DEAR ABBY: After only six years of marriage, my darling husband died on Oct. 4. He had three children and taught them good values. He once said during our marriage, "When I die, I hope my kids don't come in and start announcing, 'I want this' or 'I want that.'"

Well, sure enough, two days after my husband's death -- even before the funeral arrangements had been completed -- his son came to me with a verbal list of things they wanted.

I kindly told him that his father and I had discussed what he would like them to have, and we would take care of it sometime later. I left his kids at home while I went out to run some errands. When I returned and they had left, I found evidence that they had gone through my belongings looking, I suppose, for things they wanted.

The next day his son called and said they would be bringing my husband's ex-wife over to load up the things they wanted before they went home. The day of the funeral his son called to inform me that they had brought a truck from Arkansas to haul it all away.

Abby, I couldn't take it any more. I said, "Your daddy would be ashamed of you. To ask his widow on the day of his funeral to come over immediately afterward is incredibly crass."

Well, during the funeral, I observed his son's grief, and now I feel terribly guilty for being a wicked stepmother. Am I?

Also, is it in good taste for an ex-wife to pluck flowers from her ex-husband's grave in front of his widow, before he is lowered into the ground? I'm appalled. -- GRIEVING IN MISSOURI

DEAR GRIEVING: Stop feeling guilty for having reacted the way you did to the phone calls. You showed remarkable restraint in the face of insensitivity. Something tells me that any hurt feelings will be mended as soon as you tell "the kids" they can come and collect the loot.

As for your husband's ex-wife taking flowers from his grave at the burial, customs vary in different parts of the country. Perhaps she wanted to press them and put them in a family album. After having had three children with him, she must have been feeling some sense of loss at his death. When people are grieving, they sometimes say or do things without thinking them through. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

DEAR ABBY: I recently took a commercial airline flight home from England to the United States. Regrettably, the woman I sat next to wore too much perfume. I don't mind perfume in good taste, but this woman must have taken a bath in it. The smell was unbearable, so I first covered my nose with a blanket. Then I tried turning my head in the other direction. Then I tried to sleep. Lastly, I put the air on me, but nothing seemed to help.

What should I have done to get away from the horrible perfume smell? -- SENSITIVE NOSE IN GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR SENSITIVE NOSE: I have heard countless complaints over the years from people who are sensitive to perfumes. Many of them suffered allergic reactions when in close quarters such as elevators. The problem is perfume wearers who think that if a little bit is good, then more must be better. Not true!

You should have informed the flight attendant that you couldn't tolerate the strong odor and asked to change your seat. If the flight wasn't fully booked, the attendant would have accommodated you.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended an Indian Head Start Directors conference in Washington, D.C., where I met an amazing woman.

This lady and I were riding a city bus, taking in the sights, as neither of us was able to walk for long periods of time because of health problems. As we chatted, a young man in his 20s who was standing near our seat listened to our conversation.

During the conversation, I asked her how old she was. When she said she was 46, I couldn't believe it because she looked so young. When I expressed surprise at her age, the young man chimed in, "Yeah, you'd be a real knockout of an older woman if you'd lose some weight!" I, and the other bus passengers, were appalled at his rudeness.

My friend, however, simply looked at him coolly and replied: "I'll have you know, young man, that I AM a knockout. My self-worth and self-esteem do not depend on what you seem to perceive as my shortcomings. There are people in this world who think I'm the sexiest, wittiest and most dedicated person that they have ever met -- so what you think does not concern me!"

The other passengers broke into applause when she finished. Although I had the impression that he hadn't planned to, the young man got off at the next stop.

I wrote this to thank the lady for not letting the crassness of some people destroy her positive self-image. She has become my role model, and although we may never meet again, I'll never forget her example. Her name was Brenda. -- STANDING TALLER NOW

DEAR TALLER NOW: Those who would remind someone that she (or he) is fat, thin, short or tall are either woefully ignorant or brutally insensitive, and possibly both. And after reading your letter, I'm sure there will be more people applauding Brenda's stance than her fellow passengers on the bus.

DEAR ABBY: "Worried in Woodland Hills" wanted to know what she could do to make the "coming out" process easier for her son. I was moved by her caring and loving regard for her son, whom she feels might be gay. I have no advice for her, only my admiration for what a wonderful mother she must be.

I am 42 and have been out since I was 18. It has never been a problem for me. The problem was always in the minds of other people, and their reaction to something they did not understand. If she is right, her attitude will make a world of difference and help create one more well-adjusted, loving human being. I have known too many who have suffered, and some who have even died, because of the shame and disgrace they were made to feel. I am writing to say thank you to that woman who is truly a mother in the highest sense, and to you, Abby, because your answer was right on. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, SEATTLE

DEAR BEEN THERE: I'm sure your letter will be meaningful, not only to the mother from Woodland Hills, but also to parents everywhere who are emotionally supportive of their gay children. Thank you for your kind words about my reply.

However, several readers have written to tell me that I missed my chance to tell the mother that PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) could be an excellent resource for her. Founded in 1981, PFLAG is a respected support, education and advocacy organization with chapters in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and 11 other countries.

For literature or referral to a local chapter, write: PFLAG, 1101 14th St. N.W., Suite 1030, Washington, D.C. 20005; or call (202) 638-4200. The e-mail address is info@PFLAG.org, or you may visit the Web site at http://www.PFLAG.org.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Will you please ask your readers to take a minute to think about how they treat people who are different or unique? These days we seem to care about how we treat people who are disabled or in a minority -- however, some of us seem to forget that ALL people should be treated with kindness, dignity and respect, regardless of who they are or what they do.

My son is an Elvis impersonator. Now, I'm not talking about some clairvoyant who thinks he channels Elvis; I'm talking about a talented singer who works hard at his profession of re-creating the Elvis concert experience. He was even selected to be in a new film on impersonators called "Almost Elvis." But you would not believe the way some people treat him in public.

Although he doesn't walk around in a jumpsuit, he must look the part with black hair and sideburns. It amazes and upsets me how rude and insensitive people can be with their smart remarks. If they stopped to think for a minute about the Golden Rule, about choosing to build up rather than tear down those around them, then we might have a little more kindness in the world. Elvis was known for his kindness to strangers -- and I think we could all take a lesson from him. -- PROTECTIVE LITTLE MAMA, OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR PROTECTIVE LITTLE MAMA: Although the comments may not be all that a mother would wish for, they may go with the territory. There's an old show-business saying, "If you want a place in the sun, you had better be prepared to put up with a few blisters." Since your son is respected in his profession, I'm hoping he receives his share of compliments to make up for any hurt that may be caused by the clumsy attempts at humor.

It's interesting that Elvis Presley's talent was so unique he is still an unforgettable celebrity so many years after his death.

DEAR ABBY: Each year, usually in December, you print letters about choosing appropriate gifts for the elderly. You have advised us against purchasing unwanted items such as bath powder or earrings for Grammy and neckties or after-shave for Grandpa. You have reminded us to stay clear of useless things for their homes, like vases or knickknacks.

I have learned from your column and for the last few years I simply ASK my relatives what they can use. If Mom wants postage stamps and a grocery store gift certificate, and Dad wants a coupon for an oil change this year, that's exactly what I give them. They're pleased and so am I.

Here comes my problem: How do I get my elderly relatives to stop sending ME useless gifts? I wouldn't dare hurt their feelings, but they never ask me what I want; they simply send things I have no use for.

How about writing a column to the elderly about gift BUYING? This really needs to be addressed and printed in the newspaper. (Then maybe I can cut it out and send them copies.) I appreciate your help. -- STUMPED IN NEVADA

DEAR STUMPED: Your problem is universal. As the holiday season approaches, write or call your relatives and thank them for their past generosity, then tell them that from now on, a card expressing their loving feelings would be appreciated more than a gift.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)