DEAR ABBY: The letter from "A Grandma or a Doormat?", whose daughter expects Grandma to baby-sit for free and not be reimbursed for the cost of snacks, prompts my own.

Forty years ago, I paid my mother $23 per week to watch my two young children nine hours a day, five days a week. She even washed their diapers for me. I knew I was getting a bargain and was glad to pay.

Today, I watch my two grandchildren five days a week for $20 a day. I do the ironing and pick them up at school. My children let me know that they appreciate my efforts.

Good day care is hard to find at any price. The daughter who was reluctant to help pay for snacks is wrong to resist. The $10 a week Gramma asked is too little. She has to be home every day and cannot make other plans. It is a job. Finding a baby sitter who will provide the type of child care that a grandmother gives is nearly impossible.

Shame on that daughter. She should have been paying since the beginning. -- MIDWEST GRANDMOTHER

DEAR MIDWEST GRANDMOTHER: You're right that the daughter should have been paying her mother from the beginning. However, I have been advised that when baby-sitting is treated as a job -- and money changes hands -- there are tax liabilities.

Both the daughter and her mother should make sure they follow the tax laws to the letter, so Uncle Sam won't come knocking on their doors with his hand out. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The daughter who leaves her child with Grandma and expects it to be "free" should wake up. Ten dollars a week is an unheard-of bargain for child care.

I work for my daughter at her day care. I am paid minimum wage. The parents pay nearly $100 a week per child. Their kids get breakfast, lunch and two snacks a day. In addition, they learn manners, geography, the alphabet, music, art, gardening, animal care, cooking and more. These little kids are reading and counting to 100 before kindergarten, and they love it. We also give the children "hugs" and "loves."

A safe environment while the parents work is so important these days. That daughter should be ashamed, and Grandma needs to toughen up and join the 21st century. Haven't they heard? There are no free lunches these days! Thank you for letting me vent. -- GRANDMA T., TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR GRANDMA T.: The children in your daughter's day-care center are lucky. They are learning to interact with peers at an early age. They are receiving affection and individual attention, and being intellectually challenged and stimulated. I'm sure they're more than ready for kindergarten by the time they get there. Not every child is so fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to a woman for 15 years, and then she left me for another man. We have been divorced for more than a year now.

I have always been close to her sister, and we would like to start dating. The problem is, even though she really wants to, she's afraid it's wrong because I was married to her sister.

Abby, we would appreciate your advice on this matter, and will wait for your opinion before making a final decision. -- CONFUSED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CONFUSED: Since you are a free man, and you two have always been close, I see no reason why you shouldn't date and enjoy some happiness together.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: On Sept. 12, 2000, our beautiful, blue-eyed 11-year-old daughter died from injuries she sustained in a car accident. With her seat belt fastened, she had the front passenger seat reclined to nap on the way home from school. Upon impact, she was thrown up to the seat belt and back down to the reclined seat. She suffered severe brain trauma.

Reclining the front seat is something people take for granted, and something we never realized was dangerous. We heard a doctor comment that severe injuries from being reclined are becoming more common. Commercials show how safe a car is while crash-test dummies are sitting upright with their seat belts fastened. Try to picture what that "dummy" would do if it was lying on its back without the support of a back seat. Without the back support, a sleeping person would be like a rag doll and would slide from under the lap belt, hitting the side of the car or the driver's seat. The only way airbags and seat belts can save you is if you're sitting with the seat upright and belts secured.

Since this tragedy, our families and friends have stopped this seemingly innocent but dangerous activity. Please get this message out to your readers; it may save a life. Thank you. -- JAMIE'S FAMILY, FLORISSANT, MO.

DEAR JAMIE'S FAMILY: What a horror story. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your little girl.

I'm reminding readers of every age that the safest position for riding as a passenger in a moving vehicle is sitting upright, facing forward, with both feet on the floor and arms and hands inside. In the proper position, there is far less risk of neck injuries, scrapes, broken bones, crushed pelvises and brain injuries in a collision. Accidents can happen to anyone -- that's why they are called "accidents."

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Nancy's" comments on table manners. She said, "Remove your hat before sitting down at the table, including baseball caps." Sometimes a baseball cap might be more pleasant for others to look at than the scars it is hiding.

Six months ago, my son and three other crew members were in a C-130, fighting fires in France, when the plane crashed. Two were killed. My son and another young man survived when they were blown out of the plane on impact. They were in intensive care for quite some time.

In spite of very bad scars, they both looked wonderful to us. However, when my son was well enough for us to take him out to dinner, he wore a baseball cap to hide his worst scars, which were on his head.

You can believe I was proud to be sitting at the table with him -- cap included! I'm hopeful that after some plastic surgery, the cap will no longer be necessary. -- A HAPPY MOM IN TENNESSEE

DEAR HAPPY MOM: I am so glad to learn your son survived such a terrible accident and is on the road to recovery.

In most circumstances, men wear baseball caps because they think it's "cool" or they are having a bad hair day or have no hair at all. It would benefit all of us to refrain from judging those who wear caps indoors -- there may be, as in your son's case, a legitimate reason.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, my cousin "Jacob" married a wonderful woman I'll call Kate. Only days after their wedding, she was diagnosed with advanced, inoperable cancer. Though we thought she might be with us for one last Christmas, she passed away just after Thanksgiving.

The day after the funeral, Jacob began receiving phone calls from Kate's family, demanding the return of the wedding gifts they had given this couple only seven weeks before. One of them even had the audacity to tell Jacob that she didn't want to "waste her money" on him since Kate was dead!

I would understand if Jacob had divorced his wife, or if the marriage had been annulled, but this poor man lost his bride to cancer -- he certainly didn't push her away. Abby, Jacob is heartbroken. He certainly cannot deal with returning wedding gifts so her relatives can get their money back.

Kate's family is large, and Jacob has gotten at least two phone calls every day for a week -- sometimes more. Personally, I think what they're proposing is indecent. What is the appropriate response to Kate's family? -- AGHAST IN ARIZONA

DEAR AGHAST: Just when I think I've heard everything, along comes a letter like yours. Jacob kept his marriage vows -- to love, honor and cherish Kate until death parted them. He is entitled to keep the wedding gifts and to far more consideration than he's receiving from his late wife's family. As for the "appropriate response" to Kate's family, I wouldn't blame Jacob if he changed his phone number to one that's unlisted.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the letter from "Desperate for a Compliment." That letter spoke to my husband's heart. That night he started calling me "pretty." I later saw the letter in your column.

We have a successful marriage, but we get comfortable and lazy. I don't need a lot of compliments, but would rather receive them from my husband. So, thank you again for waking him up. You're the best teacher. -- SMILING WIFE IN CINCINNATI

DEAR SMILING WIFE: I'm pleased the letter had such a positive effect. Now it's your turn. Tonight, leave a little note on his pillow telling him how much he means to you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have just finished the letter from "Desperate for a Compliment." I have been married 13 years to my high school sweetheart. I felt the same way "Desperate" did until a friend asked me if I ever told my husband how handsome he is.

That got me to thinking. I assumed that because he is so good-looking, he didn't need a compliment. I was wrong. I began giving him sincere compliments, letting him know I noticed how good he looked and praising him for other nice things he did daily.

He has given me more compliments in the last few months than I would have received in a year's time, and they are sincere and sweet. He has even gone back to calling me "pet names."

Please let "Desperate" know that a little kindness will get her much more than a lot of nagging will. -- NEVER TOO LATE

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)