DEAR ABBY: My 9-year-old sister witnessed our mother's murder and her killer's suicide, and she now suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder. She has since come to live with me and has become an important part of my life. Having her with me has helped me to cope with my grief.

When people hear of our shared tragedy, they react with sympathy. However, they seem to feel it's their duty to tell my sister how grateful she should be to me. Both of us find this remark insulting, bordering on a guilt trip.

I think their comments are inappropriate and more than a little insensitive. How do I firmly cut these people short before they cause my sister more undue stress -- but gently, to also spare their feelings? -- PROTECTIVE IN FLORIDA

DEAR PROTECTIVE: I offer my sympathy for the tragedy that befell your mother. When well-meaning but insensitive people start talking about how grateful your sister should be, simply say: "I'm the one who's grateful. I need my sister at least as much as she needs me. We're fortunate to have each other." It's the truth.

DEAR ABBY: I recently moved to a new neighborhood with my husband and children. It's a nice street, nice neighbors, no complaints really -- except one.

My neighbor "Cheryl" won't leave me alone. She wants our children to play together constantly. When our kids aren't playing, she is calling me. I like her, but enough is enough. I have my own family and friends, and I don't have time to talk to her 24/7.

I cannot hide. She knows when I am home and when I'm out. As soon as I get home, the phone starts ringing. Even when I'm out, she calls my cell phone and asks what I'm doing. And now the computer! She checks to see if I'm online!

It's getting to be too much. I don't know how to say anything without hurting her feelings. I actually pray for rainy days so I can stay indoors. Other than moving, what can I do? -- PRISONER IN MY NEW HOME

DEAR PRISONER: Some of this is your own fault. You gave Cheryl your cell phone number and e-mail address, so you shouldn't blame her for using them.

If you want your life back, put some starch in your spine and explain to this needy (and presumptuous) woman that you don't have time to fulfill all her needs -- you already have a family and social life.

When she comes over uninvited, tell her you are busy. If she calls at an inopportune time, explain that you will call her back because it is not convenient to talk "now." (Return the call when you have time to chat.) Ask her not to call you on your cell phone. If she persists, change the number. Do the same with your e-mail address.

In other words, draw some boundaries around your life and kindly (but firmly) insist that she respect them. Your life will not be your own if you don't, and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read with distress the letter from "Depressed Teen in the Desert," the 14-year-old who lost a martial arts tournament. As a youth coach for many years, I am convinced there is entirely too much emphasis placed on winning as a measure of success in sports today.

True success is overcoming adversity and performing to the best of your ability. There will always be someone who is better than you. That doesn't mean you won't win, but most likely, you won't win every match. In sports, success should be measured in progress and effort.

"Depressed Teen" may have come up short on the scoreboard, but he is not a failure. A failure is someone who gives up, or gives less than his or her best effort. -- COACH IN WASHINGTON

DEAR COACH: I hope the young person who wrote takes your letter to heart. Adults recognize that success is a process, a road that is constantly under construction. Young adults often are hard on themselves when they don't succeed right away. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please remind "Depressed Teen" that Babe Ruth -- who held the record for home runs -- also held the record for striking out. Also, at one time, both Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan were considered not good enough to play on their school's teams. Abraham Lincoln, one of our greatest presidents, lost more elections than he won.

The one consistent factor with all of these guys is that they kept trying. Nobody considers them "losers."

At age 14, "Teen's" body hasn't come close to the peak of what he will be able to do if he doesn't give up now. The fact that he even made it to the tournament puts him way ahead of most spectators.

A loser? No, sir -- no way! Please give him this message. -- T.J., THE TEACHER

DEAR T.J.: Well said! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and also a martial artist. I have been training for more than three years and have my black belt. After every class, we recite the "Tenets of the Martial Arts." The first is perseverance. Perseverance is vital; it's the key to achieving. If I didn't believe that, I would have given up long ago. Everybody fails before they ever win. (I know I have.) "Teen" should be proud he made it to the state championships (what an honor!). Although he lost, he must get back up and keep trying. It's the only way to succeed. I hope this martial artist doesn't sacrifice his talents because of one loss. -- PERSEVERANCE ALWAYS WINS

DEAR "PERSEY": I'm sure "Depressed Teen" will be grateful for your pep talk. You're very wise. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: May I offer a comment to "Depressed Teen in the Desert"? At age 14, there are many more martial arts tournaments ahead of you. Remember that Thomas Edison tried many times to create the electric light. His last attempt is the one people remember! -- C. JOHNSON, HANFORD, CALIF.

DEAR C: That's succinct and astute. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please ask "Depressed Teen" to consider this -- Chuck Norris failed his first black-belt test. (Read about it and his successful second attempt in his autobiography, "The Secret of Inner Strength.") In the long run, do you think that experience held him back or pushed him forward? -- TOM NORDLIE, GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR TOM: Good question. I'll bet few people know that Chuck Norris ever failed. Thanks for the interesting tidbit. And thank you to all the caring people who made the effort to offer encouragement to a young athlete who clearly had a bad day.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 42 and recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I had my last child at 37. One day I encountered a very rude woman. She raved about how cute my baby was and then proceeded to ask me if he was my grandson! In this day and age, many women have babies in their 40s and beyond. I would never ask a woman of any age that question. I know from experience that it can ruin her day.

I realize I'm old enough to be the grandmother, but the point is that I am not. Since I'm five years older now, I'm sure I'll encounter the same situation. I wonder if I should wear a button that says, "No, I'm not the grandmother. I'm the mother."

Another impertinent question I have been asked is, "Are you going to have your tubes tied now?" Abby, it is no one's business!

Can you please tell me what to say when rude people ask me these questions? -- "GREAT" BUT NOT "GRAND" MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: When someone asks if you're the baby's grandmother, smile and reply, "Why do you ask?" If the person is rude enough to answer that you appear too old to be the mother, inform him or her that you ARE the child's mother and you feel that's "grand"!

When asked if you're going to have your tubes tied, reply, "If that were any of your business, you would already know the answer to that question."

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your response to "Unglued in Massachusetts," who was offended when people use a preprinted mailing label on their correspondence. You asked her what was more important -- the envelope or its contents.

I am a deaf, legally blind man with partially paralyzed fingers on my writing hand. I use the labels for mailing, and give them to people in places like repair shops and medical offices when I'm asked for my personal information.

Abby, my handwriting looks like a doctor's prescription written on a plane in heavy turbulence. However, even in my condition, I still get the impression people think it is rude of me to use the labels. -- SCOTT E. JOHNSTON, APOPKA, FLA.

DEAR SCOTT: Your reasons for using preprinted labels are practical and sensible. Common sense has to rule. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired U.S. postal employee and would like to inform "Unglued" that the U.S. Postal Service recommends and prefers preprinted mailing labels in place of handwritten names and addresses. Our automation equipment can read legible preprinted labels at an enormous rate of speed, thus getting the mail to the addressee much quicker. -- BOB MIKRUT, GLEN ELLYN, ILL.

DEAR BOB: Thank you for writing. For anyone who doesn't know it, the Postal Service also prefers envelopes on which addresses have been typed in capital letters with no punctuation marks.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "HEARTBROKEN PARENTS": "Tolerance is the positive and cordial effort to understand another's beliefs, practices and habits without necessarily sharing or accepting them." -- Joshua Liebman

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)