DEAR ABBY: Your letters about chivalry prompted mine. Years ago, I was standing in a crowded post office. There was a long wooden bench where customers could wait for their number to be called for their turn at the counter. Many people were standing that day.

I was in my 20s at the time and had four small children with me, when a man who appeared to be in his 70s struggled up off the bench and offered me his seat. He obviously needed it far more than I, so I refused his offer. He said a man couldn't even be a gentleman anymore. I have remembered his hurt all these 30 years. I'll never forgive myself for that thoughtless act.

Since then I have always thanked every man who steps aside, assists me, holds a door or offers me a seat. I am blessed to have a husband who does all those things for me -- even after more than 20 years together -- and I appreciate every gesture, no matter how small.

I hope that all the gentlemen who read your column will accept my gratitude. Some of us can do it for ourselves, but we also know that everyone can use kindness and assistance sometimes. -- CHARLA IN ROSEMEAD, CALIF.

DEAR CHARLA: I agree. Good manners dictate that every kindness we receive -- large or small -- be gratefully acknowledged.

DEAR ABBY: I was invited to share Christmas with a group of friends and family. We had a wonderful time. After dinner, gifts were exchanged, and the hostess made sure that each guest had a gift.

As we sat talking over coffee, I was appalled when one of the women reached into a kitchen drawer, pulled out some plastic bags and proceeded to fill them with food to take home. Have things changed this much?

When I was raised, people didn't help themselves to anything in another person's house. It was my understanding that if you brought a gift or a dish to the party, it was the property of the hostess to serve or not as she saw fit.

I actually saw one lady put an entire loaf of bread into her bag. The hostess had almost nothing left. I overheard her husband ask, "What happened to the bread we had for dinner? I'd like a sandwich." Imagine, not enough left for a sandwich!

When you bring a dish to a party, do you scoop it up and take whatever is left home with you? Do you fix yourself a "doggie bag" without the hostess's permission, knowledge or consent? Abby, isn't what goes into a hostess's house hers to do with as she wishes? -- STUMPED IN NEBRASKA

DEAR STUMPED: When a guest brings food to a dinner party, it is considered a gift for the hostess. She is not obligated to serve it as part of the meal, and is within her rights to pop it into the freezer to enjoy at another time if she chooses.

Well-mannered guests do not remove anything from the house without being invited to do so by their host or hostess.

DEAR ABBY: After receiving sympathy cards after a death in the family, how are they displayed -- or are they displayed at all? -- BARBARA IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR BARBARA: If it would be comforting to you to display the sympathy cards and letters of support you received, I see no reason why they couldn't be displayed on a shelf or tabletop. However, typically such cards and letters are placed in an album with the death announcement and, perhaps, some photos of the deceased, or in a keepsake box or decorative basket.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, you graciously told your readers about the Souper Bowl of Caring. Your column was a catalyst providing a great boost for this simple, but significant, effort of caring and unity.

The Souper Bowl of Caring is a grassroots movement that encourages churches and synagogues to invite parishoners to give $1 each as they leave worship the morning (or weekend) of the big game, Jan. 30. Youth stationed at sanctuary exits collect the dollar donations in large soup kettles, then send the proceeds directly to a local soup kitchen, food bank or other charity chosen by that congregation. That's it!

Abby, we believe this idea is a gift from God. It was born of prayer and first kicked off by the youth of a single South Carolina church in 1990. Last year, more than 11,300 congregations together generated $2.5 million for worthy charities in communities across the country. The effort has raised an aggregate of $7 million for hungry and hurting people since it became national in 1993.

Organizers don't touch the money, nor do we tell participants where to send the funds. We ask only that someone from each participating group report the amount collected via www.souperbowl.org or by calling (800) 358-SOUP (7687) on Super Bowl Sunday, so that the grand total can be determined and announced to the media.

Our dream is to see 20,000 churches, synagogues and the like encourage members to join together in loving God and neighbor by giving $1 each as they leave services (or school) on Super Bowl Sunday, Jan. 30, 2000. -- THE REV. BRAD SMITH, COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR BRAD SMITH: I love the concept -- considering that the amount of each donation is such a small fraction of the amount of money that is going to be changing hands that day. I hope all my readers will encourage their congregations, schools, offices or businesses to participate. By giving $1, everyone will be a winner during Super Bowl 2000.

DEAR ABBY: While going through the papers of a recently deceased friend, Jim Heistercamp, a well-known San Francisco personality, I came across a number of barely legible newsletters dating back to 1934, from St. Joseph School in Menomonie, Wis.

On the first page of the January newsletter was printed the enclosed poem, whose message as we approach the new millennium could not be more timely. I hope you'll share it with your readers. -- FRANK LEVIN, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR FRANK: The poem you discovered is a gem, and certainly deserving of space in this column. How generous of you to share it. Read on:

RECIPE FOR A HAPPY NEW YEAR

To leave the old with a burst of song

To recall the right and forgive the wrong;

To forget the thing that binds you fast

To the vain regrets of the year that's past;

To have the strength to let go your hold

Of the not worthwhile of the days grown old,

To dare to go forth with a purpose true,

To the unknown task of the year that's new;

To help your brother along the road

To do his work and lift his load;

To add your gift to the world's good cheer,

Is to have and to give a Happy New Year.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Concerned Daughter-in-Law," whose mother-in-law continued to smoke after being diagnosed with emphysema and deteriorating lungs, brought back some painful memories for me.

My mother was diagnosed with the same condition and she, too, continued to smoke. Her reason was that she was going to die anyway, so she might as well enjoy the only little "pleasure" left in life. It tore at my heart to watch her take her oxygen treatment from the machine beside her chair and, afterward, reach for her cigarettes.

She had to use a walker to navigate the 20 or so steps from her chair to the bathroom. When she returned, she was gasping for breath as if she had run the marathon. How I wished that any young person just beginning to smoke could see her -- and possibly keep from making the same mistake. It took her three long years to die from this horrible disease.

Abby, please continue your campaign to discourage young people from starting this terrible, addictive habit, so their loved ones will not have to go through the pain of watching them die a slow, painful death. -- CAROL MASON, COSTA MESA, CALIF.

DEAR CAROL: You have my promise -- as long as there is breath in my body -- that I will do exactly that. But first, ANOTHER warning: No one should EVER "light up" in the vicinity of supplemental oxygen, which is extremely flammable. I heard about a woman who received third-degree burns to her face because she lit a cigarette before her oxygen was completely turned off and the flames melted the plastic breathing tubes onto her skin.

What young smokers fail to realize is that smoking causes changes in brain chemistry and creates a dependency. Tobacco companies recruit new smokers to replace the ones who escape the tentacles of the addiction, or who die from smoking-related illnesses. So, while adolescents and teens may take up the habit to appear "hot," "cool," or grown-up, breaking the habit may require not only iron will, but medical intervention. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the reader whose mother-in-law was diagnosed with emphysema and continued smoking.

When I was an actively practicing pharmacist, I saw similar scenarios with several people who were unable to give up nicotine in the face of the additional stress of the diagnosis. However, SOME of them were able to switch to "cleaner" alternatives such as a nicotine patch, gum or inhaler and avoid the pollutants of cigarettes that cause lung damage. (They were also not dangerous around oxygen tanks.)

Their doctors were willing to continue the prescriptions as long as necessary so their patients would avoid cigarettes. If "Concerned" really cannot get her mother-in-law to seek a second opinion right now, perhaps she could suggest one of these alternatives. -- ELAINE DISNEY, CARROLLTON, TEXAS

DEAR ELAINE: What a terrific suggestion, and I hope it will spark interest in anyone who has been advised by a doctor to quit smoking -- but has tried and failed.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 27, and I think I have a pretty good marriage. One of my husband's friends kissed me, and I didn't stop him. Now all I do is fantasize about me and him together. What should I do? -- CONCERNED IN COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR CONCERNED: Arrange a romantic rendezvous and turn your fantasies into a reality -- WITH YOUR HUSBAND. And don't let that man kiss you again. Believe me, he's no "friend" to either of you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)