DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to the letter from "Disappointed Daughter," who complained that her parents found their grandchildren "bothersome."

It's sad when grandparents are more concerned about peace and quiet than in creating happy memories for their grandchildren to treasure all their lives.

My parents never enjoyed any of their grandchildren. They were interested only in making them toe the line. They provided one disposable cup a day per child -- "If you throw yours away, you go thirsty." If they failed to completely shut the sliding glass door, it was "Shut that damn door!" God forbid they giggled and acted like children, because that meant they were "hyper-brats."

Fortunately, my children were blessed with another set of grandparents. Although they are gone now, we have many warm memories of them to share.

My mother is still alive and now complains she doesn't know her grandchildren. She insinuates they are the ones responsible.

Being a grandmother is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced. Recently, when playing "I Spy" with one of my granddaughters, I told her I spied something very precious to me. Her face lighted up immediately. She exclaimed "Me!" and she was right. -- GRANDMA SHARON, FORKS, WASH.

DEAR GRANDMA SHARON: What a heartwarming story. However, not all grandparents share your view. Read on for the reason why:

DEAR ABBY: I am 64, widowed and live alone. My daughter, son-in-law and three beautiful grandchildren left last week after a short visit. Somehow, I survived.

Within five minutes of their arrival, chaos reigned. The children, ages 2 to 6, were everywhere. Beds were torn apart, toys strewn all over the house. Snacks were ground into my new living room carpet, meals were a nightmare. Two out of three wouldn't eat what was served, but they still got dessert. Soap and wet towels were left in the tub, on the bathroom floor or on a bed. Dirty diapers were left on the sink. You get the picture.

My dear children were not raised without proper training. If only they would pass it on! -- BITING MY TONGUE IN HOT SPRINGS

DEAR BITING: Your point is well taken. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am the grandmother of three young boys and a girl. I was a single mother, worked hard, and spent many hours after my children went to bed, cleaning and ironing.

After 40 years, I feel I've earned a retirement I can enjoy. I'm sure "Disappointed's" parents feel the same way.

Some questions she should consider:

(1) How often do your children interrupt when adults are speaking?

(2) How much of the conversation revolves around the children?

(3) Do you set aside time for a one-on-one conversation with your mother? There are things some older women will not discuss in front of children.

(4) Do you allow your children to "run loose" in the house?

(5) Do your children have any "quiet" toys? The noise some toys make can be nerve-racking to older people.

(6) Finally, when you telephone your mother, how often are you distracted from the conversation to answer or yell at your kids?

Our children know only what we teach them. -- VIRGINIA GRANNY

DEAR GRANNY: If parents of small children will give your letter the consideration it deserves, perhaps it would help to bridge the generation gap.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter we adopted from another country. When we go out, we hear a variety of comments from strangers. Some of them -- while well-meaning -- are potentially hurtful to our little girl.

I am writing in the hope that sharing our point of view will help others to be more sensitive to adoptive families:

-- Please DON'T ask if I have children of my own. My daughter IS my own. If you must ask about other siblings, a better term is "biological children."

-- Please DON'T ask about my daughter's birth family and why they are not raising her. These are issues I wish to discuss with her privately, in my own time.

-- Please DON'T make disparaging remarks about my daughter's country of origin, regardless of how you feel about their customs or government policies. My daughter needs to hear positive things about her culture of origin. Many of the negative comments I have received have been untrue or one-sided.

-- Please DON'T ask how much my daughter "cost." While adoption fees are expensive, so are hospital bills for labor and delivery. The difference is, many people have either insurance or public assistance to help them pay hospital bills; adoptive families have little equivalent to help to pay adoption fees. I did not "buy" my child through adoption fees any more than a family who pays hospital bills for the birth of a biological child has bought theirs. If you are truly interested in adoption costs, your local adoption agency or an adoption Internet site can provide those answers.

-- Please DON'T tell me I got my daughter the "easy way." Adoption has its own unique challenges. Like any parent, adoptive parents consider their struggles worthwhile, given the end result. However, adoption, like childbirth, can be both wonderful and difficult.

-- Please DON'T ask me about my fertility status. I would rather not discuss it with a stranger.

And to the many kind, discreet and polite people I have met -- thank you for your positive comments and encouraging words. They warmed my heart. -- BLESSED THROUGH ADOPTION IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR BLESSED: Thank you for telling it like it is. Sometimes people engage their mouths before engaging their brains. Unfortunately, there is no end to the thoughtless, insensitive questions some people ask -- which brings to mind a letter that appeared in my column many years ago. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Our son is a dark-skinned child whom we adopted when he was an infant. My husband and I are both fair-skinned.

When our son was about 4, we attended a pool party at our townhouse complex. I got into a conversation with a woman who was very curious about him -- asking how old he was when we got him and where he was from. She looked confused when I answered "Milwaukee" -- as I'm sure she expected a more exotic location such as Africa or the Australian outback.

I almost lost my cool, however, when she asked me in all seriousness, "Are you going to tell him he is adopted?" -- MIDWEST MOM

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DEAR ABBY: The letter from "A Grandma or a Doormat?", whose daughter expects Grandma to baby-sit for free and not be reimbursed for the cost of snacks, prompts my own.

Forty years ago, I paid my mother $23 per week to watch my two young children nine hours a day, five days a week. She even washed their diapers for me. I knew I was getting a bargain and was glad to pay.

Today, I watch my two grandchildren five days a week for $20 a day. I do the ironing and pick them up at school. My children let me know that they appreciate my efforts.

Good day care is hard to find at any price. The daughter who was reluctant to help pay for snacks is wrong to resist. The $10 a week Gramma asked is too little. She has to be home every day and cannot make other plans. It is a job. Finding a baby sitter who will provide the type of child care that a grandmother gives is nearly impossible.

Shame on that daughter. She should have been paying since the beginning. -- MIDWEST GRANDMOTHER

DEAR MIDWEST GRANDMOTHER: You're right that the daughter should have been paying her mother from the beginning. However, I have been advised that when baby-sitting is treated as a job -- and money changes hands -- there are tax liabilities.

Both the daughter and her mother should make sure they follow the tax laws to the letter, so Uncle Sam won't come knocking on their doors with his hand out. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The daughter who leaves her child with Grandma and expects it to be "free" should wake up. Ten dollars a week is an unheard-of bargain for child care.

I work for my daughter at her day care. I am paid minimum wage. The parents pay nearly $100 a week per child. Their kids get breakfast, lunch and two snacks a day. In addition, they learn manners, geography, the alphabet, music, art, gardening, animal care, cooking and more. These little kids are reading and counting to 100 before kindergarten, and they love it. We also give the children "hugs" and "loves."

A safe environment while the parents work is so important these days. That daughter should be ashamed, and Grandma needs to toughen up and join the 21st century. Haven't they heard? There are no free lunches these days! Thank you for letting me vent. -- GRANDMA T., TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR GRANDMA T.: The children in your daughter's day-care center are lucky. They are learning to interact with peers at an early age. They are receiving affection and individual attention, and being intellectually challenged and stimulated. I'm sure they're more than ready for kindergarten by the time they get there. Not every child is so fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to a woman for 15 years, and then she left me for another man. We have been divorced for more than a year now.

I have always been close to her sister, and we would like to start dating. The problem is, even though she really wants to, she's afraid it's wrong because I was married to her sister.

Abby, we would appreciate your advice on this matter, and will wait for your opinion before making a final decision. -- CONFUSED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CONFUSED: Since you are a free man, and you two have always been close, I see no reason why you shouldn't date and enjoy some happiness together.

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