DEAR ABBY: I am a first-time mother of a beautiful 18-month-old son. My mother is crazy about being a grandma and begs me to come for extended visits so she can get to know her grandson. I just returned from a week's visit -- and I am exhausted. Why? Because Mother refuses to "baby-proof" her house for our visits, so I spend all my time watching my son to ensure that he doesn't break something valuable, or get into the bleach under the kitchen sink.

Every baby book you buy stresses the importance of baby-proofing during the toddler years, so here are a few suggestions I have for grandparents who want their grandchildren to have a safe visit:

1. Move all cleaning supplies, cosmetics and room deodorizers UP to a high shelf or cupboard.

2. Invest in outlet covers and drawer and cupboard locks. They are inexpensive and easy to remove after visits.

3. Put away all hard candies, coins, glass-framed photos, candles, and anything of sentimental value before your grandchild arrives.

4. Plants, animal litter boxes, pet food, detergents and caustic chemicals should be out of reach and out of sight.

5. Sharp-edged furniture, such as coffee tables or end tables, should have easily installed corner protectors applied, or should be turned on their sides during visits.

One of my girlfriends told me that when she's coming for a visit, her mother buys diapers, baby wipes and appropriate baby food. She also has bibs, baby cups and spoons on hand. She even buys age-appropriate toys to keep at her house so her granddaughter has special toys to look forward to playing with during the visit.

In most cases, it's been about 20 years since these grandparents have been around babies. I think if they would read a current baby/toddler book, they would be surprised to learn about the new information available. -- BENT OUT OF SHAPE IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR BENT IN BEND: Your suggestions for grandparents seem sensible to me, and worth sharing with any new grandparent who might be out of touch. Since your mother seems to fall into that category, send her a book on baby/toddler child care as a gift. It could save her, you and your son a lot of stress or even an unfortunate accident.

DEAR ABBY: While on a whitewater rafting trip, I was rescued from drowning by a man in a kayak, and I can't stop thinking about him. I am happily married, but am worried that I have "fallen in love" with the man who saved my life.

The man not only pulled me out of the water, he held my hand and kept eye contact for 15 minutes while I was in shock. He took care of me until I felt safe again.

I sent him a four-page thank-you letter. Now I watch the mailbox, waiting for a reply. What can I do to close this matter? Have I fallen in love with "my hero"? -- GRATEFUL SURVIVOR

DEAR GRATEFUL: You are confusing gratitude with love, and ordinarily people do not respond to letters of thanks.

Think of the experience this way: The man saved your life so you and your husband can enjoy many more years of happily married life together.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was a mother of two young children and a happily married woman until I got involved with a married former flame. Years ago I was crazy about him, but he didn't feel the same about me so I went on with my life. When our paths crossed several months ago, neither one of us thought we'd be unfaithful to our spouses, but we couldn't stay away, and I fell totally in love with him again. We both agreed we are soul mates, but unfortunately it wasn't meant to be.

The affair has now ended, and I am having a hard time going on with my life. I don't feel the same about my husband -- who is a wonderful husband and father. I feel so lucky I didn't get caught and lose everything. I want my happiness with my life back. I know if I hadn't crossed that line I wouldn't be in this mess. I'm afraid to go to counseling, as it may draw attention from my husband -- but I don't know how to cope and let go of those feelings of love for the other man.

Can people really fall back in love after having an affair? What can I do to get on with my life? I am trying to be strong one day at a time. -- SORRY NOW IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR SORRY NOW: Take the chance and get counseling. It will help you assess what made you so vulnerable to the affair, and to take stock of what's important in your marriage. Yes, it is possible for couples to "fall in love again." And one of the strongest motivators is recognizing the reasons they needed each other in the first place.

DEAR ABBY: You advised a reader who signed herself "Stacking the Odds in Oregon" to contact Al-Anon and inquire about an intervention program for her mother. I have been an Al-Anon member for more than eight years and would like to set the record straight because Al-Anon has changed my life.

Al-Anon is NOT a referral program. Please do NOT call if you are looking for a rehabilitation center, intervention program or therapist. Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution. Al-Anon does not engage in any controversy, and neither endorses nor opposes any cause. There are no dues for membership; Al-Anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.

Al-Anon is a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics.

Because of Al-Anon, my life is filled with joy, friendship, hope and love, where once there was only sadness, loneliness, despair and anger. Please, Abby, let your readers know that if they are affected by another person's drinking, Al-Anon may help. We're in the phone book. -- AL-ANONYMOUS IN TARZANA, CALIF.

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Thank you for writing to remind me that if people need intervention for someone with an alcohol or drug problem, it must be arranged with the institution in which the patient will be detoxed or rehabilitated -- NOT Al-Anon! I needed the reminder, and I want only to steer my readers in the right direction.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small sales office. We are all women, and despite the potential for intense competition (we work on commission), everyone pretty much gets along.

One woman, however, is constantly challenging, questioning and putting me down personally and professionally. She ridicules my opinions in planning meetings, implies I'm making things up in all sorts of situations, and argues with everything I do and say, even if it is not her business. She spends large amounts of time on personal phone calls, which interrupt my concentration, and mocks me for not doing the same.

My manager, while sympathetic, tells me I'm a far more experienced "pro" and to ignore her. It's nice that management recognizes my experience and commitment, but I'm increasingly frustrated and angry with my co-worker. Her aggravating behavior needs to stop. Any efforts I've made to make her understand have been met with defensiveness or just plain name-calling (in a laughing way).

How do I put a stop to her behavior while continuing to be a team player? I'm ready to look for another job, but I love this one -- except for her. -- STYMIED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR STYMIED: Name-calling, implying you are making things up and ridicule are not acceptable office behavior. Make notes of the date and time of each abusive incident. Then ask the office manager to insist on mutual respect in the work place. It is your employer's responsibility to provide a nonhostile working environment.

DEAR ABBY: If you have room for one more letter about "Disillusioned in Dallas," the gentleman whose manners were unappreciated, feel free to print mine. I am female, and I, too, live in Dallas -- and I'm wondering if this is indigenous to the women of our city.

I am happily married to a mannerly gentleman (one of the many traits that make him so desirable), and we have recently begun teaching our young son the social graces. He practices holding doors open for women while we're out shopping. He smiles as he props his 4-year-old body against the door to hold it open, and incredible as it sounds, not one woman under the age of 50 has ever thanked him.

When this occurs, I forgo my manners and say to my son (loudly enough for the offender to hear), "She should've thanked you, but her manners aren't as good as yours." I would have to say the same applies to "Disillusioned's" acquaintances.

If these rude, self-absorbed women aren't appreciative of, or touched by, the efforts of a young boy, it's no surprise that they're equally unappreciative of such courtesies extended by the gentleman they choose to date.

Abby, please tell "Disillusioned" to continue his courteous, respectful manners, and I will continue teaching them to my son. The women of Dallas have a legacy of being some of the most beautiful, successful women in the country. I'm hopeful that in the future, they'll also be known for their good manners. -- DETERMINED IN DALLAS

DEAR DETERMINED: Anyone who would ignore the efforts of a child to do the right thing must have a heart of stone. A stranger pausing to praise a child for being well-behaved or practicing good manners can leave an even more lasting impression than when a parent does it.

Stick to your guns, Mom, and continue to teach your son the social graces. They're still something that well-bred people need to know.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)