DEAR ABBY: "A Dad in a Dilemma" wrote that his ex-wife informed him she's moving in with a registered sex offender, and he's concerned about sending his girls to stay overnight with her. Your advice to not let his daughters stay at their mother's house was correct.

I am a police detective in a sex crimes unit. Probably 90 percent of our sexual assault victims are children. Sex offenders, especially those who victimize children, have a very high rate of recidivism. Additionally, many child sex offenders are prohibited from having ANY contact with children under the age of 10 and can be arrested if they do so.

"Dad" can contact his local law enforcement agency or the man's probation officer to determine whether the man is allowed to have contact with minor children. Even if there is a custody arrangement which states that his ex-wife gets to see their daughters, he should contact the attorney and do everything possible to keep the girls from having any contact with this man. He should not rely on his ex to provide the proper supervision, as she has already shown a severe lack of judgment in exposing her other child to this risk. -- POLICE OFFICER IN COLORADO

DEAR POLICE OFFICER: Thanks for adding your expert opinion to my original advice. "Dad in a Dilemma's" letter generated a flood of mail from alarmed readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I work with an attorney who handles the legalities when children are removed and detained by child protective services. We have a number of cases where children were removed from one parent because of socialization with sex offenders.

"Dad" should research this person's criminal background. If he can't get the full history, he needs to get the local law enforcement or child protective services agency involved. -- A WORD TO THE WISE, CRESCENT CITY, CALIF.

DEAR WISE: A helpful suggestion. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You were right telling "Dad" not to let his daughters visit his ex-wife. No sex offender should have such easy access. Even though the mother might be present in the house, sex offenders need only a moment to satisfy their twisted urges.

"Dad" would be wise to notify the court that issued the custody award for the daughters of the changed circumstances and to seek an immediate modification of the visitation. (This is in case the ex-wife wants to exercise her visitation rights despite the obvious risks.) A modification of the decree would prevent such a problem.

If "Dad" can't afford a lawyer to get the change made, most state bar associations have a list of attorneys who will work "pro bono" (for free), and many attorneys, once aware of the circumstances, will help because they are parents also. -- AN ATTORNEY WHO CARES

DEAR ATTORNEY: I am sure your advice about "pro bono" legal services will be of interest to many people. Thank you for it. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I know what can be lost if "Dad's" daughters end up in the clutches of this registered sex offender who was convicted of aggravated assault on a 10-year-old.

The fact is, the ex-wife's new boyfriend is a danger to "Dad's" girls. He should insist that his ex sign a legally binding document that visitations NEVER occur in the company of her boyfriend. Period. If she refuses, he should take it to court. "Dad's" daughters must be protected from their mother's bad choices. -- STILL SURVIVING IN L.A.

DEAR SURVIVING: How true.

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DEAR ABBY: Although I read your column daily, I have never had a reason to write until now. I read the obituaries and have noticed that lately there are female pallbearers listed. Is this proper, or should it be a man's role? I always thought that men were supposed to do it. I'm sure other people wonder about this, too. -- VICKI IN JOPLIN, MO.

DEAR VICKI: In the days when coffins were actually carried, it required strong men to lift them. However, today the coffin is placed on a church "truck," and it's perfectly acceptable for women to be pallbearers.

In early America, it was the women who cared for the dead. It was they who bathed and shrouded the body for burial. In a sense, women are now taking their rightful place again by acting as pallbearers. It is much better when family members of both sexes physically participate in funerals. Doing so can be therapeutic. Twenty years ago morticians were mostly men. Today, 40 percent of graduating morticians are women, according to the Funeral Consumers Alliance. Instead of being ghoulish, the business is becoming "girlish."

DEAR ABBY: My husband of almost 25 years presented me with a beautiful diamond heart necklace for Valentine's Day. Now I am trying to decide if I should keep it.

Several years ago, he had a "female friend." One of the things that hurt most was finding out that he had bought her expensive jewelry. Among the items was a diamond heart pendant.

When I opened the gift, all I could think about was her. Should I explain to him that, although the necklace is very beautiful, it brings back painful memories? Are men really this dense? -- CRYING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CRYING: Apparently your man is. Dry your tears and tell him, as tactfully as possible, that while you are grateful for the gift, his selection has painful associations for you. The two of you should return it and select something more appropriate.

DEAR ABBY: I am a professional woman marrying another professional woman. We have lived together for two years and are able to communicate very well. We are growing and changing beautifully as partners.

Because it is not legal in the state where we live, we will be going to Vermont for a private ceremony. My question: How do we approach the wedding reception with those family members who are not "comfortable" with it? We don't want anyone to feel slighted, but at the same time, we don't want to deprive those members of the family who offer support and take joy in our union. Do we invite everyone and just see who shows up? -- NEEDS TO KNOW

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: Send invitations to everyone you would like to have at your reception, including those who are not comfortable with your union. If they don't wish to attend, they will decline. You already know some of them will not welcome this marriage, but extending the invitation will show them that you want to encourage close family relationships. And you may be surprised that some of them may put aside their misgivings in the interests of family unity.

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DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "On the Spot in Florida," whose girlfriend announced her requirements for an engagement ring. You said it showed she was more interested in what she could get than in the man.

That may be so; however, I have two daughters, and I told them early on that when they received a marriage proposal to inform their suitor their mother would not give her approval unless they received at least a 1-carat diamond engagement ring.

My reason was not to teach my girls to focus on the ring, but on the willingness of the suitor to sacrifice in order to buy the ring, his willingness to strive toward a goal for the one he loves. Let's face it, if the man couldn't come up with a way to provide such a ring prior to marriage, how could he be counted on to provide the necessities once they have children? -- MOTHER IN HAMPTON, GA.

DEAR MOTHER: Your take on this was in the distinct minority. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "On the Spot" should run, run, RUN and never look back. He's the current joke with his "girlfriend" and her friends. She wants to see how many hoops she can make him jump through in the "relationship game." I know. It's a game my girlfriends and I all played. The common strategy: Make demands early in the relationship when a guy's emotions are running high, and you're likely to get whatever you ask for.

OK, "On the Spot": You have now been tipped off by a pro. I hope you'll see you're being played before you make a financial investment. The emotional investment you have already made will hurt you and affect your future relationships.

I no longer play the "game," and I wish I never had. -- GUILTY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR GUILTY: If confession is good for the soul, I hope yours will also help that naive young man see the truth about his "Sweetie." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That piece of 32-year-old "eye candy" won't be that way in another 15 years, but she'll still be a gold digger. She's not in love with him; she's in love with being beautiful and what it can bring her. Let someone else be the high bidder, then she'll be his problem, not yours. There are plenty of women out there who would appreciate a fine man, regardless of the size and shape of the diamond. Run, fella, run -- and count your blessings that you found out early about her. -- STEVE IN TUCSON, ARIZ.

DEAR STEVE: Spoken like a man who had a narrow escape of his own. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Tell "On the Spot" to watch out for the words "prove your love." When a man says that, it usually means he requires sex from a woman before he'll propose. Then he will disappear into the night, and she's left sans proposal.

With a woman, it can mean something different. I'll lay dollars to doughnuts that "lady-love" will accept the proposal and the ring, and then five days later break the engagement and refuse to return the ring. The alternative is even worse -- he could marry her.

Please tell him there are easier ways to get from being "On the Spot" to "Sadder but Wiser." He should drop her immediately. She's poison. -- A WOMAN WHO'S SEEN TOO MUCH, PINE BUSH, N.Y.

DEAR SEEN TOO MUCH: Thanks for adding to the chorus. If "On the Spot" isn't warned by now, there's no hope for him. Thanks to all of you readers who took time to write such heartfelt letters.

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