DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to the one written by "Determined in Dallas," who prides herself on courtesy and who is attempting to pass on similar traits to her 4-year-old son. When her son kindly holds the door open for a stranger, and that stranger neglects to say thank you, "Determined" feels it necessary to announce ("loud enough for the offender to hear"), "She should've thanked you, but her manners aren't as good as yours!"

The lesson that "Determined" is teaching her son is that it's OK to embarrass and correct total strangers when they don't follow your beliefs. This, in my opinion, is far more rude than not saying thank you. If "Determined" wants to reinforce the idea of thanking others, she'd do better to speak to her son privately and quietly. She could also teach him (and remind herself) that a truly kind person performs acts of kindness without expecting thank-yous and applause. -- NOT THANKED YET STILL COURTEOUS

DEAR NOT THANKED: You are not the only reader who took pen in hand to point out that the zealous mother might be sending her son the wrong message -- and displaying rudeness in the bargain. While it would have been more tactful of her to direct her comments quietly to her son, I still believe that small children need positive reinforcement. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Determined in Dallas," the mother of the 4-year-old boy, brought back memories of my dear grandmother, Alice. While reading that letter, I thought you might scold her a bit about her reply to thoughtless strangers "... loudly enough for the offender to hear."

Personally, I think she did the right thing. I recall how my Alice would hold the door for people, and when they "forgot" to say thank you, undaunted, she would call out one of her cheery "You're welcomes." -- ALEX KALINOWSKY, RIDGELAND, S.C.

DEAR ALEX: Your Grandmother Alice must have been quite a woman. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The recent letters about courtesy miss the point, which is that human beings should be courteous to one another regardless of gender.

As my husband says, what works for one gender should work for the other as well. Good manners should mean being thoughtful and considerate of others and open to giving or receiving an act of courtesy depending on the situation -- not the gender. -- SALLY ROSLOFF, NORTHRIDGE, CALIF.

DEAR SALLY: Your husband is absolutely right. And his philosophy is similar to that of manners maven Tish Baldrige, who sagely points out: "Manners embrace socially acceptable behavior ... but also much more than that. They are an expression of how you treat others when you care about them, their self-esteem, and their feelings. ... In a chaotic world, they can make order out of disorder and give you the power to bring pleasure into other people's lives."

It's worth thinking about.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "HOW DO I KNOW IT'S LOVE?": "Love is that condition in which the happiness of someone else is essential to your own." -- Robert Heinlein (1907-1988)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please tell your animal-loving readers everywhere to mark their calendars. Pet Adoptathon 2000 will take place on May 6 and 7. The first Pet Adoptathon of the new millennium promises to be the biggest, most exciting lifesaving weekend the world has ever experienced. Last year's event was unbelievable -- more than 37,000 animals' lives were saved through the hard work and dedication of more than 2,400 animal organizations around the globe.

What began as a local event at North Shore Animal League has flourished into a huge international celebration -- the foremost occasion in the 21st century for all animal groups to join forces and find loving homes for more orphaned pets. This year, the league and shelters across the country and around the world are working tirelessly toward one goal -- to increase the number of dogs, cats, puppies and kittens placed with loving, caring adopters during Pet Adoptathon 2000.

North Shore Animal League is calling on all animal lovers to start off the century on the right foot and paw. Open your hearts and homes to the innocent animal orphans available for adoption. Their lives depend on it. -- J. JOHN STEVENSON, PRESIDENT, NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE

DEAR JOHN: I'm pleased to help spread the word. Readers, for the name of a participating shelter near you, call the North Shore Animal League's toll-free number: 1-877-236-9725. Many shelters will be open extended hours -- some through the night -- to help you find that special pet, that perfect furry friend who will give you a lifetime of love and devotion.

That said, I would like to add: Before you rush out to adopt one of these orphan pets, please take a moment to be sure you are ready to make a commitment that will last for many years. Pets are wonderful, but they require proper care and attention, and many require training to be the pleasurable companions you may be seeking.

If you are ready for this responsibility, get to the shelter early -- and select the pet who was born to be loved by you!

DEAR ABBY: Have you ever heard of a "weight-loss shower"? The premise of the shower is a celebration of weight loss. The individual hosting the shower has lost 30 pounds, and this definitely is cause for celebration.

The "catch" to this shower is that the guests are expected to bring monetary gifts so the hostess can buy a new wardrobe to fit her smaller figure.

I would love to hear what you and your readers think about such a shower. -- AMBIGUOUS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR AMBIGUOUS: Weight loss certainly is a positive reason for supportive family and friends to get together and help the hostess celebrate. However, she has no business hosting her own "shower." Furthermore, I'm taken aback by the idea that guests will be expected to foot the bill for a new wardrobe. If such a shower is successful, what's to stop someone who has put on a few pounds from using a shower to raise money for a wardrobe for his or her fuller figure -- or a kitchen shower to replace broken dishes, or a bedding shower because the sheets are getting thin? Readers, care to comment?

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My father, the late Wilferd A. Peterson, wrote an essay that I feel is needed by parents who are floundering in this day of terror in the schools. I have heard on the radio and seen on television the same idea expressed in various ways, but none expressed it as well as my father did in his essay.

The "Art of Parenthood" was published in "The Art of Living Treasure Chest" (Simon and Schuster), but I would be pleased if you would print it in your column. -- LILIAN PETERSON THORPE, PINEHURST, N.C.

DEAR LILIAN: Your talented father offers valuable advice in this essay. I am pleased to share it with my readers. Read on:

THE ART OF PARENTHOOD

by Wilferd A. Peterson

"Of all the commentaries on the Scriptures," wrote John Donne, "good examples are the best."

In practicing the art of parenthood, an ounce of example is worth a ton of preachment.

Our children are watching us live, and what we ARE shouts louder than anything we can SAY.

When we set an example of honesty, our children will be honest.

When we practice tolerance, they will be tolerant.

When we demonstrate good sportsmanship, they will be good sports.

When we meet life with laughter and a twinkle in our eye, they will develop a sense of humor.

When we are thankful for life's blessings, they will be thankful.

When we express friendliness, they will be friendly.

When we speak words of praise, they will praise others.

When we confront failure, defeat and misfortune with a gallant spirit, they will learn to live bravely.

When our lives affirm our faith in the enduring values of life, they will rise above doubt and skepticism.

When we surround them with the love and goodness of God, they will discover life's meaning.

When we set an example of heroic living, they will be heroes.

Don't just stand there pointing your finger to the heights you want your children to scale. Start climbing, and they will follow!

DEAR ABBY: April 30 is a "memorial day" for many Vietnamese people, because we lost our loving home country, Vietnam, due to the fall of Saigon on April 30, 1975.

I would like to express my appreciation to American individuals and the families of those who supported and sacrificed for my country during the Vietnam War, and to those who opened their hearts to welcome us, the refugees, to resettle in this country.

Your sacrifice and generosity deserve blessings. -– PETER TRAN, GARLAND, TEXAS

DEAR PETER: Thank you for a beautiful letter. It will be particularly meaningful to Vietnam veterans, as well as the families of soldiers who died in the conflict.

I have found Vietnamese people to be upstanding and hardworking, and we are enriched by their presence.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)