DEAR ABBY: Here's a new twist to what I believe is an old story. Four years ago, my husband (Jim) passed away, leaving me a widow. A year later, Jim's sister passed away, leaving her husband (John) a widower.

John and I were always good friends, and for three years now we have enjoyed an intimate, compatible friendship. Not unusual, for according to Jewish tradition, a surviving brother-in-law cared for the surviving sister-in-law.

My problem: In many of my anguished dreams, John's wife appears, reclaiming her relationship with John. She asks me what I'm doing in John's bed! While my husband Jim would be more understanding, John's wife wants what was once hers! We argue back and forth over our individual women's rights, while John sits back and says nothing. Eventually, I capitulate! Can you tell me why?

Am I a female milksop? Does being 78 have anything to do with it? How can I dream myself out of this? -- LADY IN L.A.

DEAR LADY: You can't, so let's look at this with our eyes wide open. As much as you enjoy the relationship with your former brother-in-law, I suspect you unconsciously feel some guilt about it. You know his wife wouldn't approve. And because he hasn't made a formal commitment to you, in a sense he still belongs to her. ("He just sits there and says nothing.") I find it interesting that at the end of the dream you "capitulate." Perhaps deep down you feel he will always be hers and never yours.

Instead of trying to "dream" your way out of it, have a talk with John and describe the dream in detail. Then ask him if the relationship is going anywhere. The dream is less important than what's going on in the clear light of day.

DEAR ABBY: I have been working full-time since I was 18. I am now 35. I just left my job as a recruiter where I worked for three years, and have been doing some administrative temp jobs. My problem is nothing seems to excite or fulfill me anymore. I'm not afraid to work hard, but I'm not sure of what kind of work I want to do now.

I have done many different things in the past. I have had my own computer service business, done administrative assisting, been a recruiter. Is something wrong with me? I feel lost right now because I can't pinpoint what I want to do next.

My husband is very supportive. We can survive on his salary, but I have to do something. We have no children yet. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. -- CHRISTIE IN SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR CHRISTIE: There is nothing wrong with you, so stop worrying. Career counseling and testing to discover untapped interests and aptitudes could be very helpful. Many colleges and universities offer such programs. Also, since you are not under pressure economically, consider doing some volunteer work to widen your interests, or taking some adult education classes.

Please let me hear from you in six months. I predict you'll be doing something you enjoy.

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DEAR ABBY: I have recently "come out" to my family for who I really am -- a transsexual. I have felt this way as long as I can remember. At 26, I could no longer hide myself and, after seeing a therapist, I have begun the process of changing my gender. Some members of my family support me. However, my father and grandparents are staunchly against this. They say they will not accept it because to do so would be to admit that God makes mistakes.

Abby, I am not a "mistake," and neither are others like me. I have had tests, and they confirm that this is genetic. In no way do I think that God makes mistakes. God made me this way, and I must deal with it in the way that makes me happiest. Since I have come out, I have been happier than I have ever been, and I plan to finish my transition over the next few years.

Every move I have made on this journey has been considerate of those around me, changing gradually rather than shocking them by completely altering my appearance overnight.

Could you please help me educate my family and others who know so little about what the transgendered community goes through? We struggle to lead normal lives and try to be productive in society. We are teachers, lawyers, doctors and office workers. As few as we are, we are not mistakes as my father claims. Still, we face prejudice on a daily

basis. We need our families to stand behind us as we make our way through this challenging journey. Please, Abby, help educate people to see that we are just like them. -- TRANSGENDERED IN CHICAGO

DEAR TRANSGENDERED: You are not a mistake. Followed to its logical conclusion, your father's attitude would make the entire medical profession unnecessary. Transsexualism is inborn. Children as young as 3 have insisted that their true gender is not their birth gender. I congratulate you for being honest about who you are, knowing it might be difficult for some people to understand. I also applaud those family members who support you.

The usual gender transition involves a period of psychotherapy to consider all of the ramifications, followed by hormonal therapy, and then living full-time in the new gender for at least a year before seeking sexual reassignment surgery.

This is not an easy process for the transsexual person, nor for the family. Parents often experience many of the same emotions that occur in the grief process -- shock, anger, denial, guilt, sadness, and finally acceptance. Learning to use the new name is difficult; new pronouns are even harder. All of this takes time and commitment, but is a necessary part of the process.

Loving parents who want their child to be happy must learn to be accepting. Many transsexuals live very successfully in their new gender, and claim they are truly happy for the first time in their lives. Many families are proud of their "new" sons and daughters and report their relationships have vastly improved since their child's transition.

I would urge any family in this situation to contact PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They have many resources available for transgendered people and their families. Their mailing address is: PFLAG, 1726 M Street, NW, Washington, DC 20036 and the Web address is www.pflag.org.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman (no children) who hosts several family parties during the year. I have six brothers and sisters. All are married, and they have a total of 16 children. Everyone in the family is invited to these family get-togethers -- and I used to looking forward to seeing them. The problem is, my brother's five children each bring a boyfriend or girlfriend. I never know when these "extra five" people are coming, and it makes planning a party difficult. (If all the nieces and nephews started bringing their friends, there would be 32 children!)

My brother never tells me that their kids' friends are coming -- and when they do come, they socialize only with each other. When I was a teen-ager, if we did not want to attend a family gathering, we stayed home; we did not invite our friends. Isn't it inconsiderate to bring uninvited guests to someone's home?

My mother tells me not to say anything, just to be happy we all get together and get along. My feeling is if others approve of uninvited guests at their parties, that is their decision. I believe it is my choice who attends a party I host. Do you think I am being old-fashioned? -- IRRITATED AUNT IN OHIO

DEAR IRRITATED: There's nothing old-fashioned about good manners. Inform your siblings you would prefer that your parties be "family only" -- then relax the rule once a year and make it an open house where everyone is invited.

You are fortunate to have a large, loving family. Not everyone is so blessed.

DEAR ABBY: I am trying to find out what "business casual" means. The dress code for men has just changed in my office, and ties and suits are now optional. Most wear dress shirts and khaki pants. Some men are sporting necklaces. Where do you draw the line? -- FASHION-CONFUSED IN L.A.

DEAR FASHION-CONFUSED: You've asked an intelligent question. Everyone would be better served if some guidelines were issued. The problem lies in the hesitance of many employers to issue a specific dress code, which has left many people confused. What is or is not acceptable attire is a line that must be drawn by the employers.

Whether employees wear a suit and tie, slacks and a sport coat, or khakis and a casual shirt, attire in the workplace should always look neat and professional. While some employers feel that casual dress improves productivity, I have received mail from readers telling me just the opposite.

DEAR ABBY: My brother has asked me to be his best man. The problem is, I am not a man -- I am a girl. I am honored to have been asked, but I don't know what to wear. I don't want to wear what the bridesmaids are wearing because I will look like I walked the wrong way or something. Are there tuxedos for women? -- STUCK IN FRANKLIN, TENN.

DEAR STUCK: Yes, there are elegant tuxedos for women -- some with pants and some with skirts. If the wedding isn't formal, a simple, elegant dinner suit would also be appropriate. Ask your brother and future sister-in-law which they would prefer.

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