DEAR ABBY: After Thanksgiving in 1972, my mother, Helen Buckles, sent a letter to all her children. She was unhappy about the way we had behaved. I thought your readers might want to "review it" before this Thanksgiving! -- BOB BUCKLES, DOWNEY, CALIF.

DEAR BOB: Thanksgiving? They might want to review it before dinner tonight! Your dear mother did you "kids" a big favor. Read on:

"It was brought to my attention Thanksgiving Day that I had failed to teach you, my children, certain rules of table manners. Lest you go through life in such a state, I will now try to rectify my gross error by setting down for you a few simple rules:

"Remember, table manners, as all other kinds of manners, have as their basis consideration for others.

"1. Come to the table promptly when the hostess calls you. Food tastes better when it is hot.

"2. Sit at the table with the four legs of the chair flat on the floor. Sit straight, with your feet in front of you.

"3. Sit quietly with your hands in your lap until after the blessing or until the hostess starts passing the food.

"4. Wait for the food to be passed to you.

"5. As soon as the food is passed to you, take some and pass it on. Never leave a serving dish beside your plate. Wait until all of the food has been offered before you begin to eat.

"6. Never butter your bread directly from the butter dish. Put butter on your butter plate, break the bread apart, and spread.

"7. Do not talk with your mouth full.

"8. Do not make biological noises or blow your nose at the table.

"9. Keep your elbows off the table and one hand in your lap.

"10. Never wave silverware around while you're eating.

"11. Do not use your finger to push food onto your utensil.

"12. Do not lick your fingers or wipe your hands on the tablecloth.

"13. Don't stuff your mouth with food. Make use of your napkin so you don't offend others with half-chewed food oozing out the corners of your mouth and down your chin.

"14. Keep the conversation pleasant.

"15. Allow your hostess plenty of time to finish her meal before serving dessert.

"16. After the main meal is over, help clear the table before dessert is served. Leave the water glasses, cups and saucers.

"17. Never pick up a dessert dish and hold it in your hand while you eat.

"18. Never eat and run. Remain at the table until the hostess suggests you go elsewhere. Children may ask to be excused.

"19. Offer to help with the dishes. In a very formal atmosphere this would not be true, but in most cases it's acceptable. Don't insist on helping if the hostess doesn't want help.

"20. Always thank the hostess for the invitation. If you can honestly do so, compliment her on the cooking.

"Love, Mother."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I need to vent my frustration over two ludicrous and painful incidents that have occurred since my 21-year-old son, "John," passed away from cancer in 1994.

The oncology doctor who treated John and signed his death certificate moved to a new office in 1996. His staff then sent a "new address" notice -- addressed to our son.

I can top that. This week, we received a "relocation" notice from the mortuary that handled John's funeral. This, too, was addressed to John!

I can handle the music and video club mailings addressed to my son, even though I've written them numerous times informing them of John's death, but I never felt I needed to ask an oncology doctor or mortuary to remove my son's name from their list.

Don't mailing lists ever get updated or destroyed? -- JOHN'S MOTHER IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR MOM: You have my sympathy for your painful predicament. Although we know that no one lives forever -- immortality may indeed exist on hard-drives and computer discs.

Although mailing lists should be updated yearly, it's a task that often gets put on the back burner because of work overload. If you receive any more of these mailings, just toss them.

DEAR ABBY: What's the deal with women today? Why are we so neurotic and insecure when it comes to men?

I am a woman who happens to have many male friends. When one of them gets a girlfriend, she will watch me like a hawk and become angry if I say or do the "wrong" thing around him.

When one of my female friends gets a boyfriend, she'll drop "subtle" hints to me to stay away from her man and focus on my own relationships.

Abby, I am in no way a slut or a man-stealer, nor do I act, dress or give the impression that I am. None of the men I know perceives me this way, either. So I return to my original question: What's the deal with women today? -- STAMP OUT PARANOIA, PALMDALE, CALIF.

DEAR STAMP OUT: Jealousy and insecurity are one-size-fits-all clothes -- and they are worn by both men and women. They are flattering on neither, but they've been around since we were cave dwellers. And I agree, their place is on the rag pile.

DEAR ABBY: I am expecting my first child in a few months. A close friend is throwing a baby shower, which I am not supposed to know about.

I moved to the East Coast about 10 years ago, but I am originally from the Midwest. Many family members and friends still live there.

Would it be tacky to send them a baby shower invitation, or should I just send out a birth announcement? Or can I do both? I am not sure of the proper etiquette.

I still keep in touch with everyone and don't expect them to travel east for the shower. On the other hand, I know some of them would like to be informed of events surrounding the baby's arrival. My mother told me many of my relatives want to send gifts. Please help. -- FIRST-TIME MOM

DEAR FIRST-TIME MOM: Forgo sending shower invitations to anyone who is not expected to attend. It would appear to be a blatant bid for gifts. Since you're still in touch with everyone, the news is out about your pregnancy. Send a birth announcement after your baby arrives. And by the way -- congratulations!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my 50s, have a serious heart condition -- I almost died twice -- and am living on borrowed time. My doctors know it, my family knows it, and I know it. We have talked about it, as well as my living will and organ donation. We have also discussed at length QUALITY of life, as opposed to QUANTITY of life.

Some well-meaning people, out of a mistaken sense of kindness, would like me to do nothing but vegetate. I remind them I am still alive and able to do quite a few things. Perhaps vegetating would extend my life, but what would the "cost" be? Right now I can travel, do most of my own housework, putter in the flower garden and help my husband. While I cannot lift my grandchild or run in the yard with her, I can read to her and help her with the dishes.

It is demoralizing when people refuse to listen as I try to explain quality vs. quantity of life. I know they want me to be cautious because they fear losing me. I am afraid much of the time, and am in no hurry to "meet my Maker," but when that day does come, I'll die knowing I made the best of the most precious gift there is -- life.

Abby, please ask your readers to encourage and help those with limitations to live life to the fullest. And urge your readers who are blessed with good health not to waste it, but to use this gift of life for the good of all. -- LIVING LIFE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR LIVING LIFE: I'm pleased to pass along your message. Our time on Earth is not infinite; therefore, our days should be spent the way we invest our money -- wisely.

You're a pragmatic woman. I admire your determination to suck as much of the juice out of the fruit of life as you can. Bon appetit!

DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old son has cut his beautiful long eyelashes. I am heartbroken. Will they grow back? -- WORRIED MOM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WORRIED MOM: They should grow back. I called my ophthalmologist, who assured me that the normal life cycle of an eyelash is six weeks. In practically no time, your son will be batting his eyelashes again.

P.S. Since sharp, pointed objects near the eyes can be very dangerous, inform your son that there will be severe penalties if he does it again.

DEAR ABBY: I've heard that you can fall in love with people you've met over the Internet, on blind dates or even dialing the wrong number -- but have you ever heard of people falling in love through a toilet bowl?

I am a female inmate in a county jail in California. Men and women here speak to each other through air vents and the plumbing system. We take all the water out and talk through the toilet bowls.

I have met a great guy. I've never seen him, but we have so much in common. After speaking with each other every day for a month, he told me he loved me and wanted to be my "one and only."

I haven't told him I love him yet, because I feel I can't trust my emotions as long as I am locked up. I suspect that I care a great deal about him.

Abby, have you ever heard of a toilet bowl romance? Do you think this is possible? -- BOWLED OVER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BOWLED OVER: Your letter is a first! The answer to your questions are: "No" and "I have my doubts." You may be pulling my chain, but I'll take your word that you are serious. Wait until you are both released and have gotten to know each other before you decide to give your heart to "John" Doe.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)