DEAR ABBY: The letters from "Grieving Grandmother" and Anne Coakley were tragic reminders of the problem of guns in our nation. Unfortunately, such episodes get little attention from the media except on a local newscast or in the back pages of the local paper. They aren't "news." It happens all too often. It takes a school massacre to get the national notice the situation deserves.

Perhaps what needs to be done is to have a running "scoreboard" set up in New York's Times Square: a continuing count of the gun deaths in the entire nation since the start of every year. The count could even be categorized by accidental deaths and murders. Running messages could give the particulars of the latest death as to date, location and the victim's age.

I realize this is a macabre suggestion. However, some drastic measure is needed to engage the public's full awareness of the magnitude of our problem. I also realize that it would require a great deal of money to rent the sign and acquire the necessary information. However, perhaps some organization or philanthropist would be interested. -- CONCERNED OCTOGENARIAN, ST. ALBANS, W.VA.

DEAR CONCERNED: Your suggestion is no more macabre than the billboards that advertise the number of deaths per year from smoking. Frankly, I think billboards addressing serious issues are a public service.

To embellish on your idea just a little -- the gun-death scoreboard could be designed to look like a game in a shooting gallery. Every time the death toll increases, a bell could "ding!" and a duck could disappear from the screen. It's really not so far-fetched -- as it stands today, almost all of us are sitting ducks. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You've printed several letters lately about gun safety. Let me tell you about a near-fatal gun accident that happened in 1944 aboard the submarine USS Cato.

The gunner's mate first class brought a 20 mm submachine gun into the crew's mess and proceeded to use one of the tables to disassemble, clean and oil the weapon.

Although he was an experienced weapons handler, he forgot the first safety regulation: "Inspect your weapon and be certain it is EMPTY."

When he carelessly pulled the trigger, the weapon fired. The bullet ricocheted off the bulkheads and over the heads of eight or nine of us shipmates. Miraculously, it missed all of us and providently wound up in the left upper arm of the gunner's mate!

During the gunner's mate's court-martial, the executive officer remarked, "So, you shot yourself. It serves you right! I hope you learned something."

He was reduced to third class, and at the end of that patrol was transferred off the ship in disgrace. The gunner's mate "learned something," all right -- he learned that his shipmates could be cruel in their sarcasm for weeks after.

I learned something from that incident, too. I am now 80, and in all these years I have never owned or kept a gun in my house. -- LOWELL K. ALLEN, RCMS (SS) U.S. NAVY (RET.) DEAR LOWELL: You and your shipmates had a close call. It brings home the point that expertise with weapons doesn't guarantee they are always handled safely. Gun enthusiasts often write to say, "Guns don't kill people; people kill people." However, people are human, and human beings have accidents. It's human nature.

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DEAR ABBY: I am the father of a 7-year-old daughter who takes swimming lessons through a community program. Recently, the instructor -- a high school girl -- showed up for class wearing a swimsuit that became mostly transparent when wet. This made me very uncomfortable.

After class, I mentioned to her that I felt her swimsuit was too revealing and inappropriate for a class of grade school-age children and their parents. Two days later, her supervisor called and told me she had received a complaint from the instructor. The instructor had interpreted my comment as "putting the moves on her."

Her supervisor, who was not in class that day, told me I should have ignored the situation, and if it really bothered me, I should have called her instead of talking with the instructor. I've been told I cannot speak to this young woman when I see her in class, and she will no longer be allowed to work with my daughter.

I am happily married, and I have no desire or need to look elsewhere for a sexual turn-on. However, it is hard to ignore a young woman's breasts when they are staring you in the face. I feel that this situation has been blown out of proportion, and if the instructor were my daughter, I would want someone to tell her if her clothing was inappropriate.

Have we gotten to the point with sexual harassment that we can't help another person who is being ogled in public? What would you have done in this situation? -- SORRY I NOTICED THE NEW SWIMSUIT, WISCONSIN DAD

DEAR SORRY: Interesting question. For a 17-year-old girl to be told by the father of one of her students that her swimsuit looked like it had been designed by the creator of the emperor's new clothes was extremely embarrassing.

I would have been less direct than you in dealing with it. First, I would have told my wife about it. My wife would have been only too happy to telephone the supervisor and give her chapter and verse. A swimming class is not Anatomy 101. From then on, I'd bet the girl would have been teaching her classes in something less revealing.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding the letter from "Tired of Being Taken for Granted," whose fiance is out socializing and leaving her at home. This lady may be in a committed relationship, but her fiance, Ric, is not committed to anything but HIMSELF.

I write from experience. I have been married for 40 years to a Ric. I've sat at home, been excluded and treated with disrespect by my Ric.

It's not the friends who cause the problem -- it's Ric. All the excuses he gives about why he must be without her are purely selfish, insensitive reasons to stay noncommitted.

He has a cook, cleaning lady and a bed partner without a commitment to a relationship. Do you honestly think it will get better? No way!

My message for this woman is: Run while you can. You deserve better. -- BEEN THERE AND STILL THERE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BEEN THERE: After 40 years of the kind of married life you described, I understand why this letter struck a nerve. You echoed my original reply by stating that it's not the friends who are the cause of the problem -- it's Ric. And if he's unwilling to change, she would be better off without him.

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DEAR ABBY: My letter is in response to "Hurt in Pennsylvania," who wanted her daughter judged on her merits rather than on her Down syndrome.

I, too, am a mother of a daughter with Down syndrome, and I felt bad for "Hurt" -- not because her daughter has Down syndrome, but because she failed to recognize those who were obviously attempting to empathize with her, and she is reacting with disdain. I felt bad that your response to her was that her letter "said it very well," because I don't share your view. It is not easy to accept a disability in any child. Down syndrome children ARE similar in many respects; however, that doesn't take away from their individualism. "They" ARE "all so sweet"!

Most people are afraid of the unknown, and when people try to ease someone's pain or "grieving" (as she put it), they shouldn't be alluded to as "insensitive jerks." Our tolerance for others should not be conditional on our own inability to cope. Perhaps it helps others deal with their obvious discomfort to "share their experiences with individuals who have Down syndrome." I, for one, am grateful for all the many people who come forward and offer their love and support since our daughter's birth, even when the attempts are less than perfect.

My daughter is now 19, has graduated from high school and holds a job. There are still difficult things to deal with, but she has affected more people's lives for good than I would have ever dreamed. -- ANNA'S MOM, DIANN STEWART, LAS VEGAS

DEAR DIANN: I'm pleased that your daughter, Anna, has achieved her many successes. However, the message that "Hurt" was trying to deliver is that it's rude to discuss someone's disability during a casual encounter. I printed her letter because I hoped it would cause people to think about how such comments might be received. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Hurt in Pennsylvania" should be grateful her daughter wasn't born in the '40s, as was my brother -- who is 52 this year and doing just fine, thank you. She is fortunate she has not had people ostracize her for having a "ruined" child, as my parents did. A "Christian" minister to whom they had gone for counseling actually told them they had given birth to this "Mongoloid" boy because they had sinned! Other mothers wouldn't let their children play with my brother and me for fear they would "catch it."

We were an Air Force family, and in the '50s we were accosted on the street in Wiesbaden, Germany, by a man who told us he didn't want to see this "abomination" on the public streets, and we should immediately have my brother put away! (Well, at least he didn't say "put down"!)

In high school and college, I was told by young men that they would date me, but not to expect anything further (like love and marriage), because they didn't want "retards" for children.

People like me and my family have worked for the last 50 years to educate the public, and if I am approached by well-meaning folks when I'm out with my brother, they are received politely and are liable to get a brief lecture on Down syndrome, along with the fact that, as far as science can tell, it is a tragic genetic accident, and NOT hereditary. -- CHERI THROOP, FORT WORTH, TEXAS

DEAR CHERI: I hope that during the last three decades the public has learned enough about Down syndrome that no other family has to experience the pain that yours (and I am sure many others) did because of ignorance.

For those interested in learning more about Down syndrome, the National Down Syndrome Society Web page is at www.ndss.org.

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