to bring an uninvited guest with her. Assuming you quietly telephoned to warn the hosts, and did not embarrass your sister-in-law by doing it in front of her, your mother-in-law was wrong again in taking offense because you tried to keep the hosts from being caught flat-footed. It was extremely rude to punish the hosts by leaving them with empty seats at their table at the last minute.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Wounded in Midland, Texas," who was devastated because a friend had told her that her deceased husband had had an affair. Twelve years ago, when I was 23, my husband committed suicide while I was in the room with him. Not only did I have to deal with the pain of losing him, but also the guilt of wondering what I could have done to stop him.

At his funeral, several of our "friends" just had to share stories about his infidelities and drug habits with me. They laughed about them. (This was the first I had heard of them.)

I'll never understand why people do that when you're at one of the lowest points in your life. If they couldn't tell me while he was with me, what was the point of telling me then? Losing someone causes enough pain; at least leave us with what happy memories we have.

I, too, went through years of therapy and am now happily remarried for eight years, but I'll never forget those "friends" at the funeral. Needless to say, I haven't seen or talked to them in 12 years. -- ALSO WOUNDED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR ALSO WOUNDED: I'm pleased that you have managed to get past your tragedy and have gone on to have a successful life. Believe it or not, I have actually heard from some people who feel that the widow should be told so that she won't idealize her deceased spouse and will "get on with her life." I have never subscribed to the "for your own good" school of disclosure. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to the lady from Midland, Texas, whose "friend" divulged that her deceased husband had carried on a verifiable affair, she should ask herself, "Why did she tell me this?" The answer, of course, is she wanted to HURT her!

My sister revealed that my son had told his cousin that he didn't care about coming back home again after receiving his degrees. I cried every night after work for three months, until my husband asked me, "Why did she tell you that?" To hurt me, of course. I promptly quit bawling. -- FEELING FINE, PRAIRIE VILLAGE, KAN.

DEAR FEELING FINE: I applaud your husband for his insight.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Anger -- a normal human emotion when dealt with positively and assertively, not negatively and aggressively -- can advance mankind.

However, many people don't have the skills to positively deal with anger because they've never been taught the skills.

Anger-management skills classes should be part of the curriculum in all our nation's schools and prison systems. This would help eliminate some of the depression, domestic abuse, divorces, alcoholism, drug addiction, crime and murder in our country. I believe the benefits would far outweigh the costs.

For people who recognize their anger-management problems and want to learn the skills to enable them to deal with those problems positively, our society should make it "politically correct" to seek help through counseling. In other words, we should drop the stigma, as we have in the last 10 years or so in regard to alcoholism and drug addiction. -- CARL FOX, HURST, TEXAS

DEAR CARL: Although I'm not sure I agree that the "stigma" in regard to alcoholism and drug addiction has been erased, I do agree that anger-management classes in schools could be helpful in lowering levels of violence. A step in the right direction are the peer mediation programs that are being implemented in many schools, which help to defuse problems before they become serious.

DEAR ABBY: You goofed when you advised "Tony's Mom" to buy earplugs if counseling couldn't keep her husband from yelling at their 10-year-old son. All that yelling will only harden the child, and when he reaches his teens, it could become explosive.

I, too, was a "yeller" and found my teen-ager becoming increasingly angry, hateful and disrespectful. Instead of trying to force him to change, I decided to change myself. I focused daily on adhering to the following goals:

1. I showed my love for my son by touching him gently at least 10 times a day with hugs, pats, or just resting a hand on his shoulder when he talked to me.

2. When I wanted his attention I went to him, touching him gently and speaking very softly, looking him in the eye.

3. I listened attentively to his stories, remarks, comments, etc., without judgment or criticism.

4. I stayed in control of my emotions and stopped yelling, which eliminated the power struggles.

This calmer, nicer approach reduced the arguments and resistance to what I asked. It was amazing how quickly I got my sweet, loving son back. -- WISER IN NORTH TEXAS

DEAR WISER: Your suggestions are certainly worth trying -- and in many cases could go a long way toward establishing a more loving family atmosphere.

However, I recommended family counseling because it can provide insight into how these disruptive patterns began, as well as methods for eliminating them and improving the level of communication between all parties.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old boy who likes to read Dear Abby. I would just like to say that not just girls read Dear Abby. Please print my letter because I do not want boys to feel left out! -- PATRICK S., CAMARILLO, CALIF.

DEAR PATRICK: You're right. My readership includes all ages and both sexes.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)