DEAR ABBY: I just learned something about an acquaintance I have known for about 12 years. She was my customer until I stopped working a few months ago. I have taken her out for coffee once a month to stay in touch and keep with the news.

Last week, after coffee, she took her time leaving the table. I glanced back and was shocked to see her pick up the tip I had left for the server. I watched her again today as we were leaving the coffee shop. She did it again.

Abby, I like her, but I no longer want to take her out for coffee, especially not in this restaurant. It's one my husband and I visit frequently. I'm embarrassed that the servers haven't been getting my tips and must think I'm cheap.

How do I handle this friendship, and how do I walk into that restaurant again without hanging my head? -- BAFFLED IN TACOMA

DEAR BAFFLED: You may have been acquainted with this person for 12 years, but you're just now getting to know her. How to "handle the friendship"? Confront her. Ask if she's having financial difficulties. Lay down the law and tell her you will not stand for this kind of behavior.

As for the personnel who have been stiffed: Talk to the manager of the restaurant and offer to make good the gratuities that have been pocketed by your guest.

DEAR ABBY: I belong to a group that meets weekly for potluck dinners. Several guests regularly help themselves to two servings of an entree and several pieces of bread before everyone has had the opportunity to get a first serving.

Because of this, there is often no meat or bread left for those at the end of the line. Others eat quickly and get back in line for second and third helpings before some have had their first!

This can only be described as gluttony, and it has upset members of our group. Should we appoint a leader and announce the buffet-line rules before the dinner begins, or should we speak to the offenders individually? -- OFFENDED IN TEXAS

DEAR OFFENDED: I think an etiquette lesson is in order. Don't single out the culprits; it would only embarrass them. Make a general announcement of the rules before dinner. Alternatively, designate members to "serve" sensible portions. That should put a stop to the pigging out.

DEAR ABBY: When a spouse dies, I know that many people continue to wear their wedding rings. However, after a divorce, how soon must you remove them? -- EVE IN ALABAMA

DEAR EVE: Tradition and the rules of etiquette dictate that when a woman is no longer married, she removes her wedding band. The rings can be disposed of in any way she sees fit. (Some women have them made into earrings!) However, I find it curious that anyone would persist in wearing a reminder of a painful experience on her ring finger, left hand -- which would discourage attention from someone who might be suitable.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I returned unexpectedly from work to find my husband and my best friend in an intimate embrace. Later my husband confirmed that he had kissed her. I have not heard from my friend since this occurred a week ago.

My question is this: Do you think I should confront her about this? My husband swears it was a one-time thing, and I guess I believe him. My friend and my husband were also friends. Over the years, I have watched them grow quite close, even to the point that I was uncomfortable with their affection.

I guess I should have been more observant, but like most women married more than 10 years, I trusted my husband completely. What a fool I was! This "one kiss" has shattered my self-confidence and damaged my marriage, not to mention that I have lost a friendship that spanned my entire married life.

I want to believe my husband, but I also want to know if I am living a lie or if this marriage is worth saving. She may be the answer. What should I do? -- BETRAYED AND FRIENDLESS, NORFOLK, VA.

DEAR BETRAYED: By all means have a heart-to-heart chat with your former best friend. It might be helpful to hear what she has to say. Keep in mind, however, that if she's in love with your husband, she could try to use the conversation to sabotage your marriage.

Whether or not your marriage is worth saving can best be determined through counseling with your husband. It will take effort on the part of both of you, but other marriages have weathered this kind of storm and have emerged stronger than ever.

DEAR ABBY: May I add my experience to the letter from "Disgusted in Indiana," who believes that it's sacrilegious to list pets in obituaries as survivors of a loved one? I couldn't disagree more. I find it obscene to have to include someone who didn't live up to the part.

My husband and I were married more than 30 years. He was very good to his mother. She didn't return the favor. She mostly took from him. I watched her divorce herself from anything distasteful. My husband was diagnosed with cancer, and although he fought it with all his might, there came the terrible time when the doctor told me he would not survive. I had to tell my mother-in-law, who quite matter-of-factly told me she didn't want to see him but wished to remember him "the way he was." She never saw or talked to him again.

I brought him home so he could pass away there. Our pets never turned away from him, but gave him great joy. His mother could have done the same, but didn't. I wanted his obituary to include those he loved and those who loved him back. It never occurred to me not to include our pets. I felt obligated to include his mother strictly because she was his mother, not because she deserved to be included. -- MOURNING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MOURNING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved husband. That he could not have the comfort of his mother's presence and support as he lay dying was a tragedy for both of them.

Please try to forgive her. While I understand your anger and disgust at the woman, she deserves your sympathy. She's a woman who's unable to cope with the realities of life, and apparently her fear of death is so profound that she preferred living in a fantasy to seeing her child through to the end.

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DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter regarding Ralph George and his veterans' speaking program. I hope vets all over the country are doing this. I have -- on my own -- spoken to classes at both elementary and college levels. I have also spoken to service clubs.

I served in an area referred to as "the forgotten theater." The China-Burma-India theater is not even mentioned in many history books. When there is a program on World War II, it is usually devoted to Europe or the Pacific. The CBI (as we call it) was a hostile, unforgiving area, with high mountains, dense jungle, rampant disease (more men fell to disease than to enemy action), foul weather, and rain for half the year (200 to 300 inches). Furthermore, many of the mountain tribes were headhunters.

Many Americans are not aware that we were fighting in China and Burma almost a year before Pearl Harbor and for six months after Japan surrendered. The U.S. government is not even sure how many Americans served in the CBI -- figures range from 200,000 to 750,000. However, most settle for 250,000 personnel. A friend who served in Europe told me that the CBI was used as a threat: "You foul up one time and you'll find yourself in the CBI!"

It's important for Americans to know we were there. Find a CBI veteran in your area and have him speak to your group. A friend of mine doesn't discuss it because he fears no one would believe him. -- BOB FAGELSON, NATIONAL HISTORIAN, CBI VETERANS ASSOCIATION

DEAR BOB: Since I printed that letter, I have heard from readers from both the United States and Canada, describing similar programs involving veterans groups. While I think that veterans sharing their personal experiences in the classroom is a terrific way to bring a chapter in our history to life, not all readers viewed it in the same way. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter from Ralph George about talking to children in classrooms was lacking in a very important point. He gave the impression that war is not so bad. Abby, the job of our armed forces in war is to kill people and destroy property. It's a terrible purpose. The talks should not ignore these realities.

Permit me to quote from a speech Franklin D. Roosevelt gave on Aug. 24, 1936: "I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded. I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed. I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. I HATE WAR!" -- STANTON SCHUMAN, ATTORNEY-AT-LAW, GLENCOE, ILL.

DEAR STANTON: I agree that war is a tragedy and its realities should not be glossed over, but neither should they be belabored. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The veterans in the classroom program will not work. Most vets cannot tell you about their experiences because that would make them relive them. My brother was a four-time Vietnam vet, and he could not tell anyone what he did. Thank God he is dead and doesn't have to relive that part of his life over and over.

You should never ask vets to talk about major battles they have been in. What they saw was too horrible. I will never reveal some things he told me. They were unspeakable. -- A VETERAN'S SISTER

DEAR SISTER: I respectfully disagree. When a trauma is locked inside, it cannot heal; it grows and festers until sometimes it takes over the person's life. Talking with professionals and others who have experienced the same horror is often therapeutic. Such programs are ongoing at VA medical centers -- as well they should be. Until a person starts talking, he cannot start healing.

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